The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is a thunder storm outside. I can't control it. I guess the meteorologists can monitor it. But they can't control it either. No one can control the weather. Tonight, I am happy with the weather, with the outcome. It's beautiful to listen too and there is an amazing atmosphere in the air. I wouldn't want to control it. I may have chosen different weather and not be experiencing this bliss. However, if its was stinking hot or freezing cold - I'd be complaining and frustrated and there in would lie my suffering. The gap between what I want - 'the shoulds and expectations' and the actual 'is'.
This is no different to the people, places and things in my life. It really isn't. But I haven't realised how much I have been expecting of people of late, and how rigidly I've been holding onto these expectations. And what has it achieved? Hurt, frustration and resentment on my part. And low self-esteem, shame and put-downs for those whom I have placed these 'shoulds' on.
Its been right down to what they should say, do and simply be!
Expecting them to react and deal with a situation in a certain way. Then when they don't getting hurt, disappointed and angry as though it were my right! This is not a way to live and this is not fair on those people in my life.
I also know all too well what its like to have expectations placed on me. To be controlled. To not live up to other's standards. It's sheer hell to have that placed on you. My childhood was driven by these standards and I was forever not feeling 'good enough'.
No - its time to let go. To practice acceptance. To see what happens if I do just 'let' people live freely. Who knows I might be hurt and I also might be nicely surprised. This week I am really going to work on flexibility, letting other's live their lives and accepting the outcomes. Very scary - but its got to be worth a try and its got to be better then this constant tension between what I want and what I don't get. The struggle.
I gotta ask do you feeling it your throat or your stomach when you let go of control? We were talking about that at our meeting last night. Where the feeling of letting go of control hits first and how it feels when we try and pick that up again. It was an after meeting thing however what a great conversation. It totally comes in like fear for me.
Great share!! Thank you!! :) Keep working your program you are worth it and it really does get better and easier. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can SOOOOOO relate to what you're saying! I still struggle with contol and letting go, especially in my job. I work in retail, and a lot of my job is just simply cleaning up after other people. I go through the store picking up trash, empty coffee cups and items that people have broken, and I get so angry at how irresponsible people are because they can't be bothered to pick up after themselves, or to own up to the fact that they broke something! I also get upset with some of the other employees who don't work as hard as they should (at least in my mind). I find myself thinking that I've got to get out of retail because I'm totally losing faith in human beings!
I have to consciously remind myself not to judge other people, to take a deep breath and take a step back from the situation and quit expecting other people to behave like I think they should. I remind myself not to "should" all over everybody. Like you, I remember what it was like growing up with exacting parents who could never be satisfied; to this day, I never feel good enough or smart enough or anything enough, and I remind myself that I don't want to make other people feel that way. But it's a constant battle, and sometimes I just get discouraged that I'm still fighting it after all these years!
Best of luck in your battle,
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Hey there - I hadn't even thought to think of where i feel it! I think its generally a sick feeling in my stomach! he he! But I am going to pay attention to this over the next few days and let you know
