"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

GreenK · Veteran Member

Alcoholic husband who is verbally mean

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

I can really relate to this. I have often felt that when I was in a good place, AH would do his best to tear me down. On many levels, he cant handle me being happy simply because I am happy....but not due to him making me happy. He also hates me being successful, and has been often (not always) been critical of my work habits throughout the years.....even though I make more than he does and he knows I am highly respected.

I like the reading about "If only ____ would happen, then I would be happy." When I realized that it was all up to me, then the lightbulb switched on. His diatribes about how flaw-filled I am, and how clueless he thinks I am tend to roll right off me now.

Remember, he's hurting. Seeing you grow probably hurts him in a way he can't articulate to himself. So instead of being happy that you are happy and growing, he wants to use any means possible to tear you down so he can keep you under his thumb. Right where he wants you, under his thumb, so he can make you as miserable as he feels.

GreenK · Veteran Member

Wow! Thank you so much. I earn more than my AH does as well and have built a successful business. He has been critical all the way through it. I'm so glad that I'm letting it roll off my back as well instead of fighting back. I really thought all those years that I had to defend myself. Boy, was I wrong! What a waste of time.

Now I really pay attention to when I'm hungry, angry, lonely and tired (HALT) because that's when I'm most likely to fall back into the old pattern.

I just survived a long family reunion (his) with my sprit/humor/energy intact so that's something, right?

It helps to know there are others who are in this too. Good luck in your healing process!

GreenK

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

GreenK,

Unkind words hurt. Sometimes when alcoholic's see us getting healthy as Hot Chicka said they want to keep us down or under their thumb. You seem to be doing a great job of detaching and not reacting. It's obvious you are working your program.

We all deserve respect and when the disease is talking it's hard to separate the person from the disease, it's hard to not take it personally because it cuts deep and we are only human. Your in a better place than you were 7 months ago. My ES&H is to talk it out with your sponsor, keep working your program, and in every case take care of yourself first, what ever that entails.

Keep coming back.

HUGS,
RLC

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome GreenK :)

I hope you keep coming back!! Thank you for your share :)

P :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics treat us the way they feel about themselves - its not personal but it sure feels like it , what helped me was to visualize a bottle of what ever he drank in the middle of his forhead and I knew it was booze talk . some I know have pictured a big S on thier forhead for (sick ). when I had the courage I finally told my husb if he didnt stop talking to me that way I was going to leave the room * that was easy for me as violence had never been a prob in our home * if he didnt stop it was up to me to act and walk away . If you have an ODAT go to page on July `14th that page and the detachment pamphlet changed my life , I read it every day til I was actually doing what it said.. the line that really caught my attention was Don't assage his guilt by arguing with him . keep taking care of you . Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics are in the grip of a disease but I don't think that means we need to accept any kind of abuse as okay. We can't make them stop but we can leave the room or take other action not to be in the line of fire. If there are children it's even more important that we don't give the impression that verbal abuse is normal or acceptable, even if we have private compassion for the abuser. That's my take on it.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Greenk, I notice that you use the words "abuse" and also say that this is being "corrosive" to you. You are RIGHT that the verbal abuse is something that he is soing to you! You sound very critical of yourself that you can't let it "roll off" more easily.

VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS ABUSE. ABUSE IS DESTRUCTIVE TO THOSE EXPERIENCING IT AND EVEN TO THOSE WHO SIMPLY WATCH IT (CHILDREN).

Many people interpret abuse as being only physical. Emotional/verbal abuse is very insidious and just as harmful. It erodes the spirit and can do just as much damage. Like alcoholism, it tends to be progressive. Many times physical abuse begins with verbal abuse that accelerates over time.

Please consider this carefully. You don't have to accept it. Protecting yourself, I feel, should be your first concern.

You can find contact numbers in the front of your phone book for support and counseling as to handle yourself in abuseive situations. You can remain anonomous and your A does not have to know.

I am saying this in support of you. I believe that everyone who is being treated "less than" needs to hear these words.

Greenk, continue your journey and take care of yourself first. No one else is going to put you first.

In support,

Sincerely, Otie

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome GreenK - I think your post hit the proverbial nail on the head - you are changing, and he hates that!

The verbal abuse "game" that you guys used to play, back and forth, was likely one that allows him to justify/rationalize "why" he drinks (in his own head), and helps keep him in his addiction.... When you won't engage in that anymore - at least partially from the growth you have already shown in your program of recovery, it tends to scare the heck out of active A's, because their mixed up world is changing, and that worries them.... I have been told by many alcoholics that "sobriety scares them more than having another drink". I say - good for you in breaking the chain, and it's all part of the growth process....

As for the disease part - when I saw my 35 year old wife passed out at 9:30am in the morning, having already consumed an entire bottle of vodka, with our two small children playing innocently beside their passed out Mom - I had no problem recognizing this thing as a disease - nobody would wish this life upon themselves, nor would they "choose" to be this way... The element of alcoholism that IS confusing for us, with respect to being a disease, is that the cure has an element of choice with it...

Keep coming back

Tom

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Green

First of all kudos to you on working your own program so diligently !
when it comes to abuse ( and abuse comes in many forms ) I do not nor will I ever say "well thats just part of the diease". It isn't.... alcohol many lower thier enhibitions and they may give in to a character flaw that was sitting below the surface for a long time. And verbal abuse can turn physical quickly. It is also affecting your children hearing thier daddy say mean things to thier mom. It's scary ( speaking out of experience here ) and then the children end up walking on eggshells (if they already aren't) so that the abusive attention isn't put on them.
I do agree his escalation of unacceptable behavior is because of the changes you have made for yourself. A's aren't crazy about change especially if it affects thier drinking. So they do try to throw you off balance, suck you back into where you used to be. Because above all things they are fearful believe it or not.
A's are typically very insecure, have very low self worth or self esteem and I've yet to meet one that wasn't depressed. SO as your husband watches you change he becomes afraid of losing what he has.
I grew up surrounded by this disease and was the family caretaker. I never looked at it as a disease, always thought it was a choice. Never had any compassion what so ever. My husband and I were so sure we would be the ones to break the cycle of addiction in both our families. Thought we had done all the right things with our children. But our son sunk into his own addiction. And I still didn't or couldn't find the compassion or see it as a disease. I was of the mind thought that this was something he was "doing to us". Truth was his addiction has not one thing to do with us, we didn't even factor into the equation. He was doing this to "him". And after I let my anger go for just a minute I could see for myself one sick young man who if given the choice would have Never chose this for himself. It has cost him his friends. some family, jobs and sometimes his freedom. Once I stopped taking it personally and could see his pain I definitly knew this was a disease and despite our best efforts he definitly drew the genetic short straw. And while my husband an I did our best in raising our kids we never saw our own dysfuction from growing up with this disease so that we did pass on to our children. Thankfully you are in your recovery while your children are young, one healthy parent is better than none.
Keep workin it!
Blessings

GreenK · Veteran Member

Thanks so much for the thoughtful, rich responses. I'm printing these out so I can read them later tonite! I appreciate the insights of those who have walked in my shoes. It lets me know I'm on the right path.

It occurred to me that as long as I'm engaging with him I'm in denial and that continued work around acceptance will be the key. As long as I'm giving it back (verbal retorts/snide comments) I'm choosing to be in relationship with him on his terms.

I love that the program emphasizes progress not perfection and being in the moment. In my head, before Alanon, I thought I would arrive at this new place with newer, better habits. Then I would slip up and fall back into the pit and the darkness and despair would close in.

I truly feel like this program must have been channeled from "on high" because the design of it is so amazing. It's so thorough and perfect for our over-wrought, analytical, emotionally complex alanoner brains! I keep finding the most wonderful places to lay my pain down. Who would've thunk? :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If you called an abuse hotline or went to a support group, you would learn that abuse is not becuz they are A. People abuse because they are abusers.

There is no detaching or boundary that will stop it. It's plain rude and hurtful and damaging.

From the time we are small we here, "if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all."

I was fortunate my A never was against me at all. Was the house mostly. dumb. He never even said he would burn the barn down as he KNEW that would be over the line.

It's more what makes a person continue to accept that kind of behavior, especially in front of their kids??? I wouldn't even take my kids to parties when I was young. No way. I didn't want them seeing all that crap.No way was anyone going to talk like that in front of my babies!

They are the same with their boys.

What makes you allow it?

I am totally impressed how far you have gotten! GREAT work!. Now you are ready for another step.

Possibly get him alone in a lucid moment and express how you won't allow him to abuse you or the kids anymore. Then you think up a consequence you can live with if he does. When it comes to kids I am a pitbull. I would not allow the A around them.

Of course it hurts! Being an A is no excuse! He is the one who made vows to treat you in a special way. He is suppose to be one with you. We get so lost in it we start feeling it as familiar. When we step away its like wait a minute,this is NOT normal and I do not want nor will I take this anymore.

I am telling you right now. If I ever even go out with someone and ONE flag flies, I am done. ONE lie I am done. If we got married and he was abusive like that, bye. I mean it. I value myself and my HP too much to put up with it.

Keep going to meetings and sooner or later you will KNOW what is right. I also invite you to call a group for abused spouses. Sure opened my eyes.

Hugs hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"