The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I removed my iud today and went to see my naturopath as well. I am looking after my health first of all. She didn't feel the iud was good for me. She says that relationship and control stress are held in the pelvis and that is why I have been having so much pelvic problems. I believe her as she was right about the sinus, throat and head issues I was having. Those are over.
What to do about the relationship issues living with an A. He hasn't gotten around to the vasectomy he said he would get six months ago. I won't risk pregnancy and the only way to ensure I am not pregnant is to not have sex. No sex life until he follows through. He says he is scared of it and so he puts it off. I have been responsible for birth control for ten years and went through the pain of having our child. It amazes me what a whimp he is being about this. He found a new way of doing it where it is minimal, and is still scared.
My sister wants to use my bank account to cash her cheque. I told my A and her a month ago that I would cash the cheques they had in their hands and no more after that. Turns out the cheque from my A's boss bounced and he had to get a new one to put into the bank. HP providing me further reasoning not to cash them. Now my sister has another cheque she wants to cash. She won't go along with the seven day hold on her cheque and is slamming doors because I won't do it for her. She tried money mart and they won't do it, and the cash store will take half her small cheque. So she is asking me again, and again I say no.
Setting the boundary is the easy part. Dealing with the tantrums and pressure is the hard part. So here I sit with no sex life, and I guess that isn't a real big deal anyways. The projection of anger and control tactics is the crappy part.
I am at the point where I want to get rid of them both. Here I sit working a program so hard, concentrating on myself so that I can have dysfunctional relationships with those that concentrate on me, disrespect me and themselves, and treat me poorly when I won't do what they want. If they aren't around I can still work a program, just without the constant outside chaos they present.
Anyone go through being fed up and still hang on? I'm sure there is. Why did you hang on and looking back what might you have done differently, or not?
Hugs and you are right boundaries are hard!! Especially when others test them. I was going to suggest walmart will cash a check for 3$, as long as it's a payroll check. I don't know if that's the case for both your A and your sis. So not your issue though, especially being you have been burned.
My A just got done with a court date not his last as he thought, I would say the only thing I wished I had done differently is being able to have him get a ride to and from work sooner. He was bound and determined not to find a ride and I allowed him to live in his excuses. He is now understanding I really do not see this as my issue. On some level he thought i did and now the message has been received I really do not. I will be supportive, I absolutely do not see enabling him as a good thing for either of us. I'm also very glad I stuck to my gun on him not driving. I needed time and I deserved time to get myself together. Part of him not finding a ride absolutely had to do with if I wasn't going to "let" him drive then I was going to pay a penance for not "letting" him drive. I have nothing to do with the fact he can't drive and it's everything to do with state laws and how he chose to handle himself. I put my foot down about the money stuff with the driving and now I'm sooo glad I did because we would be nearing the 10k mark on his DUI that's now a reckless driving charge and it still would have been close to 10k. Even he has admitted that would have not been a good way to spend that kind of money.
I'm getting so much better about minding my own business. I slipped and if I could do anything differently that would be it .. lol .. less slipping on my part. Less enabling and putting myself deeper into the program sooner. My life got a lot less complicated when I started focusing on me. I also got healthier and my kids are reaping the reward of a happy mom.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've definitely been in relationships that were extremely hard work most of my life. That was and still is my family of origin. That was where I learned to deal with this.
I've also been around my share of tantrums.
Detaching took me a long long time.
Unenmeshing took a long long time. I didn't get to it overnight. I had to really become aware I was on the lose lose end of the equation. I still people pleased and then some.
Eventually I learned to take it slow. My automatic response is to say "yes" to "give" until I drop.
Lately I have stopped "doing" and started "being" me. I am no longer as tied up in pleasing, other people's opinions of me and what can I do for others. None of this comes overnight. I still slip. My automatic response is to do more for others than me.
You are so right - boundaries can be so hard! I am learning this myself and posted something on this topic a week or so ago. I keep practicing, but I know I'm just starting to get it. You are actually doing well if you can say that setting the boundaries is the easy part. That is huge! You have to recognize your own needs and figure out a healthy boundary for yourself and then communicate it. I still can't quite get that far most of the time! AAah! I think you're doing well setting boundaries for yourself. Only you can know what's right for you and what you need. With some time and practice, I think you will feel better keeping those boundaries once they're set. Take care of yourself!!
All my adult relationships have been with addicted partners. This time however, I thought I was home free. I thought there were no addictions to deal with. I was so happy. We've been together 20 years. Over time they all came out, first food, then lying, then alcohol. I've been in shock. I'm older now. I left all the other people but don't think I can physically and emotionally start over again. What do I wish I'd done differently? Waited 2-3 years before getting serious. I would have seen the problems. Now I'm hoping to heal myself and be happy in an unhappy and dysfuntional relationship. It's quite a task & doesn't feel possible. Lyne
It is getting a little easier. My sister quit with the silent treatment and door slamming today. She started talking to me again. She needed to go to the doctor and didn't have the money. She asked if I would lend it to her and she would take the money out of the bank after she put her cheque in and the hold was removed. I don't mind lending it to her as she will give it back to me no problem at all. She did say she was upset I wouldn't let her use my account but understands. Finally acceptance.
Spending lots of time with my sponsor yesterday and today. It has really helped as I have had a very hard time looking at my A. I do mean even looking at him. I just feel so sickened and angered. Uggg. I am able to look at him tonight and interact with him.
