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Last night, my AH called at 3am and said he could was going to sleep over at a friend's house. He had been out drinking, then continued drinking there and no one was in the shape for driving. I offered to go and get him (I am working on not being so enabling), but he declined.
This morning, I get a text at 7:30am stating that he is sick (emotionally) and crying. He feels that he has hit rock bottom. He states (for the first time) that he is an alcoholic. He apologizes to me and says that he feels scared and embarrassed and is not sure what to do. I try my best to comfort him but in a detached but i'm still there for you sort of way. I explain that alcoholism is a disease and he does not need to be embarrassed.
The problem is, as happy as I am about his realization of the alcoholism, I am also scared out of my mind. I feel frozen. I am not really sure what to do. I do not want to push him, but I also do not want to be too detached. I am also scared that this is just going to be fleeting and he will be back to his old tricks in a few days.
He said that he posted on the AA version of this site, and I am hoping he will think about going to meetings, but again....I don't want to push it.
Any suggestions/advice on this delicate situation? Thanks!
It is so hard not to get hopes up, yet to be open to whatever the future holds. And since whether he really goes to AA, stays with AA, and becomes sober is entirely dependent on him, it's even more nervewracking, because we feel like the quality of our lives depends on something we have no control over. The truth is that we don't have any control over whether they go to AA or continue drinking or anything. The only thing we have control over is our own serenity. So this would be the time to go deeper into your own program: finding a good meeting (if you haven't), getting a sponsor, progressing through the steps... That takes the attention of them and onto the life that's ours to control, our own.
I don't know how many years I spent worrying and obsessing about someone else's behavior. None of that obsessing changed anything about his behavior! So frustrating! It's a challenge to turn our attention back onto ourselves, but so worth it. Hugs!
If he goes or not, it's all on him. It's ok to be supportive once something has been stated I find if I have to say it more than once I'm trying to control the situation. My A's sobriety is not up to me. I vote for sober believe me, bottom line I am not responsible for his sobriety.
What about you? What are you going to do for you to help you process what you are going through, the journey for both of you has just begun and that's a good thing. For me I am so grateful for the f2f meetings because without them I would be a quivering mess right now after Monday's court date. I am still standing and not quivering .. lol. I have to make sure I address my own needs and allow my A to address his. I am supportive while keeping my hands to myself, and doing my best to stay on my side of the street. I slipped today darn it, that's ok too because I knew I did and stopped as soon as I recognized the behavior as unhealthy for me.
Hugs, it gets better and it is so worth it and so are you!! Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I remember very well the day my wife, unexpectedly, announced to our 2 closest friends during a dinner out that she was an alcohol and she just wanted them to know. I almost fell out of my chair. We got home and she immediately picked up the phone and called her parents and asked both of them to get on the line and told them the same thing--she's an alcoholic, she's going to meetings, and she wants to get better. I thought to myself--hooray! It's over! Finally!
That was about 6-9 months ok, since then, she's slipped a number of times and it isn't "over" as I originally thought.
Just read what Mattie & Pushka wrote--it is everything you need to know. Is this his bottom? Who knows. I thought my wife hit hers just before her announcement to our friends and her parents. She hadn't. And probably still hasn't. But I'm trying to not focus on that and instead focus on me. That's all I can control...
Also I just want to note that detach does not mean "stop caring". You can care about your husband without being responsible for his choices. What you do next is take care of yourself, because you have been through a lot too. Be respectful of his recovery, but understand that both your and his recovery likely won't be a linear path. Best wishes,
Thanks everyone. Your words really help a lot. I hate this limbo feeling, but I understand it and have a sense of what I need to do. Tonight is my f2f meeting, and I am really looking forward to it. Last week was the first one I went to, and I can already see/feel a slight change in myself from the f2f meetings and this board. Maybe my AH can see it, too.
I am just going to keep working on myself (because I know I have a LONG way to go) and just be supportive of my AH along the way. I love him so very, very much, and I just hope that he can love himself that much, too.
I have had several conversations like you describe with my then practing husb. finally I simply said you dont have to live this way there is help ..and left the room. offer to go to his first meeting with him but find meetings for yourself if you havent already. you too need support Louise
By going to your own F2F meetings and working your program and such you are setting the best example through your actions. You are showing him how to be in recovery. That is the best way for someone to learn from you anyhow.
sometimes the next right thing to do is nothing Your husband poured his heart out to you, he knows where to go to get help. Actions speak louder than words Blessings
I know exactly where you're coming from. Looks like my ABF will have a chance to get out of jail next week. Scared, excited and confused all at the same time. Yes, he has said he WILL be sober... that he WANTS help.... I guess I have hopes but not expectations.... knowing that his actions when he gets out are going to show me everything.... As much as I'd love to force him to go through with his promises, there's not a darn thing I can do.... Not sure how to describe what's going on in my head. Biggest thing *I* am learning on here is that we CAN love at the same time we detach...
Glad you're going to another f2f meeting! Lots of strength and ((hugs)) being sent your way!!!
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
It's a challenge to turn our attention back onto ourselves, but so worth it. Hugs!