The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left the father of my child a year and a half ago. He wanted me back badly and I refused. I love him, but our dynamic was toxic. He now has a girlfriend. I see them around town all the time. All the sudden my grief for the loss of my family is so strong I can't breathe. I can't eat and can't stop crying. I'm sad beyond what I thought was imaginable. Full of regret and doubt. I've been working the al-anon program and was feeling stronger by the day, until I saw them together.
Thanks for reading. responses are more than welcome.
When I left my ex (1st husband), I didn't want him back, the idea he moved on hurt badly. I what if'd myself a LOT. What if he moved on and the person he moved on with was able to do for him what I couldn't. Somehow the idea he might get sober without me, left me feeling less than. (This was true of any relationship I had at the time.) I started to buy into the fact there was something defective about me. What was it about me that I couldn't get him better. Or why didn't they want me or love me the same way. What if he was better without me. The list of self doubt goes on, what I came to recognize is that whomever he moved on with, if he got sober or not had so little to do with me. It took me a long time to recognize this fact. That my feelings were about my own insecurities. Not really that I wanted all of the crazy stuff back in my life .. this time around with my current A I'm reading Co Dependent No More, M. Beattie and that really has made a huge impact on me. You are not alone. It really does get better. You are so worth it. :)
Hugs :) P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think that is a perfectly normal reaction. Grieving a relationship There is no right or wrong way to grieve, lean on the program as much as you need to. I think after a period of time you will remember why you left, the toxicity and what was in the best interest of your child. SO be gentle with yourself Blessings
I bet most of us have been through this. Seeing them with someone else really brings home the fact that the relationship is over. Beforehand it can seem as if you're merely on a break, or whatever.
It's always helped me to write out a list of the things that drove me nuts about the relationship. "He lied when he said he was out of town on my birthday." "He was texting that woman all along and he denied it." "The time he said, 'I don't care how you feel, you're unbalanced and I hate you.'" All the instances. Sometimes I have to look back in my journals because I tend to remember the wonderful parts (which were mostly in the beginning, and after that mostly in my fantasies, not in reality) and gloss over the awful parts. But they really were awful. Just because he's grabbed on to another woman he hopes will put up with his dysfunction doesn't change how badly things went.
Aloha Lovee...that doesn't mean you're any less loveable or worthy. He's doing what he needed to do...move on. Looking at it another way it is not only a consequence but a lesson. The lesson for me was move on...be careful doing it because I duplicate my mistakes without thinking but...move on. Difference? When I moved on the last time I grabbed my HP's hand and kept both feet in the program. Fill the hole that was left when you took him out of your daily life. You can do it. ((((hugs))))
Lovee, glad you are here, keep coming and sharing with us. :) The others have all said wise words and I am glad you are in alanon to help you get through this. HUGS!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I had sort of the same thing happen to me. I was so upset that my A was happy with someone else when I couldn't have him, and a healthy him. He left me like he always did, but I knew it was toxic and was glad I didn't have to make the decisions. Setting boundaires that he could not accept made the decision for me.
I didn't have the program at the time to lean on. I had to think of it in terms that he was a sick person and was not capable of a healthy relationship no matter who it was with. I believed that their split and his future pain was inevitable, and I just ended up feeling sad for him.
That was the first time he left. The second time I did have the program. I was sad and grieving, but grateful for the time to get myself together. I concentrated on my program and my relationship with my HP. My HP filled the void that was left by him.
Just want to show my moral support as well. I can imagine how you must feel. Only time can heal our wounds. With all the unconditional love you have on this forum, you will be walk through this pain with friends who care. Keep coming back!
Thanks for your post. That must be so painful for you! I'm sorry to hear that and I know I would feel the same if I saw my ex with someone new. I really liked the idea Mattie had about writing down some lists of reasons he wasn't good for you or reasons that relationship didn't work for you. I have done that on days when I knew I was going to see my ex. I wrote the list of 5-6 things on an index card and carried it in my pocket. Then I also wrote a list of the things I love about myself on another index card and put that in the other pocket.
When I looked at him and felt sad like I missed him, I would think of the first card listing all the hurtful things he did. When I looked at him and felt self-critical, I would think of the second card listing the things I love about myself, reminding myself that I deserve love.
I'm trying to keep practicing step 3 - I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God as I understand him.
Honestly, I used to always think it was BS when people would say - oh, everything happens for a reason. But now, I see that can be true. I don't regret my relationship even with all the pain. I needed it to happen. I know that I deserve love and that I have a lot of love to give. I have faith that the right love for me is ahead of me, is most likely someone else. I believe that the pain I went through was right and necessary. Who knows when I would have finally made it here if my life didn't become so painful and unmanageable. I might have just kept blindly stumbling along from one unhappy relationship to another wondering why I couldn't get my needs met and blaming myself... How terrible! Now I know there's another way and I have faith that this is right. I don't always like it, but I do accept it.
I also practice step 3 for him. I have let go and let God. I have faith that he has healing and love ahead of him and that he can choose that path for himself. I'm not responsible for his sobriety or happiness. I don't have to and shouldn't "save" him. I'm trying to let him go and pray that he does find that health and happiness, and I have faith that God will bring the right woman into his life if it's not me. I pray for compassion for him, and strength for myself to release him and not take it too personally if I see him one day with someone else.
It's okay for it to hurt. It's okay to feel sad and angry. It's okay to grieve. All of those things take time and come and go in waves. It's also okay to take care of yourself and your child and to move on. I think Step 3 has been the most helpful for me on this issue.
I hope this is helpful. As they say, take what you like and leave the rest. :)
Wishing you lots of love and happiness in the future ~ Doozy
Coming into work and reading these messages is so helpful. I realize that I'm not alone and don't know what the future will hold. I'm so grateful to have the tools of al-anon in my life now. I don't have to act crazy anymore. I can reach our for support and really do the work toward a serene life. Even though I am in a lot of pain, it was my decision to leave him and need to remind myself why that was. We both deserve to be happy. I hope one day soon I can geniunely feel that in my heart.
