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Well I went and did it. Last week my AFiance was supposed to see a substance abuse counselor on Thursday. He said they called and cancelled the appt. I checked the phone records and realized he called them and cancelled it. He lied about it. I know it was completely wrong and against everything I have learned here to snoop.
Because I did snoop and learned the truth, I exploded. I have never gone off on anyone the way I did on him last Friday. I yelled, screamed and cussed like a sailor for almost 2 hours. I told him to get over himself and get to AA. I was irate. It wasn't even that one act I was so mad at. I was mad about everything he has done. All the lying, all the false apologies and broken promises to change. I told him I would not be mailing out the wedding invitations. I also told him that if he lied, drank or missed an appt one more time, I would kick him out. Again, I know that tantrums, ultimatums and threats are NOT the way to go. But I was at my wit's end and just lost it.
The weekend was quiet, but I was sick to my stomach the whole time, just knowing nothing I said would change his actions. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I got home from work yesterday and he had drank in the afternoon and tried to lie about it. He was on the phone with someone getting directions when I walked in. It was directions to an AA meeting for last night. Now some of you may remember, this is the guy who questions God and is not even sure about a Higher Power (or so has been his excuse to not turn to AA). He asked me if I would drive him there and wait for him. Then, he asked if I would go in with him. I felt some relief and a heaping dose of anxiety, but I agreed.
The meeting was a closed one, but the people were so kind and generous enough to let me stay. They shared quite a bit and when it came to be my AF's turn, he spilled his guts. He was a wreck, crying and trying to get the words out. The people in the meeting all congratulated him for showing up and told him to come back and to get a sponser. At then end of the meeting, they asked if anyone was there for the first time who was ready to stop drinking and submit to their Higher Power. My AF stood up and took that chip. I think that is the proudest I have ever been of him. They made a list of all the numbers of the men in the group and handed it to him at the end of the meeting. He actually called three of them after we left. He is looking for a sponser and some new friends who do not drink.
I am hopeful this morning. The invitations have made it from the house to the car. I just needed to share my feelings and be accountable for the mistakes I have made in the past week.
Thanks for listening (reading, rather!). I truly appreciate this community of people here that I can share with, without judgement.
I'm so glad he got to a meeting, :) I hope you will consider going yourself to alanon. It makes a huge difference to know you are not alone and you are not. I know what a hot mess I was, that's me describing myself .. lol. I so was and just going and continuing to go it's what makes a huge difference in my own life. The payout is tremendous for everyone in my life. Best of all I know I have choices I didn't see before and I've taken back my own power instead of freely giving it away. I'm a lot less tired and have more energy. It's all a good thing. :)
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you, Pushka. I will be checking out the local meetings today. I am very anxious and private as it is, so this will be a huge difficult step for me. But no one else is going to do this for me. Thanks for the encouragement.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease. I am so very glad that your boyfriend has reached out to AA and found the hand of AA reaching out to him.
Living with this disease infects all who come in contact with it. Alanon tools: meetings, living one day at a time , focused on myself with belief in a Higher Power enabled me to continue to sustain my marriage when my husband found recovery.
If you cannot get to a Face to Face Meetings, please keep coming back here and try our on line meetings
Thank you HotRod Betty! I needed that. I will look into the online meetings, too. I haven't looked really at anything but this site. I can tell it's been a life-changer already. So appreciative.
It's no wonder you erupted as you did -- I think we're all been there.
I am very glad your A took the first step toward AA. I hope you'll remember that these are very early days, so it may be wise not to do anything irrevocable. When my ex went to AA for the first time I understood it as the final step of a long process, but really it was the first step of a different long process. Sadly, it was not a process my A could finish, although he bounced in and out of AA innumerable times. But you can't stay in if you don't take that first step.
Since alcoholism drags everyone around into insanity, this is such a perfect time for you to go your next step and find a great meeting, get a sponsor, etc. Keep on taking good care of yourself!
I really hope it turns out to be as positive a start as you hope, and all the encouraging replies are suggesting...
My experience with this type of thing was far less encouraging.... My AW would 'involve me in her recovery' when she wanted to buy time and 'brownie points' with me for "trying".... When she decided to get sober - for real - she stopped putting on a show for me, and took her sobriety completely under her own wing, and hasn't had a drink in over nine years now...
I hope that the meeting with your A was real, and he is truly becoming serious about his sobriety... Everyone gets there different, but him wanting you to 'wait for you' as he goes to his meeting, and then wanting you to 'go inside with you' to the meeting - just has too many red flags for me...
I echo the sentiment about choosing recovery for you....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
NovSun, glad you are here and found us! I will back up the other's responses with I hope you can find an alanon meeting for yourself to go to. I didn't want to at first, I dragged my feet, then I went and I thought it wasn't for me, I could do it without help. I came back here realizing I really do need this group and the face to face meetings because I need to get better and feel better. I now have a sponsor and I go to meetings. I come on here and post and I read the literature and the book Getting Them Sober. I am glad you went to an AA meeting, its a great eye opener and then I hope you get to an alanon meeting for you, because thats where the "stuff" is for you to get better from this and stop the insanity ....
Keep coming, it works when you work it!
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 2nd of August 2011 11:46:20 AM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Truly worth the long read I am not sure there are many of us that can say we never slipped in our program and just let loose with all the pentup anger, hurt, frustration, lies etc, So don't beat yourself up over that. We slip, get up dust ourselves off and start our day over again. It's ok I hope this is a positive turn for your bf and will pray for that Keep workin it! You are worth it! Blessings
Thanks to everyone for all the support. It's mind-boggling to know that I am not the only one thinking these thoughts or feeling these feelings.
Tom - the thought did cross my mind that this was a show for me. After all, he had been drinking in the afternoon and we attended an 8pm meeting. I don't know how sober he was to be honest. Maybe in his drunken brain he thought that would get me off his back for awhile. I guess only time will tell. The story of your AW does give me some hope that it CAN be done.
I understand how easily to react. Learning new behaviors takes practice. So don't beat yourself up!
My former AH went to 3 rehabs and had to detox twice. He once went to AA meetings for show (I think). He tells me now that when he did go, he didn't think he had a problem like all the others at the meetings.
Now - after having quite a time trying to detox by himself, he realizes that he can't drink - ever. This is what he says. It has been only a little over 60 days of sobriety and going to 1 to 2 meetings per day and being an out patient at the rehab facility.
We all have to take it one day at a time. The only thing we can control is our own behavior / attitude. For me, I learn something new about alcoholism and myself every day. Since attending Al-Anon meetings for a little over 5 months, my world isn't so unstable.
I hope your AF has hit his bottom!
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi there. I am glad you shared your story here. I do shadow Tom in hoping this isn't just for show. My exAH would go out to the bars and come home at some ridiculous time, I would go balistic and overreact and he would promise the moon and stars, until the next time. I learned to stop reacting and work my program. I learned to Let Go and Let God with him and put my energy into taking care of me and stop obsessing about what he was doing, I learned I couldn't save him and it was the hardest lesson for me to get. It isn't easy and didn't come naturally. I feel sane and secure within myself right now and it's because I go to meetings, have a sponsor and come here in between. I hope you find some meetings for you. Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Well I went and did it. Last week my AFiance was supposed to see a substance abuse counselor on Thursday. He said they called and cancelled the appt. I checked the phone records and realized he called them and cancelled it. He lied about it. I know it was completely wrong and against everything I have learned here to snoop. 