The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not new to AlAnon, just to here..... Can't get to meetings very often due to location.
AH has been sober for quite awhile and doing very well. Now he has convinced himself that he could probably handle it a few times a year. At family get togethers, social situations, or whatever. Doesn't want to be a party pooper, ya know? He's been bringing this up on a fairly frequent basis now, although has yet to do it (that I am aware of).
I know the 3 C's. I get step #1.
It's his choice what he's going to put in his body. But what do I do about it? (I know, nothing, but you know that isn't really my question). I get the feeling it is going to happen sooner than later. How do I handle the proverbial 'morning after'?
What I am trying to ask is how do I handle myself? In the past I've done all the classic "don'ts." Cold shoulder, guilt tripping, hysterics, ranting, and on and on and on. I know you all get it. I understand now that isn't what to do, but I am afraid of slipping back into bad habits.
Aloha Chicka...Boy don't I know the voice of fear so well also. Fear tells me something is gonna happen and I get into it before it does. Fortune Telling...Future looking rather than just standing right over my feet and right under my Higher Power. Your focus is on "HIM". He's your Higher Power and your will is running for the position. I've been there and done that and then came to understand that "I could be wrong" and I might as well stay in the moment and have a good time in that moment. He may and he may not...don't get there before him. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
See if you can find some literature you can get into regarding your condition.
Thanks Jerry. I am doing my best to work the AlAnon program, and it has helped me to positively change so much in my life. Didn't realize what a train wreck I had become......
You are right about the fear part. It's just that things have been really nice. I don't want it to end. And yes, you are right about my HP. He has carried me around a lot lately, and I feel His presence so strongly in my life. Guess I need to work on Letting Go and Letting God.
A crystal ball would be nice, though, wouldn't it?
What do you mean by this: See if you can find some literature you can get into regarding your condition.
If and when ? yrs ago a friend told me about thier one and only slip in sobriety, she had gone on a holiday her husb had been sober for 3 yrs , he decided he should be able to have a social drink . her sponsor called her and told her about the slip and reasured her her husb was already back at meetings.. when she arrived home her husb sat her down and told her about his slip , she reached across the table and took his hand and said I am sorry you have to keep hurting yourself like this , and got up and left the room.. her husb told me he knew then that he was on his own she was not going on the trip with him this was his problem and her statement made it perfectly clear that she was leaving it with him where it belonged ..
My sponsor has been helping me with this very issue. You see, I tend to project and try to future cast whats gonna happen. I am working on that and she told me to remember its not my decision. The only thing I can do is change me. My reactions. I have learned from this site and RLC a board member here, that I have to remember: DON'T REACT. And to REMAIN CALM. In all things, I need to have a calm, assertive presence.
So what I do when my A-fiance says things like "maybe I will get some beers, booze or wine" I say "thats your decision" and I walk away. In the morning when he wakes up with a hang over, and tells me how awful he feels, I say "I am sorry you keep hurting yourself like this" and let it go. The other thing I am doing with my sponsor's encouragement is to encourage him to make the right choice. Saying things like "I am sure you will make the right choice" and then leaving him with it. Or "I know you will make the right decision" and leaving it at that. Then I get on here, or read One day at a time or COurage to change or even the AA big book to help me focus on me. I call my sponsor too.
We learn to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. I think Jerry meant about finding literature is to read the alanon books etc. and the book Getting Them Sober. I also got a sponsor because it was suggested that if I did that I would begin to feel better. And now I am also learning that I have to pass it on. So I am doing that here and starting to do it at meetings in real time. Take care of you! youfoundme
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Welcome, you've gotten some really great ESH already. I just wanted to say hi and let you know this board has been a God send for me. Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks all, very much. Like I said I am not new to AlAnon, but there aren't meetings close to where I live anymore so I was looking for another way to connect. I have read lots of literature, and admit I have fallen behind in my ODAAT book. Thanks for the reminder.
I have never liked the "Sorry you did that to yourself" comment. It feels very passive aggressive to me. He is the one that has to decide if he has a drinking problem, not me. And by saying that, I am inferring that I am disapproving of what he has done. Which to me feels like I am trying to continue to be a part of his problem.
You found me, you are right about future projecting. Yes, I do it. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but it does help me to think better about 'respond don't react.'
"We learn to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. " I agree with this comment, but am also fearful and untrustful of myself. I am afraid that if he picks up the bottle again, all the emotions are going to rush right back. Like I said, its been really nice with him sober. We get along great, and have been doing much better as a couple.
Yes, I am fearful. Anyone have a spare crystal ball?
I have a dusty one in the closet, it doesn't come with a guarantee and there is a crack in it. :)
Who isn't fearful of the unknown and proverbial shoe dropping feeling in the pit of their stomach? I'm in a place where I am done and tired of being collateral damage to the drinking. Most of all I'm tired of what I do to myself, it's not easy to step out of the fear. It's like someone asking me to step off of a cliff and whatever I do don't look down. Heights I don't do heights there is a reason God made me short .. lol.
Hang in there, there are many angels here at MIP who unknowingly whisper words in someone's ear, which leads to some kind of spontaneous healing. We all do that for each other I like to think at least.
If you happen upon a working crystal ball I call dibs :)
Hugs, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Have you read Getting Them Sober? You can find it on amazon and its a great book for helping us live with an active or recovering A. I really do try to say the least I can if he drank the night before. My sponsor has taught me the best thing I can do while he drinks is to take care of me, and not react and to remain calm. Then in the morning, when he is sober and we can talk, if he asks how bad he was or tells me he feels awful, saying to him that I am sorry he did that to him self in a tone of voice that is not condesending is good. Or I can choose to say nothing about it, I can smile at him and say I love him and move on with the day. I am not confrontational anymore, it does no good, just enables them to drink more. I have to stay out of his business and take care of me. He sometimes tries to get me to re-hash what happened the night before by asking me questions about what he did, and I have chosen to say "I really don't want to talk about the past, its not making us feel better and I want to live in today" That seems to help and he realizes I am not going to go down the self-pity road with him. Things are getting better at my house, even living with an active A. He wants sobriety now and he is trying. Hope this helps. Keep coming back, I can't always get to meetings either, because of my kid's schedules, and this board helps so much! That and my sponsor :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
YFM - Yes I did read it. Awhile ago, but wow did it hit home.
Funny timing. AH called to check in awhile ago. He is out runing some errands, but yet his voice just sounded 'off' to me. I didn't ask, and I don't know for sure....but I suspect he's had a few. Should be and interesting evening. God grant me the serenity...... When I posted yesterday I really didn't think it would happen so soon. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.
I can relate to your fear. I have been there and done that! My AH was sober for 10 years and we had such a good time during those 10 years. I miss those years so much. He has relapsed and does not work a program. Thank God for this program. Now, I am learning to have a life of my own. I do many things alone, with friends, and with other family members. When my AH is sober and wants to join me, he is more than welcome to come along. Life is too short and sweet. I am learning to focus on me, myself, and I.
I hear the fear and worry in your voice and am sorry this disease is affecting you. It is a terribly sad disease. My exAH called me 3 times last night telling me about how drunk he was, I started to stress and worry and the stinkin thinking began. I thought about running over to his house, which is 3 blocks away. I thought about how this was ruining my night. I thought about how he might drive in this condition. And so on..... When I catch myself living in fear of the future, I usually realize I need to more fully turn the situation over to my HP who can handle it much better than I. So I realized I had a great day with my kids and I wasn't about to let him ruin it. The third call I told him he knows not to call me drunk and to stop and that I was taking the phone off the hook after that. He apologized and stopped calling. I had to reset my boundary and stick to it, I had to fully turn him over rather than try to handle the situation myself. When I try to control it by saying or doing the right thing, I fall back in and feel the insanity coming back into my head. Meetings are important especially when you are in full spin, a sponsor is priceless and MIP is a great in between refresher. I hope you can dettach from what your A is going to do and focus on taking care of you. Sending you love and support!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
