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A son got his 3rd dui/dwi on Tuesday of last week. He is still on probation for the 2nd one. I am sure he will serve some jail time now.
I did very well at first. He totaled his car and was taken to the er in a ambulance. He refused the sobriety test because a lawyer told him before to never take one. He was not formally arrested but received citations and had to turn himself in within 3 days. We thought he would be arrested at that time. I told him I would take him to turn himself in and bring him back if he was released without bail. If he was to only be released with bail I would leave him there. He did not want to turn himself in until the 3rd day in case they kept him. I took him around to get his things out of his truck as his wife was out of town with her daughter for softball tournaments. I decided I was leaving for the beach on Thurs morning so he would then have to find someone else to take him in. There is so much other stuff going on in my life right now between him, my husband, my mother and my other son in Japan who will be having another baby in about 2 weeks. I have no idea when I will ever see that baby or my granddaughter unless they can make it home for Christmas. I miss so much not being able to have any kind of a relationship with my grandchildren in Japan. Anyway, I left for the beach the next morning. My son was so depressed and could not believe that I left him by himself. I just had to get away from everything including my job and I felt if I stayed I would be pulled in again and give in for his bail.
I was so depressed and so impulsive about what I was doing. I gave my resignation to a wonderful job and was going to move to my beach house and get a job there. It is 3 hours from where I live now. I spent all day Thursday when I got there laying in bed. I made myself get up and go out for awhile on Thurs night. I was so worried about my son as he was talking about suicide. I told dil that she would need to call 911 if he was taking that way. I get the impression that she thinks I am heartless right about now....along with my siblings. By later on Thursday night I called my husband who I am barely speaking to and told him to bail out son. He was not happy about that to say the least. As it turned out he just had to sign papers and was not arrested. I am back at work today. My boss said she would hold my resignation until Monday morning as she knows that I have so much on my plate right now and just needed a little time to think things through. I am not quitting my job. That is about the only thing I am sure about today.
From what I have seen since my son and dil married I am pretty sure they will not stay together. She seems to be supporting him now but he had to quit his job, has no transportation, no money and will most likely go to jail. She knew what shape he was in when she married him less then a year ago. I told her over and over that they should not get married. They both have a lot of baggage. I truly believe that she thought after they got married he would quit drinking. This is a 40 year old woman who has been on her own with 3 daughters for a long time. She is a nurse that has worked in an er and you would think she knows about the drunks that are brought in there.
Son has had some abstinence in the past few months and has been attending AA. He even found a home group and felt very good about that. The day of his accident he tried very hard not to drink. He called people to try and divert the relapse (I don't believe it was AA people though) Nothing panned out for him. There must have been a job opening at a bar he hung out and his disease told him to go there and see if he could get the job. Well...we know where that led.
I am really sorry for such a long post but I am not sure I would be strong enough to not let him come back home if his marriage does not work out. I am not sure if I can refrain from helping him with a lawyer. Right now I am not even close to knowing where my marriage stands. I will not turn my back on my son for my husband. My husband really knows nothing about addiction and just thinks it is mind over matter. He would never go to an Alanon meeting with me. There is so much more wrong with my marriage then my son so I just have to think things through and take one thing at a time.
Thanks for listening to my vent if you were able to make it this far.
You have a lot on your plate. Sounds like you are worried about a lot of outcomes that you don't have control over. That's hard on the head.
I know what you are saying about fearing the judgement of others when we make purposeful decisions to detach. Many don't understand it. That's okay. You need to do what is the next right thing for YOU. My experience has been that no amount of my self-induced suffering has had positive effects on ANYONE.
I am so very sorry that this is all coming up right now. So very glad that your Boss held your resignation and that you were able to rethink that decision. It is obvious that your Boss knows how valuable you are as an employee and that is fantastic.
Please just keep trying to show up and do the next right thing . Focus on yourself and most importantly DO NOT PROJECT. I find when I have difficult times that I can Focus on the "Just for Today " alanon Bookmark It really helps get me thru.
I know how much you love your son and worry about his well being. Glad that he has fellows in AA and possibly they can offer some solutions for him. I know when my son had his DUI a fellow AA member, who was an attorney handled it for him. at minimal cost. Remember that he can also get a court appointed attorney if he needs one.
Just try to do this one moment at a time because It is very hard You and your family are in my prayers.
I'm soooo sorry you are dealing with this it's so much to process and figure out what is going on and STAY DETACHED .. you have to do what is best for your own mental health. Only you can decide what is right for you. It's such a long drawn out process .. which for the life of me I do not understand that part. It's like having a band aide ripped off in the slowest possible way.
I'm dealing with my A's DUI at the moment and I was so grateful for reading your post because you reminded me on so many levels what I do and do not have control over. thank you so very much for your share.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Gail HUGS!!!! You are not alone, thanks for posting this. I have been reading the books One day at a time in alanon and COurage to Change. Also Getting Them Sober has helped me so much. Keep coming! Go to a meeting if you can, read on here...these are things I do to help me stay focused on me. Do you have a sponsor? Mine helps me so much... Take care! Keep coming
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I can tell you that I did get to the point with the now Ex A where I couldn't do it anymore. I don't actually look at it as turning my back. I look at is as getting to my limit.
I lived, ate and breathed the what next for almost ten years.
Someone who is around an alcoholic gets infected with the disease. I knew full well when I met the ex A he had issues. What I didn't see was how destructive those issues were from the moment I met him. He did a great job of hiding, denial and living in some fairy tale. I saw the fairy tale not the reality. I know its easy to judge and be angry with people for not having limits. The issue is limits, boundaries, common sense stuff goes out the window around an alcoholic. The only way to do it I've found is with al anon. With al anon I can set limits, have perspective, not be cordoned in, not be brainwashed, not rescue, cajole and be angry at.
The ex A did many a hole in one. He had holes where he had no transport, money, food, friends, health, whatever it was he still didn't give up using. He held me entirely responsible for so much for years.
I can understand running and hiding. I think its perfectly okay you took off. Sometimes circumstances are overwhelming. You didn't stay gone...
Hi Gailey, I hear a lot of feeling out of control and spinning in your post. I am hoping you are able to attend meetings soon. Dettaching is so hard and has caused me lots of grief, but the more I Let Go and Let God the more sane I feel. I am hoping you find serenity soon and I am glad you decided to keep your job and it was still available. I am sending you love and support.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
So Sorry you have to go thru all this... And at the Same time! WOW... You have strength you can't even see... Cause thats Alot...
Very Grateful that your Work place gave you the choice, and see's what you are struggling to over come, the way work is today, most places would just move on to the next applicant, so that is very Special they want to Keep you...
I Can Only speak from my own experiences and most somewhat like yours sons, was My Abrother... He had 4 DUI's and Served Very Little (In my Mind) Jail time for his actions... But there came a Point were I had to quit feeling sorry for him and realize that regardless of his Disease, he made the choice to be who he is! My Fear was always Not only did i Fear Loosing HIM in a Car accident, but also that I feared he would Take the Life of a Child or other person while he Chose to be out Driving without a license...
Being Honest I will say that 13 yrs ago, I too got a DUI... I was Going to pick up my Abrother (Above) because his girlfriend thru him out... I had WAY to much to drink and should have said NO! When I Got there, He left on Foot and Found a Ride and Never called to let me know, so Not only did I not Pick up my Brother, I Picked up a DUI... And 2 yrs of running to probation offices, handing my hard earned money over to the state, and the desire to keep up that life style demenissed quickly...Last Oct. I went out with my Husband and Had a Wonderful time, but again OVER Drank, went to try and sleep it off, and when I got up the next day sick as a dog, I had to drive my motorcycle over 100 Miles throwing up most of the journey ... I have not Had a Drink Since! I'm DONE with it... That is ME... My Bottom...
I have learned thru this program tho, even tho I hope & I Pray that my Brother will come to his bottom I realized that me "Helping" him to Anything was Only Hurting him more...My Mom is alot like you have descibed yourself, and I have finally got her to stop bailing him out, and he too threatened her with suiside, and I just told her everytime he does call the cops! Cause ya just don't know if He is Crying Wolf or just Manipulating her to get what he wants... And he Plays the Game WELL!!!
He hasn't got into AA or any 12 step for that matter and looks Down his Nose at me for going to Al-Anon, he has told others that I think I'm better them him! and that is so far from the truth...I Just know that me Enabling him isn't doing any of us any good... And he did go with a Court appointed Lawyer, because i made my mom Close her Purse to his Illness... He hated her for awhile after his last court date, but that was over 3 years ago, and so far... no More DUI's... So What ever works best for you... Is Soley Up to you...
As (((Hotrod)))) Mentioned the main thing is Don't Preject... No One knows what Tomorrow Brings, regardless for how well we Plan... One day at a Time is Really all we can do...
Please take what you like and leave the Rest... So Grateful your here, and I hope there is a Local F2F that you find Comfort at...
Sending Prayers to you and your Family... Congrats on the Grandbaby's Friends in Recovery ...
Hi Gail.........I hear and empathise. I too have run.....and returned.....and run....and returned!! Like you everything was getting to me.....the 'elephant' was huge and choking me....didn't know where to turn.
It was when I wanted to throw myself off the nearest tall building I realised something had to change, and my al-anon journey began.
Now, with practice, I remind myself to STOP, THINK and act in MY best interest. I try to live one day at a time best I can and when the projecting starts I get busy .....usually scrubbing the house like a fiend!!! but mostly upping my meetings and daily support here at MIP.
My husband kind of hangs off my al-anon coat tails but he is still in fear mode regarding our son and quite often wants to enable.....but he now sometimes asks what I'm going to do before he acts (then usually does the opposite) but I'm finding he is beginning to change his attitudes slightly.
I think when the A is a child couples have a lot to contend with.....men & women are poles apart in how they think and act and I know my husband has niggling resentments with some of my choices as I do with his...we have to talk stuff out a lot more...the relationship changes........but that's a whole other book!!
Remember HALT...I use this when I feel (and hear) myself slipping and try to bring myself back into check, and it does help......... at other times I ignore it and go full pelt into an insane rant, and that's okay too......... nothing wrong with a good rant, I aint no paragon and sometimes it's constructive!!
Hope you are feeling less stressed (((((((((hugs))))))))
A son got his 3rd dui/dwi on Tuesday of last week. He is still on probation for the 2nd one. I am sure he will serve some jail time now.
