The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a mom who is very angry right now. With me, it seems. For not being caring enough to her, not emotional enough.
I can she is just scared right now and wants love and a hug and sympathy and someone to sit with her and ask her how she is. She wants me to be that person.
Oh gosh, I am not that person yet, am I?
Should I hug her when I don't quite feel it?
When I am still reeling from last week when she raged at me?
Wouldn't it be nice if I was advanced enough to hug her and love her in the very moment she is at her worst?
When someone raged at you, you don't have to feel like hugging her. In Al-Anon we're taught to let the natural consequences of bad choices be there. The natural consequence of raging at someone is that the other person feels distant and angry. You don't have to overcome that just because your mom now wants it to be as if she didn't behave that way.
That said, holding on to anger is not good for us. But you get to process your emotions in your own time, not because now she needs something. It sounds as if she has volatile emotions and wants you to be what she wants you to be when she wants you to be it. There is nothing wrong, the way I see it, with processing your emotions on your own time scale. It sounds as if you feel guilty and as if you ought to want to hug her. But maybe the new healthy behavior would be to honor your own responses to being yelled at? Not that raging back would be a helpful response; just that acknowledging to yourelf that it hurts and it's unhealthy is true and honest. I've found that it's especially hard to get past hurtful behavior when the other person doesn't acknowledge that it was hurtful. That requires a big helping of detachment and compassion.
It's so hard to take an emotional risk and yes, .. lol .. a hug is an emotional risk. I mean if I hug someone there is always a possibility for rejection. My grandma is not a hugger, we weren't a huggy kind of family. My kids are huggers and hugged ALL the time .. lol. It's a few things I remember hugging her though and having her pull away while I was in the middle of hugging her. It wasn't that she didn't want to be hugged it was almost as if it was physically painful for her. I mentioned this to my mom who hadn't noticed it on the same level I had I guess, she has come to realize that it's true. Now years later, grandma doesn't initiate hugs, she now enjoys them.
Anyway, sorry I had a point, me and my points .. lol .. good grief. Helloooo coofffeee!
It's really hard to give someone something when the violation of hurt is there and the rejection is right on my sleeve by doing something I'm not sure I really want to do. I totally agree with Mattie, deal with your own feelings figure out where you are. I'm fortunate because when I have to deal with my mom I have the luxury of the phone. I can say gee the kids are home gotta go and end the call when it becomes apparent things are not going to be productive. There are things I can't give her right now, and honestly I don't know if I will ever be able to give those emotional things to her. So I give what I am comfortable with and work on my own stuff and let her do the best she can.
Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You have me thinking about different types of hugs. I am just starting to focus on it as a result of your posting.
Physical Hugs: Romantic hug. Between a couple. Relation hug. "Your my relative and I have an attachment to you" Caring hug. "Removing pain from another or allowing them to let it out. Make up hug. "I still care" or "I forgive" Friendship hug. Im showing you that your important to me. Fear hug. "I am afraid and need to be close to someone"
Emotional Hug: Showing my caring without physical touch.
I am sure there are many other types. I have only thought about this for 10 minutes as I typed.
Is it possible to substitute types of hugs when I don't feel comfortable with another type? When my comfort circle does not want to touch others what can I do to let others know my positive feelings?
Maybe the magic part of a hug is to change an emotion by the act itself.
-- Edited by All I can be on Sunday 31st of July 2011 10:46:25 AM
-- Edited by All I can be on Sunday 31st of July 2011 10:50:42 AM
What is it you FEEL like doing? Sometimes just a touch on a hand means as much as a hug. Sometimes I want to hug someone but don't feel right about violating their space so I find a different way to let them know I"m there - a touch on the hand, playful punch on the arm, light touch on the shoulder - sometimes just sitting close while they talk. I've gotten to a point in life where if I want to hug/touch, I do, because its what "I" want to do. So what do YOU want to do?
I'm imagining my relationship with my AH - he rages at me, doesn't communicate for a while, then acts like nothing happened, etc. Friday I delivered divorce paperwork to him, he hurt, got emotional and I REALLY wanted to relieve his pain, all I could do was reach out and fleetingly caress the back of his neck. If he were here hurting I think I'm at the point where I would be able to say "_____, what do you want me to do? It's hard to have you so angry at me last time we spoke and then wanting me to turn around care about how you are feeling now"
This just came to me as I edited myself - the Footprints poem - the last line, "it was then that I carried you" - The God of my understanding, no matter what my sins, would carry me if I needed it. Maybe that's what unconditional love means to me, caring about someone deep down, despite their mistakes.
I guess I'll go back to asking - what do YOU want to do?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
