Newish....weekends r the hardest - Al-Anon Family Group

hiflying1 · Member

Newish....weekends r the hardest

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

Glad you are here, I hope you will stick around and post some more. Being addicted to the drama in general I can relate. Growing up I watched my mom act out (not a drinker however good grief the drama, drama, drama) and even though I knew on some level it wasn't normal it became normal in my head. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I really go out of my way now to ask myself how important (when I feel myself looking for the pick a fight high) it is and even though this isn't an alanon saying what is the point of my own motivation. Am I bored, looking for a distraction, what am I feeling that I need to deflect away from myself. It def goes back to I'm lacking something that I need and I have to do a HALT. Now when I feel myself needing that though I def get into my head and move into a different direction.

Hugs and welcome, you know the saying keep coming back because you are worth it. :) P :)

hawaiilover · Senior Member

You are in the right place. There are so many supportive people on this site. You will get the support you need. I am married to an alcoholic and am affected by this disease as well. There is a scar that only Alanon can heal. Please, keep coming back. This program works.

Hugs to you. Hawaii

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Unless someone has done a lot of work on themselves being an ACA is pretty diffiuclt stuff.

I was absolutly enmeshed with the ex A. I spent many a night and day in screamathons. I regularly filled his entire answering machine virtual or whatever with screams and fights. Not fighting with him was such an issue.

I have had to unentangle from the ex A. I think that was one of the most difficult things I ever did.

Good luck

Maresie.

hiflying1 · Member

Um, Thanks for all the responses, especially the telephone screaming one.

I don't like to actually admit it, but last wekend was the worse telephone junk I have done. He promised to help me with my rent. Then he danced around the promise. THen he said there will be strings attached. So, as usual, he knows this little dance is pushing all my buttons because I am desperate for financial help.

So, I started making threats like "if you don't give me this small loan (400.) I will get the money, plenty of money" THen I turned up my itues while he was coming up with his latest insults.

After that, I called him a million times with a million different tunes. I am so totally upset. He previously flung out some other crappy insults too that were awful.

I KNOW at some level I am addicted to the telephone call fighting. Right now, I want to call him and sort of talk about what I need to do for financial help. I want to just do what I am going to do, but I can't trust myself for anything right now. I know I am too impulsive.

Even during the week now, I cannot decide how to solve the financial mess. I am in this situation partly because of his not reimbursing me.

He says I could just come home and be his wife. Yeah right.

It is not safe to just go home.

hiflying1 · Member

So, if I am correct, what I am hearing from the posts is essentially I am getting something out of the telephone fights?
I have been separated for several years but was really in denial about it being what it was....separation. I know that sounds a bit stupid but there it is.
I would go home every weekend, clean house, iron, do the laundry, take insults and feel guilty about being gone.
AND do it all over the next weekend for five years.
Crazy.

Verbal abuse and then it got to be physical so I don't go back at all now.
Tried short visits, but as soon as I sensed the possibility of anger or physical stuff, I said I had to go and ran for my car.

He is a professional person, kind, compassionate, intelligent.
It is so easy to blame the crazy conversations and fighting on me. I am the sick one.
I have come to learn it is both of us.

BUT, i can't figure out what to do.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

From what I know, we become addicted to the chaos and that is probably what is going on with the telephone addiction. You are addicted to the calls because they feed your disease and allow you to get that adrenalin rush. We get addicted to the adrenalin. I know I am. I have to work so hard to keep my focus on me. I have bad days, and great days now with this program. Are you going to ACOA as well? Maybe there is one near by. Call your sponsor instead of the ex. That may help? Read some literature. Place your trust in you HP... Take care of you. keep coming!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the saying,nothing changes if nothing changes.

So what makes you not get money from that account? You are hurting financially.

what makes you answer the phone if all it is, is more abuse?

Progress does not just reveal itself, it comes as a natural progression as we work our program.

I remember reading Al Anon stuff and thinking, wow! I have changed that, and that and that! I feel better!

When we take control of our own life, our own decisions, walk our path, stop the negative poison coming in, I tell ya it is sooo freeing. even if you are wondering if you need to find a cheaper place, or drop the satellite or cable and watch on the computer, get magic jack sooooooo cheap! net flix is eight bucks.

I like making all those frugal decisions, figuring out how to do it by myself again.

It can be done hon. The leap is faith in hp and faith in YOU. One day at a time, figuring things out.

We are here to support you, make suggestions, care about you! What makes one leave a bad situation, then think about going back when nothing has changed? Cannot even talk on the phone?

I can tell you, being alone in my life, well no one lives with me, my animals do...i am so serene with out all that abuse, sick arguements, insanity. I am happy! Hey it has not been easy but soooo much better than well uno.

Hugs hon, little steps! If you want help on frugal stuff that makes sense, just ask me.

hugs,debilyn who's power bill is $30 bucks a month!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

hiflying1 wrote:
So, if I am correct, what I am hearing from the posts is essentially I am getting something out of the telephone fights?
I have been separated for several years but was really in denial about it being what it was....separation. I know that sounds a bit stupid but there it is.
I would go home every weekend, clean house, iron, do the laundry, take insults and feel guilty about being gone.
AND do it all over the next weekend for five years.
Crazy.

Verbal abuse and then it got to be physical so I don't go back at all now.
Tried short visits, but as soon as I sensed the possibility of anger or physical stuff, I said I had to go and ran for my car.

He is a professional person, kind, compassionate, intelligent.
It is so easy to blame the crazy conversations and fighting on me. I am the sick one.
I have come to learn it is both of us.

BUT, i can't figure out what to do.

I have said this a lot .. lol .. I'm thinking I may need another lesson myself. If you don't want to be treated like a doormat you gotta get off the floor. Yes, it's not just one sided, it's easy to deflect and make one person the bad guy or the crazy person. I have yet to meet a perfect person. I mean 100% perfect. My daughter has said she's 12 .. lol .. when someone points a finger there are 3 pointed back at the person pointing. That resonated with me big time. I started to see when I did that kind of thing and what was I trying to get out of it.

As far as the calls, what are you getting out them? Only you can decide what you get or don't get. I used to describe living with my mom and s/dad as being in a habitiually conflicted atmoshpere. I don't know if that makes sense. It was just constant verbal chaos. Even when I was in a peaceful state I had to stir the pot for a long time because it was actually uncomfortable to live in an atmosphere that wasn't in in conflict of some kind. I had been wronged, I was the victim, blah blah blah .. I had the whole scenerio in my head.

I agree with YFM, instead of calling the ex call your sponsor and workout what it is you are feeling when you have the need to call. Why is it he still has so much power over your financial situation? If it's possible that you can take that power away from him.

I'm not a bad person because of how I grew up, I had to learn new (good for me) behaviors to replace the old (outdated ones that no longer worked for me) behaviors.

Work your program, you know you are worth it. :) P :)

hiflying1 · Member

My situation is difficult. I KNOW....everyone thinks their situation is unique. So, I still feel mine is. I am separated but not legally separated. He still wants me to come home but HE is not willing to seek any measures to get healthy. I KNOW he thinks it is all me somehow. So, I finally realized a few months ago that I need to stay away. That was a huge hurdle for me. I felt I had a responsibility to keep (co-dendent thinking I have come to realize). WHen the physical abuse occurred, I realized the rules of the game had changed and I HAD to stay away. So, then I would only go for an hour or so visit. That made him angry cause he thought he had done so much work in preparation for my visit and he felt confused by my actions. Confusing for me too.
Now, we just do the telephone dance and it is horrible.

He has power over my financial situation because I guess I gave it to him. He owes me money and is playing games to pay me. In the end, I realize he is not going to pay. We have been discussing divorce and settlement, but I realize he is not going to agree on anything.

I also realize I am way ahead of myself. I don't need to think about divorce today.
So I won't

But the money situation has been serious so I accessed a running account we have. I know there will be H@#** to pay when he finds out. I am thinking about transferring a portion of it back somehow. I don't know.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.