The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So much of my resentment towards the ex A was about my expectations of him. I had an expectation that he would turn around, be repsonsible, caring and an eual partner. He was never that. Of course he alluded to it. At times he would put on a great show of being that. Day in and day out he was never that. He'd leave me waiting for him for hours, he could never be counted on to do anything. He'd prefer his alcoholic friends over me no matter what day it was. My birthday was one day he decided he preferred them and I took it very personally. I had no back up plan to take care of myself. I am sure he loved wielding such great power over me.
I have no expectations of my roommates anymore. I expect them to leave dishes in the sink. I expect them to make a mess. I expect them to use drugs and drink. I expect nothing else. I do however expect them to leave him alone, not ask me for money, not bother me in any shape or form and that seems to work. Of course since i'm not people pleasing any more i'm not exactly liked either.... but they don't step over certain boundaries.
As long as I expected them to clean up after themselves I was in deep dirty places. Now I don't I side step it. I don't allow the dishes to pile up in the sink if I'm using it. I don't "do" the dishes much any longer. I don't engage with them in their denial, pretend and gossip any longer either. So that means I pretty much don't have much to say to them. At the same time I'm free of the debiliating resentment that really hurt my life.
Getting to not resenting them was a long long journey.
maresie thanks for your post. What helped me so much with letting go of resentments was when I heard someone several years ago in my Al-Anon group say: "At the end of the day the only person that is being effected by your resentments is you". A lightbulb moment because I had never thought about it in that way. When someone doesn't fulfill our expectations, resentments usually follow.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Maresie...Change is so hard...not difficult just hard. The apathy and complacency and justifications have so much weight and then I fall into "oh well"...Still I really need to keep working at change for the better for me even if it means turning around and walking back toward the past some. What makes change better for me is faith that I'm being taken care off even when I am not feeling that assured of it. Feeling and knowing that I can make good decisions for myself even when no solutions is perfect. When I work at change looking at the experiences of change that I have had in Al-Anon it becomes easier and me more grateful because what I have now isn't even close to what I was living in then. The next thing then is "the courage to change the things I can" and that doesn't come in a bottle anymore.
