I Slipped Today - Feel Awful - Al-Anon Family Group

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

I Slipped Today - Feel Awful

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfgirl, I'm not sure why, but I know it's true, at least for me. There are times when I know absolutely my a has been drinking, no doubt about it. Then there are times when I only suspect he has been. In the past I would look for evidence and when I found it I only felt worse. I gave up the snooping long ago, it didn't do any good, only made me feel bad, so why bother. So you slipped a little today, quit feeling awful about it. You're human, it happens. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start over. Think about not reacting when he comes home tonight. As you said yourself - ¨I know confronting him when he comes home tonight won't help...¨ So maybe it's better just not to. Hang in there, you ARE doing well, you'll be OK. Hugs

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Thank you Pineapple, I needed to hear that. I want to say "If you want to drink (use, whatever the addiction of the day is) then do it in the open, I won't try to stop you, but at least it will allow me to live in some type of truth". I guess the lying is the worse part because they are smiling at you, acting like everything is normal, and you know they are hiding. Other than his addiction my husband is a wonderful man, but the lying kills me, I know it causes his outbursts, it's the guilt, I get it, so you would think if they just wouldn't hide the using they wouldn't feel the rage that hiding it produces. Lots swirling through my head, I can say this message board has been a lifesaver. In the past I would be lost right now, hearing about your experiences helps immensely. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( surf )))

My son is my A and I can totally relate to your "slip"
My sons drug of choice is hallucenigens. They are called " loner" drugs becuse you get high and dont need or want anyone else around while you are hallucinating. So his MO is go out, get high and get home as quick as he could so he could go into his living quarters as quick as possible to wait for that high.
I could tell immediatly when he got high, long before he even started hallucinating because his whole affect would change, his face would change, his body language etc. So I KNEW he was using.
Having said that I still needed to hear it from him. I would badger him like you couldn't believe until he would finally come clean and tell me what I already knew. WHY? Great question
Because A's are such expert liars and manipulators some how i felt i had to hear him say it to validate what I already knew.
This inevitbaly lead to a huge arguement, onesided I might add. I was the one yelling and screaming etc, my son rarely defended himself.
Thankfully as I grew in the program I learned I didn't need him to validate what I already knew to be true. I learn to follow my own instinct. I didn't bother with confrontation after that because really what was the point. It made for a much quiter home.
I think we come in here so confused and baffled we don't know how to get validation for our feelings or what we see. So we try to get it out of the A.
Today I trust my own gut feelings or instinct period and then I get back to focusing on me.
I slip in other ways all the time, it takes time to learn a new way of thinking or acting. I don't beat myself up over it. When i know I have slipped I get back up, dust myself off and get back on the program train.
So don't be to hard on yourself, it happens to all of us. Good part is we can start our day over at anytime.
Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The alcoholic is our addiction ((((Surfgirl)))) and we have to get passed and over and under it. Hope you're taking advantage of open face to face Al-Anon Meetings in your area. The program has tons of tools including the fellowship with experience like Pineapple's ESH. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease more than our confrontations and screaming and blaming. It owns him and the both of you together. Best thing for me was to get into and around the program and to sit and listen and learn and practice what the smiley and happy people in the rooms of Al-Anon were doing.

Sorry about the wreck or double wreck...have an accident and an alcoholic at the same time and you come to believe that somewhere there is a witch throwing hexes at you all day.

Get a Higher Power and real High One...((((hugs)))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfgirl,

I'm glad to see that you keep coming back to MIP!

Believe me, we all "slip." I slipped for so many years, steeped in ignorance of the disease. I still slip a bit, but I've learned to not beat myself up. And, I'm still learning about the disease and about myself.

You have some awareness already. How about focusing more on learning about the disease, instead of using that time looking for evidence. With practice, you can learn to stop yourself from going on the hunt. Slip will occur - part of the process.

I used to not trust my instincts. Consequently, I went on the hunt for his bottles. Then I would confront him................. and we went round and round countless times. This lasted YEARS! Where did it get me? A mental trip to Crazyville!

One reason I frequent this board is to encourage those who are still on "the hunt" for evidence to give it up. Big waste of valuable time. I spent that last 26 years of our 36 year marriage on what I call "The hunt and then confront mission."

It has been written on these threads that he will drink or he won't - nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and learn about the disease, whether you live with him or not. (My ex-AH moved out and I learned very quickly that there were residual effects that I needed to take care of and not sweep them under the rug.) I had my own denial going on.

For me when I found evidence it was, like you, much more difficult than when I just suspected that he was drinking. For me, it was much easier living with my suspensions. When I came f2f with the evidence, then I knew, especially when I began to realize confrontation were futile, I had to do something. But what? I always thought it meant doling out ultimatiums - he either stops drinking or he continues drinking and he must leave our home. I didn't realize for a long time that what was the best for me was to go to meetings to gain the support and knowledge I needed to make my life better, regardless of what he chose to do.

Make sense? Hope at least part of this does. Keep coming back!

Take good care, Gail

hawaiilover · Senior Member

It is okay to have slips. Alcoholics have relapses. Alanoners have slips. It is part of the process. The programs tells us that this disease is too much for most of us. I know this is true for me. That is the reason I keep going back to meetings. I could not make it alone without Alanon support. Be gentle with yourself. Reward yourself for the wonderful progress you are making. Focus on your positive qualities. Slips are just that and nothing else. Hugs to you.

Hawaii

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Something that helps me in this is it's not about the slips for me, it's about how long it takes me to get back into my own program. Yes, no one is perfect. It's going to happen, how long do I wait to start refocusing on me. As long as I move back into my program, I gotta figure progress not perfection. None of us are perfect.

P :) Hugs :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you made it home safe and I know all about slips. The thing I am learning from my sponsor is that I can start over. I started my day grumpy but then I am ending it differently because I spoke with my sponsor and she helped me see things differently. Keep coming, go to a meeting, come on here, read literature. Every little bit helps. The book Getting Them Sober helped me so much to stop counting. Today you thought you had power over it, just keep saying the first step. We are powerless... Take care of you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Because you are sick honey. You have not faced it is a disease, there is NOTHING you can do about it.

His disease, his decisions are his. I always want to say of course he is doing drugs and or drinking! He is an A.

I learned to love him, accept him as is. Up to him to drink, go to rehab, go to AA, go cold turkey whatever. NOT my business.

If I cannot take it, then I need to decide if I want to accept him as is or go or have him go.

We all want to be loved for who we are, what we are. Inspite of who we are.

What they do is none of our business. If they cross a boundary lets say cheating, we need to decide if we can live with that.

Or can you just accept he was abusing you in the car? We can make a boundary, I will be treated with respect, or I will call a cab. Or I will watch tv alone, eat alone whatever boundary they step over.

We are so sick at those times we for some reason accept it. This is NOT how most people want to live! In Al Anon if we work it, we get a wonderful thing that is called,"Clarity!

Hey no way will you yell at me, or mentally abuse me, lie to me.

NO way will I do your wash make dinner when someone does not treat me right!

Then ya wake up and see your eyebrows look like a racoon, there are cobwebs so thick you cannot see your open beam ceiling,omg my nightgown looks worse than a rag!

Clarity is like freedom, fresh air smelling the air full of ocean, mountain, flowers!

What made me not see that? Their dumb disease makes us so sick. THEIR disease.

So we have to use Al Anon tools to really look and learn about the situation we are in.

And we are here to be by your side! hugs,debilyn hoping whatever happened, you are feeling better. We cannot heal with stress hon!

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