The material presented
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I am trying so flipping hard to think and act in a positive manner, maybe it's because I am a newbie and just can't get some of the self help awareness down or maybe it's just the way I am going to be for awhile but GOD knows I need help.
My AH just sent a text that his poker game (a long ago habit that is poking it's ugly head out of the hole again) starts at 6:30 and he would be home between 8:30-9. That was not enough for me as the game is set in the back room of all places a BAR!! I asked if he was drinking too......stupid me!! And he said he just took the first sip out of a budweiser!!
I flipped out.......not a little but BIG TIME!
The moment I hung up on him I immediately sat on the floor and cried.....I mean wailed out loud!! I was MAD and myself for taking that road knowing it was only hurting me.
I am so flipping mad though that I just want to pack a bag and go stay at a motel, but I won't. I am so mad that because of his disease and it's affect on me I have NO friends to call or say "hey, lets go here or there" just to get away!
The last time I took off out of anger I drove over 400 miles South and went to the beach for 4 nights....alone! It was nice for the first day but then I was lonely and bored and realized leaving was not the answer as it solved nothing.
I just don't know what to do! I am tired of sitting home alone, I am tired of crying and I am tired of thinking while he is out having the time of his life.
Out of anger I almost sent an email to a State Trooper that lives like 2 minutes from me just for guidance and possible a go to when he is out drinking and driving.......I'm afraid too because if it goes the way I want it too I would be able to call him when my AH takes off in hopes he will catch him......however 1 more DWI and he goes to prison for minimum of 2 years........mandatory! I don't know what my intentions would be..fear, anger, love, or the safety of others.
Has anyone experienced this?
I tried looking in South Boston VA for a meeting as I am as close to there as I am to town here but guess what......Thursday nights at 8PM same as here.....UUUGGGHH!!!
Hon, I just sent you an email on your last post. Easy does it. If it's a long night it's going to be your choice it's a long night. :) It just is what it is, .. take a breath and HALT. Take some time and figure out what your motives are before acting on them.
P :) Sending lots of love and support :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Pushka, I got it and thank you. I do not want it to be a long night I mean I really don't!! I am just in a (I know what I am in store for) kind of phase and I am trying to settle down. I have never been one to go cause a scene wherever he is and that is not what I am going to do now! I'm so flipping tired!
First thing is first my friend take care of you and get some rest, just because he's up all night doesn't mean you need to be. This is me however as I started to recognize I was not going to beg, plead, bargin him home I realized I had to really stop acting out. I never chased the man down I did however call him endlessly and UGH .. I look back on that part of things and think where is my rewind button. LOL? I actually started turning off my cell phone and taking the house phone off the hook. Know what no matter what someone would get a hold of me in an emergency the kids were home and safe and I needed to get some sleep. Guess what, ... I don't know why this for me I was able to sleep for the night. I have to have my sleep or I am a cranky old thing in the AM. :) I was always better in the morning with sleep and facing the day and my AH. When I stopped calling him, I started to stop obsessing what would happen for some reason things did start to change. As you know I have had some not so fun things to deal with however in the long run it's been better.
BTW, it's called waiting for the other shoe to drop the unknown and it sucks bad. It's going to be what it's going to be, that's the worst part. The best part is putting the focus back on you. :)
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Michelle, you are not alone. There is an online chat room meeting at 9pm tonight. You can go on there if you can't get to a meeting. I know where you are at. I have been there. Try to go find a movie to watch maybe, or a great book to read and a bubble bath. He is going to drink or not, you have to figure out what you can do for you. I am thinking of you! Try to do something that makes you feel good, get busy. Read old posts on here, read literature, write in a journal. Coming here and responding to others helps me too... HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Man, I've been there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this tonight. It's not easy - I'm not so far down the road in my recovery that I don't remember exactly what it's like.
I know that in that situation, nothing I ever did worked. I could never really figure out whether to be angry that my exAH said he would be home and then was out waaay later, whether to be annoyed that he would never call and let me know, whether to be scared that he was in an accident, whether to think he went home with someone else, etc. I couldn't figure out how to feel - so I swung back and forth with all these things like a pendulum. I tried begging, pleading, crying, threatening, trying to be rational, assuring him I wouldn't get mad if he would only _______ and then getting mad anyway, etc. Basically, I spent a ton of energy and wasted a ton of time because it didn't change anything. He did whatever the heck he wanted regardless of whether I threw a fit or just went on with my business.
I didn't get recovery until after my exAH and I already separated. I, unfortunately, never had the benefit of learning anything useful in that situation. I did try 1000 ways that did not work.
Are there things you can do for you that you like to do? Like just going to see a movie or getting yummy dessert and watching a movie? No reason to sit there and obsess (although I remember I kinda got tunnel vision - once in that place, I'm not sure I could've gotten myself out. I discovered in my second marriage after I'd gotten some recovery that it was easier if I were pro-active and planned my evening out before the inevitable happened. That way, I wouldn't have to "take the first drink" of my own addiction, so to speak).
As someone who also recently bolted for several days, I'm sending you hugs. There's a song I've heard Etta James sing, called " Whatever Gets You Through the Night", and that might be a good listen for times like this. Well okay, in the song she talks about a bottle of wine too, but there's more to it than that.
Whatever gets you through the night. Movies, pedicure, phoning friends, going on alanon message boards ;) whatever works for you, to find moments and even hours of peace. Nice things for yourself.
Yes, I know what it is like and have been down that unhappy road also. That is part of the reason why I earned my seat in alanon. My life changed when I entered the rooms of alanon and began working the steps with a sponsor. There was so much love, peace, and support from the members there that understood my problems as few others could.
Lean on us for some support and space from the circular thoughts going on in the brain. The online meetings were key, another one was posting here, much like you did to help lighten the load.
I am tired of sitting home alone, I am tired of crying and I am tired of thinking while he is out having the time of his life.
How bout you don't do any of those things then? Alanon suggests we do the opposite of what we've always done. Utilize the opportunity of "choice". There's always something to do. Even if it's a walk in a park or down a country road.
I used to play photographer at different places to see what pictures I could get or take, or take my dog and let him explore. I've met new friends at the park too. Point being, you don't have to put yourself in a position of sitting alone and crying. Beginning the journey of discovering the small things that make you happy is much more fun.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You have every reason to be mad. I spent many a night raging about the ex A when I was home alone.
You are in the right place. Keep posting here, get a sponsor, start working the steps. Throw yourself into this program and soon the A's drinking or not drinking will not be your entire life.
