The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a new roommate who is gradually moving into the place next door to me. In the past my way of encountering others is to bond by giving of myself, giving too much, asking too much, wanting to be "friends" very quickly.
Being roommates in a shared household is a pretty intimate undertaking. There is nothing left to the imagination. You see people in the morning, during the night, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, know their hours, know their habits and more. I always rushed in to "know", to influence and to "gossip. Needless to say I have had plenty to say about my neighbors who have irritated, exhausted and often times exploited me over the time I've been here.
I've had to sit on feelings of wanting to rush in, know, influence, advise, take care of, become friends with and embrace this new person. I've wanted to find a "buddy" in the storm. Of course my other roommates could be "buddy's from time to time but given most of them have plenty of time on their hands that didn't last for long.
Giving up all the people pleasing, rushing in, wanting to control, influence, make better is a hard task. Sitting on my hands and saying and doing little is new for me. That's one reason being so busy is so helpful. If I didn't have to work so much I'd be in there moving him in, filling him in (on who is what and what they are not when any reasonable person could tell that right away). My roommates make stuff up about people, they make up their lives, they make up their battles and they make up what they do all day. I don't need to make anything up anymore I'm too busy trying to save my own life to do that. Nevertheless not rushing in is difficult. Letting go, letting it be, rather than wanting to excavate and find out everything is very new for me.
I guess I must have cast a great impression because the new roommate called me by the wrong name last night! I don't mind a bit but in the past in my excavating, doing more than, people pleasing mode I would have been devastated. I invested everything early and stood to lose everything so so quickly.
I love how you have identified the relationships within the disease of alcoholism The denial and Pretend factor of this disease is huge. It applies to the alcoholic and I know I too used denial of a situation and pretending everything was fine as a coping tool. It is a complete inability to deal with reality.
Thank God for alanon and the tools to face reality and grow and most importantly HAVE a Real LIFE
Giving up on people pleasing was a doozie for me also. I remind myself that I am a work in progress, that I don't have to impress people, just be happy with the choices and attitudes I put out into the world.
I am grateful for your post this morning. It was a reminder I needed to see.
Awesome! I used to try way too hard with new people in my small community and over time I have learned to wait and see, kind of like stop and think. I love your awareness! Keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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