Moms mothers dry me crazy sometimes! - Al-Anon Family Group

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Moms mothers dry me crazy sometimes!

Iamgood · Member

My mom is tricky too. This what happened to me with her this week and how I handled it. She broke her foot and was needing help with chores. She wanted me to help a lot, more than I wanted. She got angry and accused me of not caring about her and of not ever having cared about her.

No problem for me this time. I said no. I told her I could help on these certain things at these certain times, and no on the rest. She said to me - "you don't care about me, you are so cold and selfish, you always have been...." etc. I said, "I am helping to the extent I can - that is me showing caring. I am here now and this is what I can help with."

So my version was something like "I really care about you and no."

Iamgood · Member

I used to, and still sometimes do, use the the fact that I love my mom against myself - to convince myself that, well, if I loved her I would say yes to all of her requests/needs.

I confused saying no with declaring that I did not love or care for her.

There is a distinction though. A no is not a no to love.

My mom may not know this, she gets mad and thinks my saying no means I don't love her.

But I know I love her, even when I say no.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs HN,

I can't imagine if my mother wanted to be on the boards as well I know I wouldn't say what I wanted to or feel free about sharing. I tend to be extremely direct when dealing with her, so what I would say wouldn't be appropriate (I'm working on that one .. lol) for someone else to say to their loved one.

Good luck and hugs :) P :)

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand needing to attend meetings alone to be able to share honestly they say it is healthy for family memebers to go to seperate meetings. Have you explained to your mother that there are things that you would like to share and sometimes feel uncomfortable. I used to attend meetings with my best friend on the way home she would comment on my shares I felt she was focusing on my recovery rather than her own. I suggested seperate meetings she took this personal and stopped going to al anon. I am responsible for my recovery and I need to be honest or i will stay sick. Another option is meeting with other al anon memebers in private or private phone calls , do you have a sponsor.

take what you like and leave the rest xx

Doozy · Senior Member

Kathleen,

Wow! That would be really hard for me too. I think I would have a hard time if one of my parents wanted to join the board. I feel like, especially given how early I am in my recovery, I need some safe space of my own to work these things out with supportive encouragement and anonymity. It's hard to set those boundaries. They're different for everyone, and sometimes they do change with time. I struggle with that stuff too - for sure! I think only you can know what's truly right for you, and maybe taking some time to ask the question of your higher power could give some clarity about what to do or say.

Wishing you well Hoot Nanny!!

:) ~ Doozy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember we teach others how to treat us.

Mom I am an adult, I need my privacy. Then specifically tell her what that means. When I am on the computer, I want my privacy....

As far as meetings.again mom I need a meeting where I can have my privacy. So what night can you give up?

again for me, it works. Its sticky and hard, but that i ok.

Once my mother was trying to boss me about something, I think she thought she had that right becuz she helped me. i was a widow with two kids.

"I help you, then you go and get another dog!" I said then DON"T help me anymore!"(My dog had died, so of course I got another one!)

She respected me so much more after that and our relationship was stronger. maybe some mothers need for us to let them know we are adults, and choose to be treated like one.

Next thing I know she is at our house with boxes of I care packages..Including big knucle bones for my new Great Dane.I loved my mother so much.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you ever thought about having another log on ID, keeping Hoot Nanny, but use a psedonym in tandum? Perhaps you may find you can still have anonymity in that regard.

As frustrating as it seems, we just dont have control over dear old mom. Perhaps that idea may work for you.

Best,

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.