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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When does 'someday' become 'now'?
Post Info TOPIC: When does 'someday' become 'now'?
rara avis


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When does 'someday' become 'now'?
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Hey everybody,

  First, quick update: I have been to, and am looking for more alanon meetings, seeing a couselor, and reading literature. I'm also seeing friends, exercising, and making exciting decisions in my creative life. Basically I'm doing the best I can to focus on me. But, relationshipwise there is heartbreak and  I would like to hear if anyone here has been in a similiar situation? 

 The situation: I love my RA boyfriend dearly, and know he loves me. However, he is still maniacally focused on work, talking about work, talking about himself, etc..For several months now there has literally been no companionship, no intimacy, and no emotional support for me. I have asked several times and written a nice note saying how important it is for us to spend a little quality time together. I asked for one weekday night and one weekend day - named specific amounts to be clear. His response has been to tell me I'm impatient and to 'wait for the miracle.' This miracle at work has yet to be forthcoming and I'm wondering if this someday will ever become now.

 He tells me he is responsible for too much [ therefore making me responsible for making sure HIS cars are parked in non ticket zones here at home ]  yet I pay all the home bills but one. That he 'puts family first ' though I only see him for a few hours at night. Note: he does to a lot to help here, but he also has been rent free for 1.5 yrs!  He also says that once he gets back to meetings - which I'm all for! - I will have to be pushed aside. This puzzles me, as there is literally nowhere farther for me to be pushed . His best friend said I am not asking for too much and suggested I keep asking for my basic needs. 

 

 I can't imagine living without this man, but as it stands what we have  is love, not a relationship. I am wondering if someday ever becomes today, as my greatest fear is I end this relationship and my bf finally gets it together. He thinks this relationship is good, and I  cannot make him see the sinking ship that this relationship has become. We are headed for disaster.  I am lonely, sad, and demoralized but there seems to be no room for my RA to see that - he always turns it around to himself. 

 

 The rest of my life is good, but my heart is breaking.  Has anyone been in a similiar situation? Can someday become now? In a few months I will need to make a decision. Meanwhile it is very difficult. 

 Thank you all so much!! 

rara avis

 

 



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2nice4_2long


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((hugs)) rara

Your post reminds me of a saying passed around at my f2f:



"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

followed by the slogan "just for today".

I hope you can get some time to talk together.

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Debilyn


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It is up to each one of us how we want to live. It's hard for me to imagine living  off someone else even if we were married.

I don't want anyone controlling me like that. It seems really selfish of someone to say, hey I am going to do what I want/need ok? You just keep paying the bills and remember I won't be around much for YOUR needs.

I will manipulate you with, OH I love you. and oh wait for the miracle. Since when is love not a verb? It has to have action, it has to be nurtured and cared for. It's not a dead thing! When do you feel the love?

We get so sick and unaware of what is going on when we allow the disease to control us. We need Al Anon friends to say wait a minute, this is how it looks so ME and this is my experience.

Myself this would not fly for one more day. That is what mainly made my ex AH go to parasite off the person he is with. I am not a HOST to be  used and sucked dry. That is what this disease does.

Hey what if he had cancer, and said well after next years therapy I will have a miracle and be there with you. oh brother.

He has NO idea when or if he will get into a strong recovery program. It's all manipulation.

We do not use the ones we love. We should not use anyone. How can they respect us if we allow it?

This is my experience,looking from different eyes.  hugs hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
rara avis


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Thanks already, I should add that due to scheduling and a vet emergency [ dog is fine but I need to keep an eye on 'im ] I'm currently unable to go to a f2f. Really appreciate the online comments right now!

RA boyfriend thinks that love is yardwork and some other housework - which it IS, and I'm very grateful, but not at the exclusion of everything else!! I have not asked for those things. It's like beating my head against a wall. I will keep asking nicely and not flip out. Honestly, I feel like I'm on the Titanic, yelling, " ICEBERG! " and my RA is replying that everything is fine, we're unsinkable.

Going to spoil the injured dog now - THAT, I can control :)

You guys are awesome,
rara avis

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Doozy


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Just a quick note for you rara, to thank you for sharing and wish you strength. 

I love what Debilyn said - Since when is love not a verb? :) I can apply that in my life too, when I need some love as a verb put into action. I also really like your comparison with the Titanic and your yelling ICEBERG! while your boyfriend says everything is fine. I can identify with that as well. My (ex)BF said to me, "Well, I feel great!" just minutes after crying. Denial is a powerful thing. What are the words, cunning and baffling? So fitting. I said to him, "Well, that may be true, but I don't believe you." I got to a point where I had to get off the ship.

You're not alone and I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend.

~ Doozy



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Mattie


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One of the hardest things for me to learn in my two relationships with A's was to pay attention to the actions, not the words.  They could both be so convincing that I would be all excited and reassured waiting for the attention and change that was surely going to happen because it had been promised...  It took me a long time to see that the actions were the real relationship; the rest was just fantasy.

What I'm noticing about your description is that your boyfriend is saying, "It's going to happen, it will all be great, you just have to be patient..."  But his actions are saying that he's not making any changes.  And you're telling him, "I really need more attention, I need things to change."  But your actions are saying, "I'm hanging around no matter what."  Even if you were to say that you wouldn't keep hanging around unless his actions changed, he would look at your actions and not your words.  But of course we have to choose our actions based on what is really best for our own lives, not just to try to manipulate people into doing what we want.  (Been There Tried That!) 

The question I wish someone had asked me early on was, "If you knew that things were never going to be any different than they are now, what would you decide?"  Because all my time was waiting for things to be different.

Hugs.



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rara avis


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Good point Mattie, and yes I have been starting to hang around less. Not been easy, but progress! I feel I should wait another few months to be fair, give him a little more time to get on his feet - but meanwhile plan b i am thinking how to move him out should it come to that. It seems so duplicitous, but ai yi 'someday' doesn't mean 'never'!

As far as actions go, RA and I have made plans for dinner out tomorrow and some time together - his suggestion. In the same conversation he asked to borrow money from me to float his business, supposedly to be paid back 2 weeks from now. Talk about mixed feelings. Both actions-to-be have cancelled each other out!

Scratching my head over a diplomatic 'no' to the loaning money thing! [ In my mind I am screaming ' ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!' ] I don't want a scene. However last time I looked in the mirror I did not see a 'SUCKER' sign stamped to my forehead!! On the plus? side? I am laughing because floating the home bills and HIS work is asking so much from me it's ludicrous. Good grief. Better laughing than crying, arg.

Have a good night, everybody. hugs
rara avis



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tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

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What really helped me was working the 4th step with a Face to Face sponsor in alanon.  I was able to see how my resentments from today and years before directed/clouded my thinking and action in the present moment.   I was able to get a clarity as to what I wanted in my relationship with the AH and what was not welcomed.   I became stronger and was able to set loving boundaries for which my sponsor helped me with.  It is these loving boundaries that has strengthened my relationships today with my spouse, family and friends.

best, tommye



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Pushka


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Hugs,

It's a process and you have received so much great ESH. Keep working your program, what Tommy said struck me about seeing the "resentments from today and years ago that directed/clouded my thinking and action in the present moment." that really stands out. How we behave today is all about what we learned and did from yesterday.

We live in a fast food mentality, we want it now and we want it our way. We forget that the world doesn't have a big old "Burger King" that rotates in neon over it and our HP is not the head fry cooker. He's the order taker, the final out come is all of His own.

Hugs again P :)

PS - I used to joke that our house could be on fire I'd be screaming FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Running like a loon and my AH would have the hose outside turned on as the firetruck got here and say, oh it's all fine take care of the other people we've got this covered .. lol.  Of course our little hose was not going to put out the fire .. LOL!



-- Edited by Pushka on Sunday 31st of July 2011 07:42:49 AM

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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