Even the good situations are turned to crap. (rant) - Al-Anon Family Group

clep · Senior Member

Even the good situations are turned to crap. (rant)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep it simple clep...This is all his BS and you don't need to own it. Step 1: Powerless over people, places, and things (in addition to his alcoholism). Pray...turn to your higher power regarding this quagmire (step 2) and that may help you extract yourself from the insanity. Then...step 3...turn it over, let go, make a conscious decision to let your husband handle his own job choices and behavior and stop worrying about it. Figure out what you can do to make yourself happy today. Figure out if there is anything you can do directly to enhance your serenity.

Say no to drama!

I understand that after living with an active alcoholic for so many years, you get so used to high levels of drama that you literally start making chaos where it doesn't have to be there. Make the choice to bow out of this one as much as you can using tools you have picked up in Alanon.

P.S. Of course these are all just suggestions and I know it's easier said than done.

clep · Senior Member

I thought of those things. Grrr. I prayed and let it go. Then my phone rings in the middle of circle time. Now a group of three year olds are yelling at me to answer the phone. I get them back on track and we finish circle time. Now during craft time the same thing happens. They want to know why I don't answer the phone so I explain that I am busy with them and the person on the phone has to wait. Children can be obsessive about things and they are about the phone. I have heard about it all day. "You aren't answering the phone because you are playing with us right". "My mom answers the phone at home when it rings". The children are just being cute kids, however I still hear have the phone interrupting our day, or now hear about the phone.

I sent an email to the day care parents letting them know to use my cell as we will be outside. I was going to unplug the phone, but my sister who lives here has to use it. I have my cell as my primary phone so I can turn the ringer off and not be interrupted. Nothing worse than hanging out on the phone with a group of kids misbehaving as they do when the adult is on the phone.

The chaos with my day care and children is not created by me, it is real, it is a pain in the butt and I am tired of it.

The tools I have picked up in the program are very hard to impliment with multiple children to care for.

I guess the problem is I don't know how to bow out of it. I have a job to do and this makes my job difficult where it doesnt' have to be.

A now have a lack of acceptance. I no longer accept the chaos as the way I want to live. I am fed up with it now and the chaos has to go. How much he avoids puts lots of situations into chaos for him and he is terrible to live with during those times. I can pick it up or leave it alone. I don't pick it up and still have to deal with the crap he dishes out. I have a week off of work after today and I really need it. I can get to some day time meetings and that will be great.

Thanks for your words of wisdom even though I am having a hard time processing them right now. I will read the message again tomorrow and I am sure I will take more in than I am at this moment.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Clep, I have had a similar maddening situation when my son was staying ith me for a while. I had a house phone at the time. He wanted me to stall off his calls from friends and associates when he wanted to avoid them---or say he wasnt there, etc.

I told him that if he didn't take the calls when they came in that I would tell the caller the exact truth. If he didn't want me telling the truth---then he could take the calls and tell them whatever he wanted.

Needless to say, he was furious after I told a few people that he was there but he was avoiding them. H started answering the phone very grudgingly--and very angry at me. I pretended that I didn't notice his mutterings of anger.

a different style, I know. But it DID get the job done.

It is shocking to what extent they will go to shove responsibility. Especially, since as a child he was raised with very strict policy about being honest!!!!

Just thought I would share.

Sincerely, Otie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Why don't you just block his number? Or possibly say, he will have to call you, I work at home and need to keep my phone free.

yes the A's never cease to cause havok eh? hugs,deb

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Is there an outlet in another room? unplug this one and put a phone in the other room for sis. Or get a honkin long cord, put phone in another room...

Get voice mail and have it go straight to that. Then ya don't have to unplug or anything....

better yet,make a voice message that says, if you are trying to get ahold of my husband, he is at his new job......

well? I know i am being a brat....hugs

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Just a thought ... they say it's enabling when we cover for them. Like if they get drunk and pass out and their boss calls up and we say, "Well, he's indisposed right now, he's sick, please excuse him," that's enabling, as I understand it. It shelters him from the consequences of his actions. It seems to me that you're being put to a lot of trouble and hassle to give him the opportunity to tell his boss he has another job in his own sweet time. In effect, you're going to a lot of trouble to keep his secret for him.

So it wouldn't be enabling, in my first example, to say, "He's passed out drunk right now, you'll have to talk to him another time." And I'm kind of thinking it wouldn't be enabling to answer that phone that's ringing off the hook and say, "I think he took another job, please talk to him about it separately, don't call this number any more." Because you shouldn't have to be tiptoeing around changing your schedule and dealing with confused children and worrying about phones just so he can keep his dysfunctional secret safe. That could also be sheltering him from the consequences. You need your phone not to be ringing off the hook and that's the truth.

Anyway that's my thought -- it might not apply, so take what works and leave the rest.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Clep,

In recovery I have learned to step out of the triangle. It is not my job to smooth over the rough spots for those that have created an eruption in their own lives. That is part of the grace of taking our hands off others giving them the dignity to suffer their own consequences.

Keep the focus on yourself, first things first, this too shall pass......

xoxo

tommye

clep · Senior Member

Mattie that is exactly how I have felt. I have been angry about it and his expectation that I do so. I fell into the trap about the consequences of doing such a thing. This has all come about over the course of two days. I am sure I would hear "It has only been a couple of days".

In that couple of days though I heard three different reason of why he couldn't tell his boss the truth. It was initially because he wanted to be sure he actually had the job and that it woud work out, but that quickly turned into reasonings having to do with guilt and fear.

I thought of just telling the boss that he has to phone my A on his cell as I do not like the phone ringing as I am working with the children. Then I could have avoided the issue all together.

My A did finally tell the boss the truth later the day I wrote this post. Thank god.

The situation with my A and his avoiding are not getting better, nor are they going to unless he gets back into recovery. I have lost patience with having to work so hard to avoid arguements, think about everything I say and do and put so much energy into what to say and do to protect myself from poor situations.

Here I am trying to keep the relationship together in hopes of who he might become one day, not who he is today. As clearly seen, I am getting tired of it.

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