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My AH is not drinking, (or at least not muchor around me) but we have been through so much water under the bridge and fighting that it is hard right now to even talk to each other. I am trying hard to not want to control him but I don't feel like being sweet or giving just yet. I am hurt and when I do talk to him he seems to be condesending, short answers with a "why the heck do you want to know" attitude. He's always acted like I have no right to question him on anything and it's only gotten worse. That's probably because of the constant questioning that I did when he was drinking and I was trying to keep a lid on him and everything. Anyway, I find it so hard now to just talk about anything with him. I feel like crying everytime we have a conversation, like I am being rejected. I don't know if it is just the hurt, the feeling of loss for our relationship or what. And it is so hard to not say - gee I wish you just weren't even in my life right now! I have to see him, we live together. I guess I don't really have a question, other than how do you get past feeling like they have moved on and you haven't. He may just be being defensive but it feels like rejection anyway.
WOW can I relate to this post. I know I read on here somewhere not that long ago that if someone wanted to be treated with "fill in the blank" they had to first put that out there and treat others that way. I had so much anger and resentment over where my life has been at I missed seeing the good things in my own life. They have always been there I just haven't noticed them. Now it's the simple things that are going on that work for me so much better. I can see something and take wonder and awe away from it verses being so caught up in my own pain I miss out.
My AH is not drinking and something I have learned in the program that is so true for me, I started to see where I had slacked off in kindness to all, including myself (I have a duty to treat myself with kindness, if I don't think I matter who will?) as well as the compassion aspect of things. I had shut him out by not taking any kind of interest in things he wanted to share with me. At the same time I expected him to be engaged in what I wanted from him. I feel really bad about that too. It was simple things nothing huge, I hurt him a lot with shutting him down the way I did.
I started small as weird as this will sound, I started complimenting him about things I do like and appreciate about him. These are things I wasn't making up (I don't do fake, it either is or it isn't I don't see much in the middle on that kind of deal. I sound fake when I do that .. lol) they are truly things I appreciate about him. As I started to thank him for the little things, I started to see more things that I really liked about him. I started to make an effort in respecting what he enjoyed. My A is a gardener, a very novice one (at the same time very talented .. this year instead of a tomato bush I have a tomato something .. lol .. we laugh about it now) however he truly enjoys the outside. He revels in it. I started making an effort to take an interest because it was important to him. Without his outside work he would be completely without interests, he used to workout as well and stopped doing that, some of that was attached to last years craziness. In turn little things started to change, he started to want to talk to me and seeking me out to have conversations nothing huge it was a step. I accepted that he couldn't give me certain things emotionally and maybe he never will. That part is still hard because we are married at least when we talk to each other it's uplifting and not hurtful and hateful. I did not realize how hurtful I had been and even though my anger was more than justified, he is already hurting and he carries his own stuff. I'm a better person than to add to his pain and I don't feel the need to live there anymore.
The biggest favor I did for myself is to stop taking everything personally, he is a whole separate person from me and he has his own stuff to deal with, people aren't perfect they aren't even close and I sure am not either.
Be easy on yourself, you are a work in progress doing the best that you can given the tools you have. It does get better it takes time and effort.
Sending love and support your way, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
For me, I spent my whole life deciding how I felt based upon someone else's actions or behaviors. There's a saying in Alanon about how we take the alcoholic's temperature to decide how we feel. :)
When I got busy with my own recovery, I started to be able to stop taking actions and words so personally. I started visualizing my AH with a big "SSS" on his forehead - for Sick, Sick, Sick. His words didn't have any independent power to MAKE me feel any particular way...I had the choice about that. If I took the attitude that his words weren't gospel and I didn't need to live and die by what he thought, I felt happier.
This is a process, and doesn't happen overnight. For me, reminding myself, when I feel small and insignificant, that feelings aren't facts, and just because someone else is in a bad mood does not mean that I have to be, helped tremendously. My AH is just a person like everyone else. He doesn't get to determine how I feel about myself.
Pushka and White Rabbit - thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It is so true- I let his mood effect Who I Believe I am. And Puska you are right, I haven't been compassionate or supportive with him. I think my major problem is that I have yet to believe it is a disease to the point that I excuse his behavior. I still see it as a choice he made AGAINST me and my wishes. I am working on that and if I can get past that, I bet I will be more willing to give in our relationship. In the meantime, I'm really going to try to either be silent or be supportive and remember the little sayings and tricks for seeing them differently. I do regret the hurt I have caused him and need to recognize we are both only human. Thank you again.
I just want to clarify something ... a little off topic for the original post, but just to be clear. I don't feel like by accepting that alcoholism is a disease, I really "excuse" my A's behavior - I just accept that it is HIS behavior, whether I like it or not. I don't believe that having a disease provides justification for treating anyone else badly, and I still won't tolerate behavior that crosses a boundary I have set. For example, if someone is drunk and verbally abusive, I don't just sit there and say, "oh well, she's drunk," and take it. No excusing bad behavior - we just put the responsibility for the bad behavior on the other person, and then set and enforce boundaries to protect ourselves.
I had a hard time accepting that alcoholism was actually a disease at first. My whole life I thought it was a choice. It seems like it's a choice. That's because to me, alcohol IS a choice ... I can have one, or not, and I wouldn't care much if I never had another drink. I have a choice because fortunately, I'm not an alcoholic. But I watched my exAH lose everything, one thing at a time ... his business that he built from the ground up, his money, his freedom from time to time when he went to jail for alcohol-related dumb stuff, his marriage, multiple apartments, multiple vehicles, etc. I watched him lose all those thing, and shook my head and thought, "Dude. Why don't you get it? You keep drinking and getting in trouble! Why don't you just stop!??" I just didn't get it. I didn't get it because I was trying to understand what he was doing based upon MY experience ... where I can have one drink and that's it. I haven't ever had a physical craving for alcohol. Eventually, it occurred to me that my thoughts were RATIONAL. They were logical. Rational and logical people don't do stuff when they know that if they do, they may go to jail or die. Rational and logical people make the choice NOT to do things that cause them to lose their families, money, and livelihood.
Alcoholism is not rational or logical. In the face of horrible consequences, A's keep drinking. This solidifies it for me.
I can relate to what you shared. For me what I had to do was to begin to focus on myself and my recovery program. I felt the need to build a life that I wanted. Whether or not the alcoholic joined me was unimportant because I was in so much pain, I was convinced I had to do something different.
So, going to meetings and working with a face to face sponsor beginning that journey and discovery of myself was and is a work in progress. Alanon has helped me with perpective. Just because my qualifier has a bad attitude doesnt mean I have to. Just because I am having a bad day, doesn't mean I am having a bad life. For me acceptance is a byproduct of accepting the AH for who they are, an alcoholic. Also, accepting that I had a part in where I am today emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally.
When I keep the focus on myself discovering what I like to do and where I will spend my energy and time, I lose interest in the need to control others or investigate their behavior. Their baggage is their stuff. Alanon has taught me that my job is to keep my side of the street clean and to learn how to live one day at a time.
((((oldgal))))) Aloha...I don't deal with them very well at all if I'm trying without program and HP. When I'm trying it by myself without the tools of the program I suck at it. Bleah!! When I take the time to not react and to practice patience and listening and thinking and accepting help from others in recovery I do much much better.
I understand the feeling. Had same feelings and emotions for years. Today, I guard my heart and choose my battles. What the alcoholic does isn't much about me. It is more about how he feels about himself and low self-esteem and insecurities, etc. The list goes on and on. I've set boundaries and stick to them. Keeping the focus on me helps so much. Keep coming back! Hawaii
