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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Arrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!! Vent
Post Info TOPIC: Arrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!! Vent
surfingmaestro


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Arrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!! Vent
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When I am calm I am so able to work a solid program but when the attack comes from my A wife in recovery I am at a loss to hang on to what program says to do.

 

Here's what happened:

My wife was getting ready to leave for her AA meeting and she said she needed to talk to me about our plans for the next day.  I closed my laptop where I was logging in my food and fitness journal and listened.  We are having her mother over this weekend and whenever there is anything to do with either of her parents there is tension.  I am aware and I usually don't take it personally.  When she was finished, she kissed me on the cheeck goodbye and I proceeded to reopen my laptop and continued entering information into my food and fitness journal.  The attack started there.  She told me that all I seem to care about is my fitness and my alanon program.  She then proceeded to tell me that I spend too much time on this website, Miracles in Progress, and that I have a morbid obsession with other peoples' problems.  She then went on to ask me if my sponsor knows how much time I spend reading about other peoples problems.  It went on and on and then she left.  I was really good about not saying anything.

A little background, my wife needs to attend meetings a lot. I am a teacher, off for the summer, and we have two kids.  My whole existence this summer has been keeeping my kids busy and attending alanon meetings and working my program as much as I can.  Recently I've had some nice evenings out with my wife, attended concerts, movies, walks, etc.  My wife hasn't been around much, she's taking classes and going to lots of meetings.  I don't have much of an adult social life right now other than my alanon meetings and talking with neighbors now and then.  I'm ok with this for now.  

Later that night she came home from her meeting and said she was sorry for asking if my sponsor knew about my computer use.  From there she went to try and explain her behavior which ended up being a whole lot more of why my behavior makes her do the things she does.  This is where I screwed up.  I should have remembered not to justify, argue, defend, or engage but I did.  I never got angry, but I said that the MIP website is good for me and helps me to "get a meeting" on the days I can't go to a meeting.  I said that getting in shape and eating right are part of my program of recovery and then I said that I am pretty lonely for adult conversation because I'm with my kids all day.  She went on to say that I shouldn't need a meeting everyday or need a site like MIP because I didn't have a drinking problem or addictions.  I responded with something along the lines of "You aren't the only one with problems that require a program of recovery and I am working mine as best I can given the situation." She then yelled something about her being quite aware that I have problems and then she walked out and slammed the door to the bedroom. I stayed there and decided to go to bed.

 

This morning she was quiet and but kissed me on the cheek and rubbed my back and she headed out.  I know, In looking back I could have done a lot worse and i used to do a lot worse in defending and justifying my behavior when attcked.  What I would have prefered to have said to my wife  instead of justifying and defending my behavior was simply "Maybe you should talk about your ideas about me and my problems with your sponsor."  Instead I defended myself, explained myself, justified myself.  I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my side of the street clean lately and there was no need for me to do any of this defense of my behavior.  Oh well, progress, not perfection.  



-- Edited by surfingmaestro on Friday 29th of July 2011 12:16:46 PM

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Pushka


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Hugs SM,

Know what sometimes we mess up, you have awareness and that's a lot more than many people can say. All we can do is know we messed up and try again the next time because there will be a next time as life happens. Way to work your program and just keep up the good work. :) Like you said progress not perfection, none of us are perfect. :)

Hugs again P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Crazy Frog


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Surfingmaestro,

Try not to beat yourself up. You are doing great, as you said progress not perfection. You keep working your program, staying fit, enjoying your kids,  posting here, reaching out. It works and you are worth it. :)



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oldgraduate


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Surfingmaestro - you sound like a pro to me. You are doing all the right things to make yourself well and your life more manageable. I wish I was as far along as you, so don't feel bad a all. My AH often finds fault with my use of the computer..ie. "logging my food and exercise is because I'm vain" (his words), wanting to go to concerts with girlfriends is "just another example of me not having an identity and having to do what they want to do". I don't think he's ever approved of my friends and so I ended up not having any for years. It is amazing the garbage we put up with from our loved ones and the things we believe when they say it. I am not sure yet, but I have to think that the comments are coming from a place of insecurity, or from the disease when my AH and your wife say things and start an arguement like that. I've been told that needed too much couselling, will never be better, wont' be happy unless I'm unhappy, and even that I can't be on anti-depressants. Maybe someone who has more knowledge can clear this up for me - is this normal dialogue from an alcoholic? Where does this come from? Often I hear them during a heated argument kind of on the sly and I remember it later and think- wow that is so far from reality.

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Jerry F


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((((Surfing))))smile  Newbies in recovery....Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!

Both of you are doing the best you can with what you have...good job it never has been or will be perfect and what will help is learning about not taking "it" (yourself, herself, themselves) sooooo seriously.  Keeping a healthy perspective (you're trying and so is she...I can tell) about where you are standing at the moment is important and understanding that progress, not perfection, takes practice, practice, practice is also very important.  Mix in tolerance, patience, understanding and compassion plus the other gifts of recovery will make the hills and valleys alot more level. 

Of course HP, God as you understand God, Always cause when you and then she tries to do this all by yourselves it doesn't come out good or even smart.

She came back from speaking with her sponsor with some Good ESH and still fell into the well and inspite of what you learned you threw yourself into the well too.  That is to be expected.   Be grateful for her amends and back rub (ask her for another later...Pleeeze...it's apart of taking care of yourself"  Now take care of your part...make amends to Surfing for not being perfect and right on top of it all the time in and with an alcoholic.  If you keep thinking you "coulda, shoulda, woulda" you're living in fantasy and leaving God out of management.  Make amends to your wife if you did anything (honestly) that caused her hurt that was none of your business.

Get a sponsor if you don't already have one.

Alcoholism is cunning powerful and baffling and I learned how to think and say to myself after I thought I lost another round..."Jerry F...you just got had by it again. Stop fighting."

Keep coming back it will get better.  Prayers out to you and your newbie alcoholic too.

((((hugs)))) smile



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Debilyn


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My first thought was insanity. It's all insanity. The disease is still trying to draw you in.

Myself I would say at the beginning, you might be right then leave the room. There is NO reason to take and listen to that mental abuse. When someone says you this or you that, to me it is abuse.

If we take it, we are telling them it is OK to take our inventory. Myself I would not put up with it. Never really did as I did not grow up like that.

BUT I was sick in other ways from the disease.

It is up to YOU to teach others how to treat you. I stand up for myself and say, hey I deserve to be treated with respect! I consider myself my own best friend, after my HP the creator.

I wouldn't allow anyone to talk to my guinea pigs like that! To me it is pure evil= the disease!

hey you are doing great so far! You are realizing what is happening and not responding. Hey I invite you to think about what is making you listen to all that bolony!

In the long run most people will respect you more if you don't take anyones abuse.

Hugs! debilyn who learned to protect herself too!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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tommyecat


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I keenly remember a moment in my kitchen when I was in my first year of recovery and my spouse started in on me like yours did.  I stayed quiet and watched the ranting and raving occur.  Suddenly an intuitive thought popped into my head that said " that is not your stuff, that is his stuff" and felt like I was free from the tornado sucking me in. 

I know it is hard.  Whether or not a spouse is in recovery, those moments can still erupt.  I think you did an excellent job of keeping your side of the street clean.  We cannot adhere perfectly to these spiritual principals.  Progress not perfection my friend.  Easy does it, you are doing great!



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