The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am new here, I found this website a couple of days ago and been doing a lot of reading. I didnt realize there are so many people out there that are living my life! I will start by giving a description about my life. I have been with my AGF for 12 years and I knew she drank; I drank too but very little. I guess I should also let you know that I am codependent and thats making this relationship even more hard to leave or even live with. The first couple of years we were very close, we could talk about anything. Now we hardly talk at all when she is sober which is not very often. She drinks every night about 12 beers or so, and its the same thing every night, she starts out being nice and how much she loves me and she cant live without me and then it turns into anger and then its how much she hates me and I make her life miserable and how unhappy I make her and that she is going to move out and find someone else plus Im called every name in the book. At first I would argue with her and we would get into some really big fights and she would call someone to pick her up and I would be there hysterically crying and worried about her, what she was doing, if she was ok and I know that sound crazy but its like my whole life is centered around her and her feeling. Its like I dont exist anymore. Things were ok at first but about four years ago her father got diagnosed with cancer and everything just changed. We have not slept in the same bed for over 2 years now and its always my fault! She drinks every night and I always go to bed at 10 and she stays up until 2 or 3 so really how do you have a relationship like that, and when she would come to bed she would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything from somethings wrong with me cause I dont want to have relations with her to how unhappy she is with me and then it turns into how sad she is cause of her dad. I finally told her to sleep in the other room at night cause I have to work and need my sleep, so she would and now we are like roommates instead of a couple. The next day she never remembers anything she has said to me and I just leave it alone just to avoid another fight. Her dad died about a month ago and now thing are even worse, she drinks more, and she cries every night, I want to help her get through this hard time but it just keeps getting worse, she has so much anger in her and lets all of it out on me, I try not to say anything to her when she is drunk cause I know it always makes thing worse, but then I fell like Im going crazy. Sunday she took off at 4 in the morning walking, I woke up at 645 to go to work and she was gone, I panicked, horrible thoughts went through my head, what if she killed herself what if she got picked up, I really thought I was going to have a heart attack. Finally she called me and she was clear across town at a friends house, she was so drunk she could barely talk, I went to pick her up and she was fighting with me all the way home, all I could do was pray she would just pass out so I could go to work. I really cant take much more. My health is not good, I am 40 years old and I am totally lost. I do still love her very much and I know she loves me but I think the IN love is gone for both of us, I think she is with me only because she needs me, no one wants her to live with them cause of her drinking. Well thats the just of it, sorry for almost writing a book.
Thank you for responding,I'm glad I'm not alone here,I know what I need to do but it's like I have so many emotions going on in me, scared is the main one. I feel like I have to help her get through this hard time and when I try to be strong and confront her, it's like I get the silent treatment or the you dont know what Im going thru you still have your dad thrown in my face and then I feel horrible for her again. Now that the weekend is coming, I am like on pins and needles just wondering whats going to happen. I plan on going to a meeting on sat,but am very nervous about it, I dont want her to find out cause that will cause a big fight.I pretty much only have my sis to talk to , I've lost all my friend since we have met and she always thinks Im doing something wrong when I try to make friend so I just don't. Is that wrong?I know it is!!!!
You are so in the right place!! You are not alone and as it's been mentioned already a f2f meeting will really help take a load off of your shoulders. There are so many wise and wonderful people here on the MIP boards. Keep coming back, reading and sharing, it really makes a huge difference.
Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
HI and welcome here. I will share with you what I have done to start feeling better: I go to face to face meetings, I LISTEN when I am there at alanon, I share when I am moved to, and I read as much literature as I can. I come here and read and post. I got a real time face to face sponsor. I call her when I need to/want to/whatever. She listens, she helps and I am on step 1-3 right now. We are totally powerless over alcohol. Alcohol has power over the alcoholic, thats what my sponsor said. We can't Cure it, Control it and we didn't cause them to drink. It is not our fault. Its a disease. Alanon is for you to begin to feel better, and its all about you. When we first come here, we talk a lot about the A in our lives. Eventually we begin to talk about ourselves. Get to a meeting, go at least 6 times in a row before you decide if its for you or not... The thing is, this program is slow, but we are all in the progress of healing. And we have to learn to take care of ourselves. I came here on my knees a few months ago, it took me coming back here for the second time after leaving the first time to realize I really needed this group and my face to face meetings. Keep coming, it works when you work it and you are worth it!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
You have gotten many wonderful suggestions. I can completely relate to how you fell as I have been down that road before too. I don't have much to add, but I wanted to introduce myself and welcome you here in the hopes that you will continue to share from your heart.
Thank You everyone for all your wonderful suggestions, just reading all your comments has helped me feel so much better, I was suppose to go to a meeting Saturday but , I just couldn't get away. I dont want her to know Im going cause it would cause so many more problems, and I'm so tired of fighting with her so for now I just want to keep it a secrete.I will continue reading and find out the next meeting time so I can make it. I'm glad I found this website everyone seems to be wonderful and so caring.
The disease of alcoholism is so very painful for the alcoholic and everyone connected to them . Meetings helped me brake the isolatiuon, gave me like minded friends who would support me with constructive tools. This enabled me to live with the disease without being caught up in the destructive behavior.
Alanon gave me Faith to replace my Fear, Serenity to replace the Chaos, and Courage to live my life and continue to love one day at a time.
If you cannot get to Face to Face meetings we have two on line meetings here each day and reading the Board does provide some wonderful relief and support.
Please come back taking care of yourself is the best you can do for everyone.
Hi, I am new here, I found this website a couple of days ago and been doing a lot of reading. I didnt realize there are so many people out there that are living my life! I will start by giving a description about my life. I have been with my AGF for 12 years and I knew she drank; I drank too but very little. I guess I should also let you know that I am codependent and thats making this relationship even more hard to leave or even live with. The first couple of years we were very close, we could talk about anything. Now we hardly talk at all when she is sober which is not very often. She drinks every night about 12 beers or so, and its the same thing every night, she starts out being nice and how much she loves me and she cant live without me and then it turns into anger and then its how much she hates me and I make her life miserable and how unhappy I make her and that she is going to move out and find someone else plus Im called every name in the book. At first I would argue with her and we would get into some really big fights and she would call someone to pick her up and I would be there hysterically crying and worried about her, what she was doing, if she was ok and I know that sound crazy but its like my whole life is centered around her and her feeling. Its like I dont exist anymore. Things were ok at first but about four years ago her father got diagnosed with cancer and everything just changed. We have not slept in the same bed for over 2 years now and its always my fault! She drinks every night and I always go to bed at 10 and she stays up until 2 or 3 so really how do you have a relationship like that, and when she would come to bed she would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything from somethings wrong with me cause I dont want to have relations with her to how unhappy she is with me and then it turns into how sad she is cause of her dad. I finally told her to sleep in the other room at night cause I have to work and need my sleep, so she would and now we are like roommates instead of a couple. The next day she never remembers anything she has said to me and I just leave it alone just to avoid another fight. Her dad died about a month ago and now thing are even worse, she drinks more, and she cries every night, I want to help her get through this hard time but it just keeps getting worse, she has so much anger in her and lets all of it out on me, I try not to say anything to her when she is drunk cause I know it always makes thing worse, but then I fell like Im going crazy. Sunday she took off at 4 in the morning walking, I woke up at 645 to go to work and she was gone, I panicked, horrible thoughts went through my head, what if she killed herself what if she got picked up, I really thought I was going to have a heart attack. Finally she called me and she was clear across town at a friends house, she was so drunk she could barely talk, I went to pick her up and she was fighting with me all the way home, all I could do was pray she would just pass out so I could go to work. I really cant take much more. My health is not good, I am 40 years old and I am totally lost. I do still love her very much and I know she loves me but I think the IN love is gone for both of us, I think she is with me only because she needs me, no one wants her to live with them cause of her drinking. Well thats the just of it, sorry for almost writing a book.