This is a place I knew I needed to revisit. I came here several months ago, shortly after we lost our youngest son to suicide. At that time my husband had once again begun the random pattern of sporadic drinking.

At that point, my husband returned to counseling and I found a counselor of my own, but we did not go to joint counseling. He also began to attend AA meetings on almost all off-work days (he's a firefighter, work days are not an option) and to go to the gym on off days as well. It seemed that he was feeling better. I found myself thinking and saying that he seemed more emotionally and physically healthy than he had been since the early days of our marriage. Pretty exciting stuff for a couple that's been married almost 29 years.

But last week he began drinking again. He doesn't drink and get ugly. He's a nice guy. The truth is that most people are not aware that he's drinking, but after all of these years I do know. When I asked him he denied it. I simply walked away and went to lie down to try to get rid of a migraine that had come on.

When I got up a few hours later I have to admit to a few moments of panic. I couldn't find him in the house and for a moment truly feared that he might have taken his own life. Years ago he used to threaten that and after losing my 23 year old, it's not something that I take lightly. Thankfully, I was panicking needlessly, he was simply napping in the back yard.

The next day he admitted he had been drinking, told me he bought and downed a 6 pack of beer. The conversation continued over the next 2 days or so. He said he would be returning to AA, call his counselor, etc.

This morning, with one of our other sons in town and staying with us, I saw it again. I strongly suspected more drinking. After our son left I asked him and he admitted it. This is unusual, he generally denies at first. He went on to tell me that he still had vodka left from last time and so drank some of that. Okay, this tells me that he continued to lie to me last week when he told me it was a 6 pack of beer... It doesn't matter. The lies continue.

There are so many things happening in our life that my head is spinning. As I said, we lost our 23 year old son to suicide last December, we will never know why. Our eldest son and his wife told us less than 2 weeks ago that they are expecting their first child, oh yeah, they are also moving from Texas to Virginia and all of this needs to happen within the next 3 weeks. My husband has been seriously considering retiring from his job. That means the house we live in needs to be cleaned and cleared out and put up for sale. If he retires, it means leaving the city we live in, I am self-employed and my business has taken as serious a financial hit as possible after the loss of our son. It is only now beginning to rebuild ever so slightly. Can you say overload?

As I said, I'm spinning. This is a good man. He is kind, generous and thoughtful. But I suspect that he is also depressed and being a functioning alcoholic is not helping that situation.

We were on the brink of couples counseling when we lost our son in December. I admit that recently it was feeling like we finally had both oars in the water again. Our other 2 sons while still over-protective of us from afar (neither lives in our state) are resuming and progressing with their lives. My husband and I have been doing more together and communication seemed to be improving. The trust and intimacy had not returned, but seemed to be progressing and improving little by little.

And now this. I will once again call a counselor tomorrow. I will also see if I can find a face to face al-anon meeting in my area. To be honest, part of me feels like it's time to get a divorce and begin to live my life as a single 50 year old woman. The other part of me is terrified of that. I'm strong, but I've raised our sons and am not financially independent. Plus the not incidental fact that I happen to love this flawed man.

Thanks. I guess I just need to share where it would be understood. I will be fine and I know it. I am strong. I will continue to turn this issue over to my Creator and tomorrow will unfold just as it should.

Namaste,

Sandy