Flirt - Al-Anon Family Group

KLotus · Senior Member

Flirt

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

KLotus,

I know when my XAH flirted it was because he was under the influence, he would only flirt when he was drunk, when he was sober, he never even looked into the other direction of a woman.

My X did cheat on me. I dont think I can give you anymore help on that subject, because A;s are confusing and you will never figure them out. Best not even to try.

What is the purpose of him having lunch and being in touch with an old girlfriend? Its ok for you to have
boundaries Lotus and ok to implement them.

Most importantly, keep coming back.

Hugs, Bettina

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people just justify it as "having fun" without consideration for other's feelings. That is what we describe as the self-centeredness of alcoholism. It's risky and potentially very destructive of everything set up for sobriety including recognition of and acceptance of and a relationship with HP. It's about talking a program and not walking it. I've had to work extra dilligently on that subject myself expecially regarding the issues of boundaries. It was part of my 4th step thru 9th step work. Being honest with it for me is about "to thine own self be true" and "I am responsible".

Short title...great post!! Thanks. smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Since we cannot change anyone but ourselves, I would say in my experience, either accept him as is, or not then decide if you want to stay or go.

Myself I find it very rude, uncaring, disrespectful and dangerous. Stuff doesn't just happen all of a sudden, ya play around then it gets seriously out of control.

Honey it is totally up to you. I invite you to listen to your head and heart. YOu will know when ya do.

Hugs,debilyn

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I can only share my experience.

Alcoholics are very insecure and hate themselves for what they are doing if they gain attention this helps their ego.

I know my partner was unfaithful while drinking and he punished himself when he got into recovery this was one of the things he regreted the most. I trust my partner when he is sober but not when actively drinking half of the time he does not know where he is let alone what he is doing. If when sober he was meeting with an ex I would find this unacceptable but we all have to decide what is and isnt acceptable. It says in courage to change that one of the things we need to acept is that we can not trust the person we love when the disease is active today i am trying to live in reality so I can protect myself but sometimes my blaket of denial is more comfortable hugs take what you like and leave the rest.

KLotus · Senior Member

Thanks you guys. :) Very valid points, always good support.

I remember thinking that it was comfortable for him, an ego boost likely. He also (I believe) wanted this particular ex to think his life was going well - she was very manipulative of him and made him feel badly about himself when they were in a relationship (from what I have gathered). No matter - according to what he and I had agreed upon/understood, it was a serious boundary violation, and he knew it - perhaps forgot at the time (I had just left, he was in crisis and sick), or perhaps could not control the impulse. I think he was lonely and scared when I left - it seems like he took any invitation to meet or flirt with whomever offered. I find myself being hurt more easily by those things - whereas when he was drinking I could overlook them, and actually feel a bit more confident because he was working harder at being more aware. Strange.

I have to remember that I don't deserve that. I deserve mutual respect and love in my marriage, even if I'm not getting it. That's a tough one. It's tiring being expected to be the "healthier" one, the stronger one, who holds everything together. As the marriage counselor just told me "you are doing too much, you can't be the only one to do it all."

Many blessings to all of you.

KLotus

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Klotus. I had a great counselor right after I hit my bottom and I told her I felt like I was carrying his carcass for the last 15 years and she said because I was. It helped me to stop killing myself and trying to drag my A where I wanted him to go. I realized I am my own person with my own wants and dreams. The more I have let go and just worried about me the better I feel inside. They are A's and have SSS sick sick sick on their foreheads and I drove myself crazy asking the why's for a long time. Now I don't and sanity and serinity have settled in. It feels better to Let Go and Let God for me. Sending blessings to you! Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No more" Melody Beattie? Keep up the good work!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.