"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Unconditional Love.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina wrote:
You hear that phrase a lot , "Unconditional Love". My daughter and I were having a discussion about it. I told her you need to be a parent to really feel it. My daughter and I were not reunited until she was 25, although I was in her life the first 6 1/2 years. We went thru some difficult times. I never gave up. Unconditional love, but dont know what I would have done if she was an addicted child. Or try loving an alcoholic spouse, very difficult.
What is unconditional love??? What does it mean to you and how does it fit in with your Alanon program????

Luv, Bettina

freeagain · Veteran Member

I didn't really understand unconditional love until I got into the program. To me, it is the non judgemental, all encompassing, never looked down on or discouraged or shamed because of my choices love that I have found in meetings. Just loved thru every stage.

I can't even say I was giving this to my kids. I was very judgemental of them and their choices and controlling their behaviors. Rather than loving them for exactly who they are at any given moment.

Since experiencing unconditional love thru my meetings I have been able to GIVE unconditional love to my kids and other people in my life. To me, it is the difference between real love and manipulation. All I knew before the program was manipulation. Now I know real love. It's a big deal!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Bettina...I relate to "freeagains" share cause it's close to how I got it. My definition of Love was given to me by an Al-Anon member one night when she shared how she loved her alcoholic which messed with my belief and understanding system back then. Here is what she told me and this is what I follow today. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are."

Notice it doesn't contain the word love or the word alcoholic or special person in it.

Great thread ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

1st Corinthians 13:4-8.

When AH really turned ugly, i realized it was ok to love him. But I could not be around him.

I miss the man he was so much. I have no bitterness or blame or anything. If I love someone, it never goes away. When I read this scripture, it made me so happy to know that was how I felt and feel

Hugs, good subject. deb

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Before alanon I thought unconditional love was doing everything and anything for anyone without any thought for myself, since alanon I realised my love wasn't being given freely without condition, I wanted to get back what I was giving, I did that for years and years and kept expsecting differnt results, That way of thinking made me feel superior and my misery came when my expectations were not met.

I have practiced I think real love with our son this last couple of years, I have let go and stood back terrified I would lose him, he has had two major reality calls this last two years, and it has been the best thing I have ever done, when we asked him to leave those two times, our reasons were his choices were hurting us, and also he had stopped listening, people are not going to get it in my time scale as much as I would like them too, I am a fine one to talk it's taken me a life time to try to catch on.

I got it when I was ready I really think I am getting it now, examining my motives has helped tons, and balance.

katy

x

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I used to think that unconditional love was staying with your partner no matter how bad it got. Showing that you would love them no matter what.

Today I do believe it is accepting people for who they tar i a non judmental way. But I also now that I have a responsibilty to love and care for myself so I can love people but I do not have to put up with unaccpetable behavior. My partner is drinking again after sobriety i accept he is ill and love him but today I love me too, so I prtect myself !!!!

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I think unconditional love is you love and accept no matter what. I have that for my son. He could kill someone and I would still love him and try to help him. I would visit him in jail. My spouse complains that I have conditional love for her and she is right. The choices she makes are self-destructive. She lies to me and it has ruined my trust. I watch her destroying herself with a variety of addictions. She could change all that she does. She has choices. She could get expert help and go to meetings. I did have unconditional love for her up until the last 5-6 years. I'm not even sure I have love for her at all. I can't tell if the anger, hurt, and disappointment is in the way. If my son did what she was doing, I might still have unconditional love for him because he is my blood, and his problems might have been caused at least in part by me. But I did not cause my spouse's problems and addictions. Lyne

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I think dogs come the closest I have seen to achieving "unconditional love". My sponsor sent me a note sometime that reminded me of this..... In my experience, I haven't met many (any) humans who can fully have this "unconditional" love - I like to think we approach it, but it is a great goal to strive towards...

T

I had to learn to live and today there is almost no depression even though I do have moments of return to the old ways. I have to keep trying. I have to learn to live like the happy dog. Step on his tail and he goes, YIPE, YIPE, Yipe, Yipe, Ylpe, ylpe, yipe. When the smarting tail smarts a lot less he comes back wagging it and looking for love. This is a happy dog.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, Dogs come the closest. Ive observed it and have wondered often that they are just missing that
judgemental gene that we have developed somewhere along the way.

Bettina

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember long time back, watching an interview with an actor - he was talking about the adoration in his dog's eyes as she looked at him and his voice broke as he expressed how he felt so unworthy of her loving adoration. Its hard to keep unconditionally loving someone who is mistreating you - even a dog will stop coming to someone who abuses it, starts running from them even to avoid being hurt. There was a lot of hurt in my childhood yet I love my parents and siblings without reservations - but I've done a lot of healing work regarding the pain of growing up.

I believe Unconditional Love is what we humans should strive for because it is so hard to achieve. Heck, its pretty easy to love a baby whose never yelled at you or deliberately caused you pain. Much harder to purposefully love someone who seems bent on destroying any love you try to have for them.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

What a great post. I am getting so much out of each and every persons perspectives on unconditional love. I agree with so many others, the face to rooms of alanon has just that, an unabiding love that seems to permate the hardest shells including my own. The patience, love, understanding, and tremendous support members gave me there was for fun and for free. No strings attached. That is gratitude in action.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"