Divorce - Afraid AA for my wife will lead to divorce - changes and all - AM I warped? - Al-Anon Family Group

Shark34 · Newbie

Divorce - Afraid AA for my wife will lead to divorce - changes and all - AM I warped?

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shark,

Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

I was in a similiar situation 8 years ago. My wife started attended AA. The absolute best thing that came of that fact, was that I started attending Al-Anon meetings for myself not long after that. Al-Anon saved my life and returned a whole bunch of sanity and serenity to my life.

Your fears were my fears too. The worst thing I could imagine was that someday I would get divorced.

Now, eventually we did get divorced. But I will say this, it had nothing and everything to do with her being in AA and my being in Al-Anon. We both started growing and it became evident that our marriage just was not meant to be anymore.

That does not mean that will happen in your case however. Many, many couples remain couples after one or both get into recovery.

I would suggest to you that you start attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself. We have a saying..."The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the principals of Al-Anon". And this is oh so true. We may not know what our "situation" is going to look like, but when I began learning and living the program, my situation improved greatly.

Again, welcome, glad you are here reaching out.

Keep coming back.

Yours in Recovery,

David

Shark34 · Newbie

Thanks - the hurtful things said by my wife are hard to let go - God knows I am trying. Since she has been in AA (4 days) she is "nicer" but I feel my anger swelling. My life has been altered for so long, I almost do not know how to react anymore. She is trying - and yet I am just waiting to be disappointed. I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old - my oldest leaving for college soon, my youngest struggling with this.

My wife has said that I was the cause of her drinking - I never hit/hurt/abuses her in any fashion. So many people say I am a saint of sorts. I know they are trying to make me feel better, but holding the family together has been challenging.

My question is was this the alcohol talking - even if she said this when not drunk?

Can it really get better?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Shark,

Hugs and welcome, you are in the right place. I hope you will consider finding a f2f you are not alone in how you are feeling. The biggest and best thing you can do is focus on yourself. When I first got into the program I really was so unaware of how angry I had become and my AH and I our relationship was hitting an emotional low.

At this point I do not believe he is drinking however that said I really don't know, he is a dry drunk so it could be days, months or years before another drink comes his way. He has probably said some of the most hurtful things without drinking than he ever did while. With the programs help I have been able to see these things as his issue not mine. That sure didn't mean I had to tolerate them and I really hadn't realized what a doormat/victim/martyr I had become either. A great saying I have really started using is to stop being a doormat you gotta get up off the floor. I was so better able to cope and not react to the hurtful remarks, because I started working my program and putting the focus back on me. I stopped taking what he did or didn't do personally. I started recognizing how I had contributed (my responsibility) to some of the dysfunction in our relationship. That sure doesn't mean I am a horrible person what it means is that I was coping with an unreasonable situation sober while he had the buffer of running to the bottle. So I was coping with unhealthy skills. I had to stop and detach from the past and figure out what kind of future I wanted for me. Not do I stay or go nothing like that it was more at some point when I die do I want my kids remembering me as bitter and angry or would I rather my kids know I carried myself with grace and dignity.

My AH is not in a program and even though I'm sure he is not thrilled with the idea that I do this, even he has admitted out loud that things have gotten better. My children who are younger than yours have made startling admissions to me lately about how glad they are that I am happier. How much more fun I am and how I'm easier to be around. It made me sad and happy at the same time to think I might have not been all I could be, because I couldn't see past what the next shoe to drop was. I was in survival mode and nothing else mattered.

Anyway, I'm digressing .. lol .. sorry I'm good for that. My point I had a point .. lol, my point being you truly are not alone. Your marriage doesn't have to end. It's not to say it won't, who knows what the future holds. While your wife is in recovery she's not the only one who needs to recover as well. You have a wonderful opportunity to find out who you are, find healthy tools to cope with your situation and a huge opportunity to give your kids some wonderful life long coping skills. Tools that they will use for a lifetime not just for a moment here or there.

Please keep coming back, you are worth everything alanon has to offer. :) P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shark,

Welcome and glad you found us.

You asked if it can get any better. YES!

My ex-AH (who now is back at home) used to tell me that I was the cause of his drinking. For YEARS, I believed it to be true to some degree.

I didn't begin Al-Anon until after the divorce, about 8 months later. That was 5 months ago. It didn't takeme long to realize that I was absolutely not at fault to any degree.

My ex now tells me he realizes that I wasn't the cause. Even if he took up drinking again, he could not convince me that I was the cause.

I'm so glad I finally decided to give meetings a try. What a difference it has made in my life.

I hope you give Al-Anon some serious consideration! Others will be along to give you more support because the members of MIP are quite awesome to say the least.

It CAN get better. Honest.

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Hi Shark,

Alcoholics are sick and they say all sorts of things because they feel horrible about themselves. The best thing you can do is go to an Alanon meeting and one of the first things you will hear is that you didn't CAUSE the alcoholic to drink, you can't CONTROL the alcoholics drinking, and you can't CURE the alcoholic. That's all I really heard at my first meeting and it meant a lot because my wife was doing everything she could to blame me for her drinking, lost friends, lost jobs, etc. I actually was believing it and a lot of the things she was saying for a while but attending meetings helped me to get past those things.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha shark...Al-Anon is for men too and if you go and learn to keep an open mind you will find help...tons of it. Fears will go away and you will find happiness regardless of...

One of the many things I learned in early program was to differentiate between my wife and my alcoholic. I just absolutely had to know who I was with when I was with them to be able to tell what was up or down, in or out, right or wrong, sane or crazy.

I just loved and adored my wife...my alcoholic I couldn't stop trying to strangle...crazy making and that is the disease of alcoholism...it will take out the non-drinker more painfully than the alcoholic because the non-drinker doesn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore the non-drinker goes thru all of the insanity wide awake while the alcoholic has no idea what's really going on.

Get to the face to face Al-Anon meetings as soon as you can and stick and stay for at lease 90 days before making a decision on if it is for you or not. From experience it is the best. Find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 28th of July 2011 08:44:23 PM

nezyb · Member

Hi shark,
I am an alcoholic as well as the sister, daughter, and granddaughter of alcoholics. Currently I work an AA program, but I can relate to many of the posts here on this board as well. Yours struck me, especially when you said your wife blames you for her drinking. When I was in my active disease, I too blamed my husband. It was easier than taking the responsibility myself. I wish I could say that I have been able to easily grasp my program, but it has been a struggle at times. One thing, in my few short months of being in AA that has become clear to me however, is this. My drinking was and always will be my responsibility, no one elses. My recovery is my responsibility as well. My husband is not responsible for my actions. Nor are you responsible for those of your wife or for her drinking. She is, and she must be responsible for her recovery as well. Listen to the folks on this board, take care of you. She either will or will not take care of herself. Peace

Shark34 · Newbie

Thanks all - this is new for me and it seems like a rollercoaster. My wife is thus far attending meetings and meeting with a women's group - but therein lies the (my) insecurities. All of these women are divorced. It feels like I stuck with her through all the hardships and I am being set up for the "new, improved, sober" wife to leave me.

Hearing her words - sober or not - cut like a knife. It is early, but man is it hard to forget or put out of my mind these cruel remarks.

I am a huge guy too - well over 6 feet, 200plus pounds and an athlete - my wife is barely 5 feet and barely 100 pounds - so this is also so strange to be "in fear" it seems of such a small person.

The crux of my dilemma and question is a few things:

Does her recovering tend to lead to a higher rate of divorce?

How to deal with the anger I FEEL - (Al-Anon as you all said - bless you all)

Finally - am I selfish for these fears. My marriage - when good - was good - but hiding this and covering up made us live on eggshells - now that this is changing - we are not sure how to live it seems. We keep waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.

My wife - to her credit - is trying her best - but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about how she will deal with this once the guilt and shame leave.

My anger bothers me - I have been the parental figure to 2 incredible kids and they sense my frustration.

Thank you all - I hope you know how much this helps - and I will follow your suggestions.

Shark

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shark and Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I hear that you have already been introduced to the program and the concepts of AA and Alanon. You have heard that alcoholism is a disease and that by living with this disease we too become affected. Alanon and MIP can help.

The fear you describe is part of the disease of alcoholism that affects us. Our daily mediations often refer to this fear as " Irrational Fear and Dread..'

The tools of alanon will help to restore your confidence, self esteem, and serenity. I urge you to try our program.

You deserve to release the anger, fear and sadness. Please keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, I know you hurt horribly from the things she says. What helped me was when I found out it is a disease. If she had a brain tumor, low blood sugar from diabetes, she would be saying stange things too.

Alcohol does horrible things to ones body. Drunk or sober, she may have brain damage or other organ damage. It's poison running thru her.

Being an addict is so much more than using a drug. they have symptoms that are very hard to live with. In a program of recovery they hopefully start maturing, making good decisions work on social skills.

Of course it hurts. Does not matter what size you guys are! You love her, we need/want our love ones to treat us the best! but sadly she is very sick.

I learned to blame the disease not him.the anger is normal, but again blame the disease. She did not choose it. In time you will learn all this stuff and compassion will take over. Keep busy, exercise till ya drop. that is what got me thru at first.

When a person uses they cannot mature. we mature by experiences, going thru them, suffering, problem solving, figuring it out and going on., they drink do drugs whatever. Nothing learned, So is said they are the same maturity level as when they started using.

It was compassion that changed my outlook completely. He did not choose this, He has more guilt than i will ever have in a lifetime. I began going into friend mode. As I knew him all my life.

I don't regret a thing. Getting Them Sober volume one. Toby rice drew great great book. One you can read when you are suffering.

we want you to keep coming!! love,deb

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Shark, I am not a drinker either, and my husband is sober but not in a programme, it has been tough I have had no experience of this, he did go to a few aa meetings, and I was selfish because I wanted him to be with me I thougt I was owed that, it's been five years now and it's still tough, sometimes it all gets too much and I want to run away, but I I know I would take me with me and we both have a part to play, I have always needed a plan of action but I was limited until, that is, I came here, last week I signed onto room.com, and just knowing I have choices now makes all the difference, so I am working on just being his friend for now and the pressure is lifting it seems because I am braking it all down and taking it slowly, I know I am not the person I was in the drinking years, and I don't want to be either, for me being amongst people that walked my walk understand my struggles and guide me to a better life, you won't go far wrong here, if you keep coming back, and taking what you like and leaving the rest!

It does work if you work it!

Katy

x

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello,

My AH and I each attend meetings and work our own recovery programs. We don't get involved in the other person's recovery - and occasionally we even attend open AA meetings together (I'm not an A, but have to say that the open AA meetings have been the biggest factor in my gaining compassion for alcoholism as a disease, and understanding all the ugly stuff alcoholism does).

Before I started my own recovery, I thought that our relationship was falling apart if we didn't do everything together. I thought the whole goal in a marriage was for us to be one person - to do everything together. I was scared that if he did anything on his own, it was a sign he didn't want a relationship anymore. In recovery, I've come to understand that none of this is true. There are really 3 elements: me, him, and us. We are two separate individuals. When we each started working our own programs, we did more stuff independently - but we didn't grow apart. We just GREW. Our relationship took on a whole new meaning and the negative things started to get stripped away. Our relationship is awesome today.

To ease your fears, jump in with both feet to your own recovery, and leave your wife to work on her own. There's help out there - no need to stay in that place of icky fear.

Keep coming back!

Summer

Shark34 · Newbie

Your sage advice - all of you - really helps. You have been through this and the directionless feeling is so odd.

The anger about it always being about my AW (I am learning) - used to be containing the drunkeness, hiding it, almost pretending it was not there - to now her taking care of her issues and all - I am learning to love me, love her - and hope there will be an us.

You will never know how much this has helped.

Shark

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