The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for the long post. I am new here, new to the Al-Anon program. I have been to four F2F meetings and have been "lurking" here for the last week or so doing lots of reading. I have already had many questions answered, and gained so much insight and perspective from all of your posts. I still have a few questions, and although I know no one can tell me what to do, I'm hoping you can provide your experiences.
A brief history: my husband was always a drinker, but it initially didn't seem excessive to me or impede him in any way. Our five year old daughter has special needs, and we face lots of challenges with her that can be emotionally and physically draining. We have not seen eye to eye at all when it comes to her and her care, and we have fought alot about that. I have worked so hard to find the best strategies and therapies to help her, and it is incredibly frustrating that he is not on board. I admit that this is the area where I made lots of mistakes with how I dealt with my husband, and in hindsight, wish that I had handled things differently.
He is self employed, but the jobs are getting fewer and far between. I work four days a week and the fifth day is spent at appointments and therapies for my daughter. This past year has been the worst. I feel that the responsibility for everything has fallen on me and I am slowly drowning under the pressure and stress. I have been trying so hard to keep everything together, and I couldn't understand how he could just "check out" and leave me to do everything. We are so badly in debt now, and it's like he doesn't even care, uses the line of credit and credit card like money grows on trees. It may sound ridiculous, but I only just realized in the past six months that the alcohol was playing a much bigger part in everything than I thought; in his denial regarding our daughter, in his motivation and effort in finding work. The reality really hit last month, on our 10th wedding anniversary, when I said we can't even begin to address the issues that need to be repaired in our relationship until he deals with his drinking. He completely deflected by telling me I better address my anger issues first which, in his esteemed opinion, stem from our daughter being the way she is. I stopped talking, and just thought, "Really??? Does he seriously think that that is the source of my anger?" It hit home that his thinking has become so distorted, and the alcohol is responsible for this. When I am able to take a step back, and gain a slight sliver of perspective, I am amazed at what I have come to accept as "normal" in our relationship and our home.
So here are some of the things I am wondering about. I understand and generally agree with the theories and principles behind Al-Anon. I understand I must be the one to initiate change, but I am having a hard time understanding how to apply this in real life and still live together. I am wondering how to detach, without just pretending he doesn't exist. And I feel like if I make him leave, I'm kicking him when he's down. He has no money, no job, no place to live, no resources. In his eyes, he is making an effort. It's just that his definition of making an effort is very different from mine. If I can't trust him to deal with his responsibilities, then I am the one who has to ensure they are done when it comes to the care of our child or the payment of the bills. Everything is in both our names, how do I let him deal with the consequences of not getting work, but still maintain my own credit rating, AND without getting saddled with all of our debt by myself? I've realized that I have to take some steps to separate our finances, but are any of you able to have any kind of intelligent discussion with your A about these issues? Do you discuss the program at all or how it's helping you? Do you give them a warning that you're "detaching" and they will now be on their own when it comes to finances and consequences, or do you just do it?
At any point, if they seek recovery, do they acknowledge their complete abdication of responsibility? Do they realize the crazy things they said, the crazy opinions they expressed, or do they still truly blame everyone else for their misfortune? Will I always be looked upon as the crazy B**** who ruined his life by causing him to drink and now causing him to not be able to have a drink? What is the point of being with someone who truly believes that the source of my anger is the existence of my own daughter? He can choose sobriety and he can get a job, but will these types of opinions ever change?
I guess they are not so much questions, as worries. And I know everything can't be solved right away. I guess I will gain more insight as time goes by, and be able to make some rational decisions. I'm just worried about what the right thing to do is, and sad, and feel that it's all just such a waste. So disappointed when I think of where we were ten years ago.
Aloha Baba...it's 2:14 AM Hawaii time and I'm here cause some of the same processess you are going thru just woke me up and with a headache to boot. Just the reason to practice my program as I've learned it over time in Al-Anon. Headache is gone...now add a little sleepy and back to bed. When the voice(s) in my head get that loud I've got to do something. The voices arrive from the other side of the "fear" door so the first thing is get rid of the "fear" (false evidence appearing real) My head is making up stories about how things really are when often things really are different. If I don't get rid of the fear the worry accelerates(?) and then as they announce on all NASA launches "We have a liftoff!!".
I learned in program that if I add just one more person into my life, drinker or not, I've got a problem...wills, perceptions and behaviors. I don't get what I want, when and how I want it no matter how rational or sane. If that other person is addicted then I'm thinking that the only thing that will work is fairy dust.
Practicing the Principles often times seems like a lonely prospect because it is self focus...for my recovery...because I need recovery...and letting go of having others come along with me so that I can have recover "and" the other people places and things in my life at the same time and then I wake up to what I learned; I am here in recovery because I'm powerless over other people, places and things in my life while at the same time I want, what I want, when I want it, in the manner I choose.
I've of course forgotten to mention of course that entity which makes all the difference in my world who when I turn myself and "it" over to, causes the voice(s) to go away and the body and spirit relax and the tension and headache also and the picture come into very sharp contrast...what it is and what I need to do.
Sanity..."a continuous and orderly process of thought" a condition arrived at by turning my will and my life over to God; a power much greater than myself and all other people, places and things.
Principles...laws or accepted beliefs by which I self govern. Amazing I can even see it that way considering from where I arrived; pre-program and an hour ago. An hour ago I went back into the past on how to react to life around me inspite of knowing that it never worked.
The financial thingy is a consequence. I can only accept my part of that consequence; change my part. I cannot change the entire financial atmosphere which currently sucks all around the planet. My partner's part? cheeeez!! and then she is only one of the other persons in my group I'd like to see life my way. But not for the moment...I'm now sleepy...the key board clicking woke up the dog and her and all the people in my head have left. Gonna turn off this puter, get my blankee and go curl up in the palms of my HP's hands and let it all go.
Stick around with MIP and AFG you're on the right new path and slow is best.
