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I left my AH for the summer because I needed some time away from him to decide if I wanted to continue our marriage. I have found great help with the f2f meetings and have decided to return home for one last shot at our marriage. He is telling me that he has been sober and attending meetings. Since I am 2 hours away and have no proof of this, I obviously have my doubts. Here is the question that I have. I am thinking of having him use a breathalizer to show me that he is sober (if I question this). He is excellent at hiding his drinking (to the point that I thought he was having a stroke when the ER told me he was actually just incredibly drunk). We have 2 small children (which I don't plan to leave alone with him). I don't want him home if he is drunk. So, will it do any good to have him use a breathalizer or is this me trying to control his drinking. I think that this is me trying to determine if he is indeed drunk or sober and therefore allow him around the children. But I do a great job at rationalizing things to make myself sound better.
It will be easy to tell if he is really going to meetings and working a program. I am in AA and it's obvious to all that know me because it is a serious lifestyle change and I live AA principle, talk about them, call my sponsor, and do all sort of recovery related readings, stepwork....it is obvious. So I think the breathalizer thing is not necessary because it's easy to look for those things I just mentioned.
Instead of that detective work of figuring out if he is drunk which is difficult, the presence of his working an active AA program is easy to observe.
But as they say in Alanon, he is either going to drink or not...the breathalizer wont stop him if he wants to drink. This is more about your limit setting and will you really leave for good if he continues. That is about you and that answer will come to you through further work in your alanon program.
I have no experience with breathalizers, however I have heaps of experience in trying controll a loved ones drinking in other ways. I understand where you are coming from as I am married with two young children.
What I will say is the best think I did for me and my children was to go to face to face meetings of alanon, get a sponsor, and begin working the steps with them. I had someone whom I trusted and could call at anytime to run the scenerios that were circling in my head. She would listen and point me in the right direction. So, I cannot recommend enough a loving sponsor whom has taken my calls early in the morning and late at night, anytime when I needed help.
There is hope in this disease. I have been in alanon for many years. I have found that I deeply love my husband who happens to suffer from a disease called alcoholism. Working the steps in alanon has shown me how to separate the man from the disease, unload the pain of yesterday, and the fear of tomorrow. I have come to understand that no one asked for this, not even the alcoholic that suffers. Alanon has taught me how to find peace, serenity, happiness and joy in my life one day at a time in the absence or presence of alcoholism.
Thank you so much for your post today. I hope you will stick around and get to know us awhile.
But as they say in Alanon, he is either going to drink or not...the breathalizer wont stop him if he wants to drink. This is more about your limit setting and will you really leave for good if he continues.
I love that one sentence and it seems to speak to both questions in the title of the thread:
Do breathalizers do any good? By "good" are you asking if it will stop him from drinking? "The breathalizer won't stop him if he wants to drink"
Harm? Again "The breathalizer won't stop him if he wants to drink" The breathalizer I think may help you maintain a false sense of control. So, yes, it is harming you.
I just wanted to extend a welcome. If he's going to drink he's going to drink, my issue is safety for the kids. Find out what your rights as a parent are especially if he has documented incidents with alcohol. Some states can require a person to wear a SCRAM bracelet if they are going to be around young children in custody issues. You aren't going to stop him if he's going to drink.
I have found it's better to focus on me and what I want and what my boundaries are than worrying when the next shoe is or is not going to drop. I will say I have my kids covered should push come to shove. I have made the choice to look into custody laws, and what it means to have a record. The reality is if it becomes an issue of safety for my children the kids come first foremost and always. That's my opinion and I have my own issues regarding that specific thing.
Please keep coming back, it would be a good topic to discuss at a meeting. If it is an issue of control though just like Tommy and a few others have stated it's not going to work.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
As you are a member of the fellowship and know we can't control the actions of others and are here to take care of US not the A. My take ( as this is totally just my take on it ) is that having him take breathalizer test is first an attempt to control his actions and taking the focus off yourself and trying to work his recovery for him. Hopeing that made sense. You can not work his program for him, while he may to agree to the breathalizer in the beginning he will resent it as A's always resent our attempt to "help" and control. If I am in your place I am going to go with my gut feelings and what I am seeing for myself to gage weather or not he is staying sober or working his program. And working his program involves a lot more than just staying sober. It involves ( just as our program does ) a change in his behavior and coping skills. Otherwise you have a dry drunk on your hands. Then you have also the possiblity he will change addictions as many A's do. May turn in that bottle for some other chemical that doesn't show on a breatalizer. An example of this I can give you is this... my sons drug of choice is hallucinigens ( majic mushrooms). He OD'd one night and we found the drugs, handed them over to the police ( in which he was then charged with possesion ). He was one probation ( in which he could never complete because he sabbotaged himself comstantly ) but every drug test.. clean never tested dirty. Why? Cause he did his ressearch on other ways he could get the same kind of high with over the counter meds. A specific cough medicine that if taken in large quanties gives him the same high as if he was taking an illegal drug. It's called Dexing and doesnt show up on any kind of drug test. A's are smart, they will figure out how to get that high if that's what they want. I would encourage you again if you are going to attempt reconciliation trust yourself, what you feel, what you see. Work your program and let your husband work his. You will know soon enough if what he is telling you is true. Blessings
I can only say what I did and my experience was that it didn't work. It wasn't a breathalizer but his wallet that I sought to control...
For about a week, my A fiance gave me his wallet during the day so he wouldn't drink. I felt so powerful and in control. The day he announced he didn't want to give me his wallet, I felt crazy out of control and didn't know why he wouldn't give it over. I was She-Ra princess of power and then I was a mere mouse the day he said he wouldn't give me the wallet.
Its all about step one. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (and everything else) and our lives had become unmanageable. I am powerless over him and what he does. I have power to change what I do, and I ask my HP to help me through. Welcome here, keep coming! I hope you are enjoying your meetings and getting a sponsor ;) Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
The main therapist at my wife's rehab facility recommended it. I said no, it totally goes against my program. I am not going to be her cop. What I needed was to get away from focussing on her. Didn't mean I stopped caring, just that I started taking responsibility for myself and not her.
I think we all have to get to the point where we realize that it just isn't O.K. to place a condition of our happiness on the action or inaction of another.
I am all for giving a marriage a chance, but if his actions or mannerisms make you uncomfortable the question of whether or not he's drinking is really moot. Your responsibilty is to your happiness, he's responsible for his own, if you guys can be happy together great, if not, blame does not matter.
my thought when I read this? If the goal of using the breathalizer is to keep you focussed and enmeshed in your husband's sobriety, then yes, I guess they work....
I don't see how they can be of any more value than looking for empties and "catching" our A's drinking....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Things I have considered buying when my wife was actively drinking: breathalyzer (yes, you are not alone), GPS hidden in car that would track everywhere she went (so I could see if she went to the liquor store), ignition lock that she would only allow her to drive if she were sober (essentially the ultimate breathalyzer), hidden camera in her car so I could catch her doing whatever is what I thought I needed to see...etc...
So as I said earlier, you are not alone and I think it's a natural thought when you are first dealing with this. And I understand your fear of the safety of the little ones, we have 2 of our own that are often in the car with my wife. But if you're going to find peace, happiness, and serenity, you have to let go and let God handle everything.
For me, I realized that buying the items I listed above was a waste of time because what if the breathalyzer showed she was drunk? Guess what, she's going to lie about it anyway! I have found empty wine and vodka bottles in the car and she's lied about them (my favorite: "I was at an AA meeting, some drunk must have hidden it in my car!").
Catching your spouse is not going to be what gets him to sobriety. As Abbyal says, ask someone at a F2F meeting and see what they say. It's not to make you feel silly, but I think you'll get a lot of insight.
At one point, I had considered buying one. However, I am now so over with monitoring his behaviors that I wouldn't use one if they paid be excellent money!
What he (my ex-AH who lives with me) does, he does. And he is totally responsible for what he does. Now he might relapse. It might take me several days to recognize it, but I'm not looking for any signs whatsoever. I'm done playing cop. I don't need any device to confirm if I suspect anything. I now trust my gut instincts.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hello:) I'll share my experience with this. I have found that every single one of my 'spy' or control efforts were A) futile B) an incredible waste of money and C) a big waste of time and D) contributed to my decent into insanity.
I researched breathalyzers, bought a fancy one off Amazon.com calibrated that sucker and I thought I'd be saving my husband and 'make' him not drink since the breathalizer doesn't lie. ect.. I quickly learned I wasted my money (and probably sent my husband's anxiety, in anticipation of the breathalyzer, through the roof).
I remember my husband being SO SO convincing saying he wasn't drinking, but I thought he was, he was 'weird', he was 'off', and I felt CRAZY and needed to know, needed reassurance that I was not crazy, that I was not imagining him being drunk...and well, the breathalyzer did that for me. I stopped using in after a week or two.
My husband blew high on the breathalyzer every single time (even in the morning) and every time he would say "well, I just had a cough drop" or "I had some cough medicine" or, "it must not work on me". There was always an excuse! Not once did my husband ever admit "ok, you caught me hunny, I was drinking today", not ever.
There was one time, I remember, that my husband blew so high I was shocked - He swore up and down on everything that he was NOT drinking, that it must be wrong, please baby, believe me he pleaded... I love you so much, I'm not lying, I promise! He started going off about how the breathalyzer must be broken. I snapped. I went nuts. I'm embarrassed at my behavior. I then blew 0.00 and showed him "see, it works!". He still thought it was broken, so I went to the fridge, pounded back 2 beers in like 10 minutes (I felt sick, I don't drink), and then blew like 0.03 or something... to 'prove' to him that it worked thinking he would finally admit he lied and drank. He didn't. I gave up after that.
I remember reading on here about breathalyzers before I bought mine. I don't remember if I ever posted about it, but I did search for posts about breathalyzers... and read how they didn't work. I suppose I just needed to prove it to myself.
