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Okay so my mom is moving to arizona and she will not have a place to live so i told her she can live with me and my family bc we have a big house my husband didnt say anything about it and i just got a call from his dadsaying that my husband wants to live with him untill my mom moves out and has her own place. My mom has never done anything wrong to him or ever been mean to him but he hates to be around people especially my family for no reason. So i told him and his dad that if he moves in with his parents i will be filing from divorce b/c i will not ignore my family anymore and push them out because they are the only thing that has been there for me when he has treated me like 'xxxx'. i found out that he was planning this today and hasnt told me anything yet. Am i wrong for standing up for myself? I have done so great in being my own person and not allowing him to controll me anymore and we havent talked in 2 weeks because i am not allowing him to walk all over me and be mean anymore.
Am I Wrong? If anyone has any advise please help
Thank you
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 28th of July 2011 06:18:34 PM
I dont have any experience in divorce. However, there is a line in our literature that has always struck a chord with me. It is in our Courage to Change book it states
"if I am always reacting, I am never free"
Early when I began working with a sponsor in alanon she suggested that I refrain from making any major decisions in my life for six months to one year unless there is physical abuse. I am so glad for her direction because for me when I made decisions, I was not strong enough to keep them. I too felt like I was ready for the big D. So in the time I was directed to wait, I began working the steps. It in that process that I felt and understand exactly what I wanted in my life and found a peace with what the answers I found.
Hi, Okay, so you think you are on the road to divorce, but that doesn't mean that you will stay on that road. No telling what is in the future. That is why we say not to make any major decisions, but this sounds like your hubby has it is mind already. Well, that may be....but I know when my sister's hubby filed for divorce when it came down to making the final signature, he couldn't do it. They are still married, 10 yrs. later, and much happier now that they went through counseling.... and decided on what they actually do want.
It sounds like you gave his dad an ultimatum.... Doesn't count. It sounds like your father in law gave you gossip from your hubby..... doesn't count.
You don't have to react to anything that happens when ANYONE tries to rile you up. That is ultimate detachment. You live your life. You have your mom come. You stay pleasant to all the family, meaning your hubby and his family too. Your hubby is allowed to make decisions about his life. If that means alone, then he can do the work of making that happen. You don't have to agree. You don't have to help the process.
If you want your mom to come and live with you, then you can do what it takes to make that happen. He doesn't have to agree or help the process.
You can do what you want, but watch your motives. If they are to punish, then bad. If they are because you have to take care of you, then good.
The 3 c's you did not cause the addiction, you will not control the addiction and you cannot cure it. Anytime I have put my A on the spot he rebels and goes in the exact opposite direction than where I'm trying to manipulate him. The reality is I have to surrender to the fact that I have no power at all over my A. I can manipulate and sure it works short term the reality is, I have to stop, focus on myself and figure out what my motives are and how do I get better from here.
At that point I had to get out of my own way, go to a f2f meeting and really accept a few good truths and a few ugly ones. It did not make me a bad person, it made me a person very much in pain and needing a way out of the pain I was in. The only way to stop being a doormat is to get up off the floor. The only way to stop being a victim is to start accepting my responsibility for the role I played in our relationship and how do I get better.
The f2f meetings are there for a reason and they really do work. I had to accept the responsibility of the part I played in my own circumstances.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Decisions as serious as divorce should never be made in haste or anger. I know how you feel, because, my XAH would say the the same things toward my family that were unjustified, they were always good toward him. Of course I ended up splitting with him and not because of a family reason or any other then it can become unbearable to live with an alcoholic. I did it for 26 years and that was enough, especially when there was no change and not even a try at sobriety.
I dont think your wrong for any decision and conclusion you decide and Alanon will never tell you what you should do when it comes to your marriage, only you can do that. Make sure you weigh out all the consequences. Maybe your husband was acting out because you invited your Mother without consulting him and felt disrespected. Even though they completely disrespect us when it comes down to it, doesnt mean we have to retaliate. Just some food for thought.
I don't know your complete story so I am assuming your husband is your A So he is going to move in with his dad while your mom stays with you. This may be a blessing in disquise for you. My son is my A lived at home and while I adore him addict or not, he has spent more time in jail the last couple yrs than out and while you never want to see your loved one in jail, it gave me time to totally focus on ME. He was safe, sound and sober so I had the luxury of totally putting the focus on me an my recovery. And what is said is "not making any major life changes for 6 months of your own recovery work" is totally true. I needed that time to get stronger and more educated in this disease to even think of making any informed decisions. This could be your time. And if you could get your mom on board with going to meetings with you and getting her into recovery so that you can be a support system for each other a double blessing. I know with my son gone and me working on me did a world of good. Blessings
Hey there, I just wanted to say I agree with the others here. I have been through a divorce because there was physical abuse going on and other such terrible things. With my A fiance now however, there isn't physical abuse or any other type of abuse and I am now willing and able to look at me and only me and going to face to face meetings is helping me to do that. I got a sponsor that is helping me as well.
I am learning that if I DON'T REACT and REMAIN CALM, things go a lot better. I have to surrender to the fact that the A in my life is an adult and can make his own decisions regarding if he drinks or not. It is suggested that you try at least 6 meetings in a row, when you go LISTEN, share, talk with others after the meeting, help out by putting things away or getting things out. Get phone numbers. And keep coming, it works when we work it. HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am living the process of separation as we speak.
The decision is your own, as the other members pointed out think about the decision "rationally" not out of anger or spite. If you truly want to go through the divorce route, its a long and difficult road, very emotional and the al-anon tools are amazingly helpful. Detachment with love will play full part. Stand your truth, reach to your HP and practise the serenity prayer and steps. You are not alone. I wish you all the courage, strength and prayers you need.
