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I have been trying so hard to not react to my AHs ignoring me and condescending attitude.But at lunch, I went home and it all started.I put on a dish this morning to marinate for dinner.My AH informed me at lunch that he made plans to go have chips and tea with a friend this evening.Yes, its my TV night, and it's really easier if he isn't there, but I had planned dinner already. And so I was upset at first and he asked why and I said, I just need a minute to shift gears.Well, then I told him I had potential plans to go out with friends in a couple of weeks to a concert.He accused me of being manipulative by telling him now.I really have dreaded telling him because of the flak I thought I would get. And I hadnt made up my mind because of that too. But it seemed like, since we were talking about that issue, I should tell him. OK, maybe it was manipulative. I dont know why I get so upset and scared when he says he is going out.Well, yes I do. Its because when he used to go out, he would drink, come home and be aggressive with me. I finally told him that it wasnt that I am trying to control his behavior, but I dont want it to be my problem if he goes out and drinks. I don't want to lose sleep due to his coming in late, snoring and stinking. So, he started telling me how all this my fault, Im manipulative, insecure, and that his counselor asked if hes confronted me about it.He was yelling over my talking and no matter how much I tried to get across my point calmly, there was just no getting through to him.He insulted me, and Im actually believing him and questioning if its all me.And the one person who I want to be able to trust with my insecurities and feelings is, once again, the one making me feel more insecure and hurt.I hate this emotional roller coaster that we are on and tell him, I just cant physically and emotionally take it anymore.He is such a strong personality and there is just no way to get through or even get heard.I am so ready to give up, but so scared to at the same time.Help.
I used to be scared when my A went out. I still feel that way at times of change or when he has a new friend. I have to immediately go to my program with it, or my sponsor.
Sometimes I can feel the same way you do. I made plans and he screwed them up. I would phone my sponsor and tell her what is going on and then the "but" would come. She gently let me know everything before the "but" is crap. I was trying to control the situation.
When I started making a plan a,b and c things got easier. I didn't have to be on the spot with my habitual responses that did not aid in a positive situation for myself.
I learned that no matter how much I want to be able to count on him and have a real relationship it wasn't going to be so. I have my Al-anon family to share my intimate feelings, fears and insecurities with. They can understand me in a way my A can't.
I too was tired of the emotional roller coaster so I decided to jump off. My program allowed me to no longer be affected emotionally by the surroundings around me. It wasn't just with my A but in every day life with many situations. Now when I am feeling things spiral out of control for me, I know it is just me and I can ground myself again.
After my A was imeshed in his program for a little over a year things became different. I did have the relationship I was seeking. I did have true intimacy and was inspired daily. He was reliable and trustworthy. He did what he said he was going to do. It was amazing.
Last year he let his program slip and started to slip with it. How long I will stay I don't know. Probably won't be much longer unless there is active change, even if it is slow. As long as it is consistently slow.
I am selective as to when I say things. How I say then and most importantly what my motive is. After having a good relationship I can't say I will live with this forever, watching what I say and when to avoid a blowup. That is not what I want my normal to be in the near future. For today, that is my reality.
Don't let the alcoholic make you feel so put down. He blames you for everything because in his mind, it justifies his drinking. If you say anything at all about anything, he blows up and goes to the bar and tells everybody about the bitch at home who makes his life miserable. If you don't respond, he'll go and cry in his beer and tell everybody that you don't love him any more and are probably getting ready to leave any minute. He uses whatever you say and do as an excuse to drink, but the fact is that he doesn't need an excuse. He drinks because he's an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do. The reality is that his drinking has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you. If you two had never met, he'd still drink. I know it's hard, but don't let his accusations get you down because they have no basis in reality.
I'm glad you're coming to the MIP boards. You deserve good things for yourself, and this is a great place to start. You'll find a lot of great people here, and a lot of ESH and inspiration. I hope you're also able to find some face-to-face meetings in your area. Keep coming back, you're worth it and you deserve it!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
All I can say is when the fingers start pointing at least in my case it's all about deflection of how it's really me and not him. Yes, I'm sure I have issues I do not deny this at the same time it's up to him to address his own issues.
I am a little stuck with why it is ok for him to go out and not you? Sometimes I think it's easy for us all to forget that as much as we try and control the addict they absolutely do it right back. They hit at our deepest fears because it's worked in the past. I would make a speculative guess most of us have some kind of abandonment issues. I have to find ways to center myself, sometimes it's a meeting, sometimes it's reading, it's always something to stop me from being down on myself about something I should have or shouldn't have done. Know what the milk is already spilled at that point I've said whatever and maybe I figure out ok, I will say something different the next time because .. lol .. chances are there will be a next time. Biggest thing I have to do is be easy on myself to know I'm trying to do the best I can in an unreasonable situation and I'm trying like crazy to deal and be sober with it.
Hugs again and I hope you enjoy yourself when you go out. :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks for all your quick replies. I really was hanging by a thread. I go from being up and knowing that I am a good person and have worked hard to make this work, to believing that all he says is right and I am the reason for all our woes. I have made mistakes, I have done counseling and tried to make amends. I often feel I want just a new start. Somewhere to be who I am without judgement and without reminders of past hurts and actions. I hate responding to him that way because it just plays into his accusations that I am irrational, drama seeking and self consumed. I really don't know what to do anymore to make it work. If I seek out activities I feel I'm doing it out of spite. If I don't, I feel I am being controlled by him. Pushka, what you said about deflection is probably true. I can't see through his facade to know what he is really feeling. He acts very arrogant and pompous to me. I really need to seek out a F2F Group because I know I am going to need it and a sponsor. Thank you so much to all your posts and please keep giving me advice since I am new to this.
You are not a Saint. No one would exactly like this kind of treatment.
Remember an A is an expert on deflecting, acting, projecting. Seeing it all does not come overnight.
Confusion is the norm when you are around an alcoholic. They say one thing and do another.
I live around alcoholics and have to work really hard not to be 1) offended 2) drawn in 3) drop into people pleasing and 4) feel responsible for.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober its offered here and it is well worth getting.
Be nice to yourself. Would you expect anyone else to be an expert overnight. I think not!
Maresie.
PS I would doubt any counselor of an alcoholic would tell them to confront anyone. They don't do that. They generally work on what the alcoholic must do rather than what everyone else but the alcoholic must do.
Really I want to say "thank you," for sharing your experience. You have described the majority of my last two weeks, and my experience with my AH yesterday. I have found that he is trying very hard to take my inventory, and "make me pay" in a sense. He has simply changed contexts, but using the same behaviors as he was before "sobriety": justification, manipulation, playing the victim. Only now he is accusing me of doing it, and using his program as a deflection.
I have also begun to question myself, to the point where I have nearly no confidence or self-esteem left. We had a marriage counseling appmt yesterday, and the counselor (I believe) was taken aback by it, and I think befuddled by his arguments. She did tell me that I the only one doing almost everything and that it's too much for me, and that it's easy for him to call me a victim when I was victimized in the past and I am feeling I have no control over this situation. She encouraged me to work on my confidence...
This reminded me: His current behavior is part of his pattern. My reaction is part of the "dance." My AH is good at adjusting, becoming more sophisticated in his approach, when he is ill and trying to manipulate me/the situation. I need to stop participating in the dance. It doesn't justify his behavior in any way. It does, however, keep me sane and focusing on what I can do to help myself heal and be well. When I take a step back and see that his behaviors, thoughts, words are based in sickness, I can think straight again. I can trust myself again, and remember that "it's not me." Of course you are questioning yourself (and, when we're in a sick atmosphere, we do engage in some manipulative behaviors). Who wouldn't? It doesn't mean there is something inherently wrong with you. Don't let him take a partial truth and blow it up to be the primary focus. He should be taking his OWN inventory.
I know the immense difficulty - yesterday I wanted to call it quits. I can't live like this forever. That's why I need to remember that forever is NOT the same as right now. Start with right now, because YOU deserve it. As my sponsor said: either things will get better and he will be present in your relationship, or things won't get better. You need to be healthy in any case, so that you can make the best decision for yourself. If you leave, you don't want to do it because he forced you to in anger or resentment - you'll want to do it because it makes the most sense, and is what's in your best interest.
Thanks again! I am going to try to take my own advice!
(((HUGS)))
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Maresie - thank you for your words of support. They really do help. Also, his counselor is an old high school friend. I think there is not much real counseling going on. In the beginning he suggested my AH might be drinking too much and to go to an AA meeting. He went and came back saying he was an alcoholic... that didn't last long. Now my AH says, he's not an alcoholic and has forgone all the step process. He is backing off of the regular counseling too. I know I have been too overbearing and controlling in the past out of fear, but I get the feeling he wouldn't be happy unless he was living a single life without having to answer to anyone. He'll say "you do want you want, and I'll do what I want", but that' no way to live in a marriage.
Klotus - it helps to know that I am not alone in this and that the behavior being demonstrated by AH is somewhat the norm. I have often called what we do a "dance" and my AH scoffs at that. But regardless of whether I came to the relationship with an insecure, controlling nature, or learned it in the relationship, I need to change it. And I just don't think I can do it alone. Or at least I can't make the marriage better alone. By golly, it's been 35 years and it hasn't changed yet. I am thinking I need to just make myself better, healthier and more strong financially. I want to go back to school or pursue some volunteer work. It is just very hard as I am not an outgoing person and my self esteem is low right now. I wish we could talk, but our talks always end up with yelling over each other. I think I need to bite my tongue and just not have any dialogue at all with him, but will this really change anything if he isn't doing any work on his issues too? I did manage to not get into it with him last night when he came in. I think it's best to just totally ignore him for now and try to learn to deal moment to moment and focus on me.
