Hi all, this is my first post and I'm new to the alanon concept and guess I'm looking for something, anything.

I grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional envirenment, neglected, abandoned and abused (in every way) at a very early age, sexually by a babysitter by the time I was 5 years old, my first memories where of my father beating his second wife and performing indecent acts on her while we (my brother and I) were present, had to call for ambulances for the second wife's suicide attempts again age 5-6, my father would have me lie for him while he stole money from the family, molested me from 9-14 until I left home etc - all very ugly stuff. I've read some books on codependancy and child abuse, inner child healing and such and do recognize that my entire life has been effected by other peoples drinking/drugging. I survived and even thrived, I have a succesful career and just bought my first home and have so much to be thankful for...however...

I've gone for some therapy and EMDR treatment and have been researching mental illness, addiction, narcissism, gaslighting and self help resources for many many years. I'm trying to change my negative relationship patterns as I seem to be endlessly drawn to emotionally unavailble people (both my parents are addicts as is my brother, my sister is narcissitic with an eating disorder, I just ended/walked away from a 23 year friendship with BFF and her husband who have both been in NA/AA for a few years now). The manipulation, the lies, the abusive behaviour - I seem to have a high tolerance. I have post traumatic stress disorder.

I'm surrounded. I am the anchor or should say common denominator (walked away from BFF/Husband a few months ago, father has traumatic brain injury from falling down stairs while drunk last fall and now incapacitated and still in hospital, mother lives in a shack on the beach in Mexico, she abandoned my brother and I when I was 9 months old - she had a crack addiction and is still full on active alcoholic, brother second time out of rehab in another city still using, sister only gets in touch if she needs something) and I've spent my whole life trying to make sense out of chaos.

After browsing this site I've seen statements such as 'no they rarely, if ever take responability for their actions/behaviours, they're still as selfish and self centred (more so in recovery), narcissitic etc., none of which sounds like improvement or terribly encouraging.

I guess I've come to accept that I'm powerless over any of it, I did my best to understand, be suportive, encouraging and forgiving and got little if anything but hurt and confused in return. I do know the difference between caregiving and caretaking and feel I'm more off the former not the later.

When my brother would call asking for rent money 'cause he spent it on booze, I said no - I did however give him a few days worth of food out of my cupboard and walked him to detox and helped in get into rehab (he was also abused), I brought him some new clothes when he got out of rehab the first time so he could find work and helped him get some ID and a bank account which he has never had in his life.

I told my sister (she had another mother and was spoiled) that if she keeps paying our fathers rent he'd never hit rock bottom (until he did - he was denied welfare and drank himself into a stuppor and fell down the stairs), I was estranged at the time. I've tried to keep a safe distance but I'm now at a loss on the subject of loss and grief and keep floundering between hope and denial of the facts. I've had to grieve the loss of them all while they still walk the earth. I feel cheated somehow.

I think I'm here mostly because of my best friend, addict/bully. It's amazing what you don't see when you're still in the middle of it or maybe it's amazing what you do finally see when you've had that AHA moment of undeniable clarity. She's now going to all of our mutual friends and trash talking me to make herself seem like the victim (in case I wanted to get any support from them) and is being very cold and mean spirited. This person also used me as a buffer (unwitttingly) when her toxic abusive husband was at his most toxic and abusive. All of this because I asked her to stop putting me down to build herself up and trying to enforce my boundaries? This was described on the Narcissistic abuse recovery as normal when leaving a narcissist. 

She had leaned on my very heavily over the years and when I had a stress breakdown a few years ago she said she didn't want to be that kind of friend or part of my support system. I was crushed but forgave her, our friendship was never the same after but why is she trying to punish me for trying to settle a difference or stand up for myself? I guess I will have to live with the fact she's not going to leave her bubble of denial or take her big fat binders off. I put myself there after all to be on the receiving end. I dunno. It hurts, it's hard.

Not really looking for sympathy, guess I needed to share and vent my pain.

Thanks for letting me, you all seem very kind from what I've read. Work just piled up while writting this, I had better get at it. Thanks.