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I went to a meeting this week on the topic of the 4th step and the word illusions was floating around the room. In regard to the fact that we never did have control over the alcoholics in our lives. Even when they did what we wanted, what we Really had was the illusion of control. For that matter, there were times with no program when i thought i had so much power to change the addict and again, it was the illusion of power, etc.. So .. I looked up the definition of illusion tonight in the dictionary and the definition defined it as building up one's hopes. Before program, the illusions kept my hope alive. The defect ? served it's purpose and denial helped me hold on until i could find something more. Tonight when I think of that definition, I realise the illusions also kept me hoping the addict would recover, etc.. In all these years, there has Never been a drug stop (for Real). Nothing has changed, and tonight I see that for what it is. Illusions Never really gave me hope at all .. They gave me the illusions of hope. So as I look at this situation, when it comes to the addict and myself, there is the hope he will someday recover, but today there is the recognition that if the addict isn't willing to better himself and clean it up, there isn't much reason for me to hope we can build a future (today). Feeding my illusions will only make them bigger so to speak .. It's so crazy when I think of how many illusions I had to have growing up too in order to survive such an emotionally neglectful atmosphere, I had to sink into a fantasy like world so to speak to survive it. To this day, I Feel like nobody loves me, will really ever accept me, or will ever realy want to hear what i have to say, etc., be with me .. I'm learning through meetings this isn't entirely true but it sure feels this way .. I feel alone, sad, fearful, lost, obssessive, compulsive and isolated beyond belief .. it feels entirely as my entire life is passing me by and for the first time in my life, I'm alone .. (not suicidal). to be truthful what I want is in reverse .. to learn to be the kind of person who loves, accepts, and approves of others without my past obssessions getting in the way, etc.. my subconscious insanity is waiting for others to give me these things Still so that I can finally get them myself .. I still have a part of me that truly Believes my self confidence, esteem, worth, approval, acceptance, has to come from Others .. Step 2 before the steps .. coming to believe every negative thing I tell myself or have heard in my past from others .. Even when it comes to my higher power (who for me happens to be God although I respect completely others' forms of higher power) .. I've never truly known him, I've known the illusion of him .. Thinking i'm just so close to him .. Am I ? how much do i truly believe he Will help me .. I'm learning by experience he will and does care but I'm slow .. and I've never known anyone to be so loving, caring, accepting, etc.. outside the rooms of alanon ..
Thanks to all of you for reading this (I hope this reads sense) here's hoping you won't completely tire of me .. I'm still waiting for someone to type you're such a loser me .. just get it together, get over it, etc.. or as the addict would and has said .. snap out of it .. etc .. At the end of the day, I do know deep down, what I'm Really struggling with is Facing Myself .. I've made a complete mess of my life .. It's so very humbling .. here's hoping what God will do will continue to be Much better ..
funny how simple that reads in 'this moment .. the best way i have found to work my program is one day at a time. That would be So much easier if i could just
' Remember to keep things Simple ..
This is probably one of the most difficult periods in my life ever .. my dad is aged and not in the best health .. upcoming surgery, etc.. and one of my daughter's grandmothers isn't doing well either .. we're taking a trip out east to go visit her for the last time most likely .. I'm nervous .. This is my ab's family that is so big .. I feel it's only right we go to her if she can't come to us, yet i'm obssessing already ..
there seems to be so much grieving and losing around me lately .. I'm also recognizing the reality is .. my ab has more or less left (emotionally & mentally) some time ago; i just don't want to see it .. and yet I'm still going through the grieving process of facing this reality and letting go of him in my head .. In the meantime, however, we're travelling together and i'm Already feeling the phoniness, emptiness, isolation, anger, fear, anxiety, obssession, depression, panic etc., you name it .. funny thing is i keep thinking it's coming from Him .. (or will be because of him, etc.) losing my focus on me and keeping it on the alcoholic .. go figure .. typical alanoner most likely Right where I'm supposed to be .. completely powerless but not hopeless thanks to you and others like you !!
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 27th of July 2011 03:01:05 AM
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((MeTwo))) I, and many of the people here have been in the place you are right now- sad, fearful, isolated. But you've started your journey to recovery. However difficult it is right now, it does get better. Keep coming back, there is much love and support to be found here.
Metwo2 HUGS! This program only works when we actually do the work. Keep coming, you are in the right place. Get someone's number from your meetings and call them. Get real time support. When I started to do that, I started to feel better. Having someone to call made me get out of my own head. Coming here helps too. Reading the literature like One day at a time. Take care of you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
MT - I TOTALLY understand all that. That was a GREAT share, by the way - I needed that today!
It's an interesting time when you come to realize the exact nature of powerlessness. Sounds to me like you're fully embracing Step 1 - you know you're powerless, you were always powerless, and you will always be powerless, over someone else's drinking. This is a GOOD thing - this is necessary for recovery. We can't get better until we can completely accept that nothing we do will change the outcome of whether another person will drink or not.
Acceptance of reality (acceptance doesn't mean I LIKE something, just that I can recognize that it does, in fact, exist) is one of the biggest spiritual awakenings I've gotten as the result of the program. I lived in a fantasy world - kept trying to get back to this imaginary point in time where things were perfect. Except that now, when I look back without the illusion, I realize that that point in time only existed in my mind. Things were NEVER perfect - they only had what I believed was the POTENTIAL to be. I wanted what could potentially exist, not what DID.
It sounds to me like you're making tremendous strides in recovery. Keep working it - keep talking to program friends and coming here. You'll soon realize you're not isolated at all - there are a ton of people in your court backing you up.
This was a topic I also had trouble with. I had what I call a false sense of control and used manipulation tactics to achieve my goal. Today I know mnaipulation is a short term fix, never lasts. But you used the word " hope " a lot the illusion of hope This is what i have learned the hard way Hope is not an illusion...my son is my A and I will never give up HOPE for me though the problem came when I turnd "hope" into an "expectaion". Once I did that, if my son was gatting some sober time under his belt I got a quick kick to the gut when he would relapse. It took me a good long time to separate Hope from expectation I can expect the garbage truck will pick up my garbage once a week, that i will get mail 6 days a week etc I could NOT expect my son until he finds recovery and shows true growth to act like anything other than what he was, and thats an addict, and everything that goes along with this disease. Once I figured that out I was able to detach the son I adore from the disease I hate. Never give up Hope Blessings
I'll have to search the illusions thinking more, Rabbit .. looking back without the illusions .. If i'm honest with myself, there ofcourse would have been many illusions Even in that period when I thought things were better .. It's why I continued to use the reactions i'd learned & survival skills that got me nowhere .. like detachment with no love, etc.. I hid outside half the time my family was together smoking cigarrettes in my car for an escape .. Ironically, they were and are again .. ugh .. my survival & coping skills .. Interestingly enough, I spent a long time in my room getting ready before going with family anywhere .. isolating to different degrees and sometimes in a hidden subconscious manner .. literally biding my time .. Never thought there might have been a connection in that .. will help to remember if things were as perfect as i'd imagined them to be, i wouldn't have needed to distance so much ..
Thanks for each of my replies .. i'm so grateful for all of you here ..
Wow what you said about hiding out, that was soooo me. I was an only child and I really isolated myself when the craziness started. When it was just my mom I isolated from her (she had some major control issues it just wasn't worth it ha ha .. apple didn't fall far from the tree .. lol) when she married my s/dad WOW I really just would avoid being in the house at all. I would do anything to keep from being in the house because it was never my home at all. I did other self defeating behaviors, I had started drinking really heavily at that point. I'm sure I walk a fine line when it comes to alcohol addiction.
Anyway, like you said we survived in spite of the craziness and it is coping skills for a crazy environment.
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I come in and out of the illusion, even though the reality is, things will NEVER be the way they used to be, or the way I want them. Am I stubborn or maybe stupid? Maybe denial, big time. Dont want to give up the hope, but there really isn't any for my spouse or marriage. There is hope for me, Lyne
I went to a meeting this week on the topic of the 4th step and the word illusions was floating around the room. In regard to the fact that we never did have control over the alcoholics in our lives. Even when they did what we wanted, what we Really had was the illusion of control. For that matter, there were times with no program when i thought i had so much power to change the addict and again, it was the illusion of power, etc.. So .. I looked up the definition of illusion tonight in the dictionary and the definition defined it as building up one's hopes. Before program, the illusions kept my hope alive. The defect ? served it's purpose and denial helped me hold on until i could find something more. Tonight when I think of that definition, I realise the illusions also kept me hoping the addict would recover, etc.. In all these years, there has Never been a drug stop (for Real). Nothing has changed, and tonight I see that for what it is. Illusions Never really gave me hope at all .. They gave me the illusions of hope. So as I look at this situation, when it comes to the addict and myself, there is the hope he will someday recover, but today there is the recognition that if the addict isn't willing to better himself and clean it up, there isn't much reason for me to hope we can build a future (today). Feeding my illusions will only make them bigger so to speak .. It's so crazy when I think of how many illusions I had to have growing up too in order to survive such an emotionally neglectful atmosphere, I had to sink into a fantasy like world so to speak to survive it. To this day, I Feel like nobody loves me, will really ever accept me, or will ever realy want to hear what i have to say, etc., be with me .. I'm learning through meetings this isn't entirely true but it sure feels this way .. I feel alone, sad, fearful, lost, obssessive, compulsive and isolated beyond belief .. it feels entirely as my entire life is passing me by and for the first time in my life, I'm alone .. (not suicidal). to be truthful what I want is in reverse .. to learn to be the kind of person who loves, accepts, and approves of others without my past obssessions getting in the way, etc.. my subconscious insanity is waiting for others to give me these things Still so that I can finally get them myself .. I still have a part of me that truly Believes my self confidence, esteem, worth, approval, acceptance, has to come from Others .. Step 2 before the steps .. coming to believe every negative thing I tell myself or have heard in my past from others .. Even when it comes to my higher power (who for me happens to be God although I respect completely others' forms of higher power) .. I've never truly known him, I've known the illusion of him .. Thinking i'm just so close to him .. Am I ? how much do i truly believe he Will help me .. I'm learning by experience he will and does care but I'm slow .. and I've never known anyone to be so loving, caring, accepting, etc.. outside the rooms of alanon ..