The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so completely angry with myself. Angry that I'm so addicted to my addict. I've been doing pretty well. Stepping back, looking at an entire situation, an entire conversation...constantly looking to see if it's in MY best interest. I've been stronger than I've ever been before.
Until tonight.
ABF calls from jail at least once per day... sometimes twice on the weekends. Sometimes it's just a brief hi and thinking of you...sometimes it's a lengthy conversation.
So last night I relayed some information from his lawyer and he wasn't very happy with what he heard, so he cut the conversation short. I understand. I was fine with that. I went to bed and actually slept well.
But tonight.. nothing. Not a word. So now I'm sitting here upset... worried about what's going on...worried that HE is mad at ME for something. I'm being absolutely ridiculous. I know.
I seriously need to get a grip.
__________________
~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Serenity Prayer and let go and let God. Big hugs, and this will pass. I've done this exact thing to myself and know what it didn't change a thing. Worry never moved a rock and you are not going to worry HIM into calling you. If he's mad guess what he's mad, it's not going to change a thing. That's totally HIS choice. As Tom always says, what are you going to do about you?? Please have a wonderful evening, read a book (alanon lit if you have it) put on some of your fav music and enjoy the quiet of the evening.
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha ELEKTRAWMN...go rent yourself a good movie if you can't get to a meeting or call some Al-Anon buddies and go out for snacks. You're fine...with practice the addiction goes away and it's good to have something in its place when its done. (((hugs)))
I am new to this whole thing, but I def. know how you are feeling. These last couple weeks I have really been letting my AH get to me. There have been several nights where I wake up during the night to find that he is not home from work yet, that instead he went out drinking. I drive myself crazy with a million thoughts and try to call and hope that he will call me back, hope that he will come home. Then, when he finally does come home he goes right to sleep while I stay up for another hour or two at least with all the anxiety and thoughts running through my head. I can't seem to turn it off. It seems to me like you are feeling like this, too. Like you just keep having the same thoughts and worries over and over and wishing you could do something about it.
So, my challenge to the both of us to to try and let some of that go. To try to get ourselves back in control of our own thoughts and minds, because I don't know about you, but I am getting exhausted over here trying to keep up with it all!
I can totally relate to what you feel. I often have admitted to being "addicted to my addict." And I've been trained to do this for many years! I keep trying to remember to give my AH up to my HP and to keep the focus on my self-care. Prayers and meditation also work wonders for me. Sometimes I even just say my AH's name over and over again as a way of offering him up to my HP to take care of and for me to find serenity- even if it is for a few minutes at a time.
You think consistently with how I think, and many of us on here as well. Letting it go is such a simple principle, but takes a lot of will power and dedication, especially in the beginning. I think you did the right thing by bringing it here to the board. That is something that I've done also and have never been disappointed in the support and esh I recieved.
Dear ELECTRAWMN, as a "takeoff" on what Canadian Guy always says---what's gonna happen is gonna happen. Ultimately, HE and NOT YOU will decide what course he is going to take.
I think we all understand (and do not judge) how desperately you want the relationship to work. Since his disease in in the mix, you are essentially powerless over the outcome. He is also powerless over the outcome unless he sincerely chooses sobriety. His disease is very powerful. It shows no mercy. It will lie to him. It will seduce the both of you and then kick you in the butt. The disease does not care.
Sometimes the addict catches on early, mostly it takes a much longer time and for some, the disease wins. Much more will be revealed , in time.
As I see it now, your options are to trust yourself (and prepare yourself) to face whatever does happen. Your power and control lies in this--and only this. This does not necessarily mean that you don't "love" him. We don't always get to have those we love. There are times when we can only love at a distance. Trust me on this one.
In the meantime, I think the most helpful thing is to distract yourself---as the other posters have suggested---in the best ways you can.
Keep coming Electrawmn. For me what works is the slogan "when I got busy, I got better" Reading the literature, going to meetings, calling my sponsor, coming on here, doing things for just me like a bubble bath, walking, reading a book, doing art...all these things help me stop and get out of my own head. Go easy on yourself. maybe he needed sometime to think. Remain calm and don't react... Take care!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
