The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my husband and I attended the last IOP family treatment day. This is his last week in IOP.
I am so confused. I don't know which way is up or down. I am trying to focus on me, my program, and let him do his own work. Not a problem. When it comes to "asking for what I need," however, I am back to being afraid that I'll take an emotional/verbal beating. Nothing I say, no matter the tone or approach, no matter the motive, is OK. If I am honest and kind, and state a need or ask a question, then I'm "trying to control," etc.
My husband is very intelligent (as are most A's). He literally has a genius IQ. I have witnessed him manipulate counselors, recovery people, and now feel I am seeing him use his program to manipulate me. I see him using old tactics, now with recovery - surrounding himself with "recovery people" who are not able to challenge him. And, in fact, developing co-dependent relationships with some of them. Not my business, I know - even when it impacts our family life.
One of his fronts is now that I don't give him enough credit for the recovery work he is doing - which I can understand, and I apologized for, regardless of whether or not I believe that is true, it is his perception and I'm trying to respect that. It's interesting that he has never, not once, given me credit for being the only one working, at all (full time now), being the sole caregiver for our child, and working an al-anon program. Ok, fine, I may never have that. He is still using my past against me - as an excuse to invalidate me.
It makes me wonder if he is really after truth, or addicted to manipulation. Again, I know, it's not supposed my business. Really? I have to live, day in and day out, and supposedly learn to trust and have a marriage with this person - FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. If money weren't an issue right now, I think I might leave. What does that mean? Do I honestly want to leave my husband? The answer is yes, when I feel like I am not even in a marriage, that I do not have a "partner in life." I feel I am in a situation that drains me of every last bit of energy or sanity I have - and then he tells me I'm sick. REALLY? Who wouldn't be?
I want to apologize. I'm so tired of feeling this way, and feeling so negative. Thanks for letting me share.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
You have NO reason to apologize for how you feel. You are trying to heal under extremely stressful situation. I hope you are able to make it to a f2f, your time sounds so very limited. Be easy on yourself and keep reading some alanon lit it really helps a LOT. Self care, you have to do some self care right now it sounds like you are a hamster on a wheel and don't know how to get off sometimes you just have to stop so you can move forward.
Keep the focus on you, sending prayers and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't think it's necessary for any of us to apologize for our feelings. Whether people other people think they are right or wrong, feelings are a part of who we are. Nobody is judging, as most of us can relate to your particular situation.
Hugs, love and strength being sent that way!
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
That alcoholic is soooo fearful. Don't try to protect him from it cause it is probably the best bottom causer there is. I learned years ago that if an alcoholic could think themselves sober there would be no need for recovery. Manipulative doesn't equal smart in the least. Get your unconditional love and affirmations from your own recovery and keep offering him a smile. You know...the "Yeah I understand" kind.
I can only say whats working for me, going to meetings, getting support, I found a sponsor, and I will be working the steps. I read the literature and the best one for me right now is One day at a time in Alanon. If you have that book, July 5, 14 and 25 are all helping me right now in my situation. Keep coming, keep going to meetings, it works when you work it. I am learning to love myself and fill myself up first so that I can handle my day. I have to surrender my fiance to HP and give over the reigns so HP can help my fiance. We are powerless over everyone but ourselves, I have to remember for me to remain calm no matter what. Don't React and to go easy on myself. Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Nothing much to add, but I want to thank you for posting - I can very much relate and you helped me by writing about your situation. You helped me feel a little less crazy.
Appreciation, hugs, and strength your way, rara avis
