The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very alone and emotionally/physically exhausted. I have been married to my AH for less than a year. Before we married, I knew that he ocassionally took it a little too far when drinking with his friends, but it did not seem to be serious, just annoying. A little over a year ago we moved from the town where my husband grew up, to the state that I am from. We picked a city that we both thought was pretty cool, and began building our lives there. Suddenly, things started to change. AH began going out a lot by himself and getting really drunk. He also began drinking at home by himself more and more. We work different schedules, I work during the day and he works during the evening, which he said is the reason why he drinks at night to "unwind." At least that is what he said in the beginning. Now he says it is because he is depressed. He says that he has no friends here and he wants to go back to where he used to live. Despite him having "no friends" he manages to have people to go out and drink with several nights a week. When he drinks, he does not know how to put a limit on the number of drinks he has. He keeps going and going to try to stay on par with everyone around him, but then takes it to a whole other level.
There are many nights where I wake up at 2am, and he is not home yet. If I manage to get a hold of him, I find out that he is at the bar and "will be home soon." Often, he does not come home for another hour or two after that. I find myself ridden with anxiety, and unable to sleep, even after he does come home. He, of course, goes right to sleep, leaving me up for another hour or two before I can settle down enough to rest and my alarm goes off an hour or two after that. I just feel so drained. Every time I try to talk to him about the drinking he has an excuse or writes a sweet note or goes and lays down and pouts. I feel all alone in this because I am ashamed to talk to other people. The romance and trust that were originally in our relationship is gone, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Your story is quite common and understandable to all of us here, and your instincts are good ones.... Your hubby is using "where" as an excuse to drink (wherever I go, there I am).... if it isn't the town, then there will be some other excuse...
Alcoholism is said to be a 'cunning and baffling' disease, and truly is too much for us to try to handle on our own.... The bad news is that you can't "cure" him, but you CAN indeed do things for yourself (which may well, in turn, help him find his way). Choosing a program of recovery - for you - is key... Al-Anon meetings, posting here, reading great books on the subject - are all of significant help, and will assist you in getting past the shame and/or secrecy that you are struggling with....
Al-Anon reminds us of the "Three C's", in that we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, nor can we Cure it....
One of my favorite sayings - "he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I did find a meeting that I can go to tonight that says it deals with relationships. Does that mean romantic (spouses/dating) relationships specifically?
Enjoy the meeting and just keep coming back here there are so many people who can and will share their experience and hope. You will find that as well in the f2f meetings. :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to MIP. I am just so glad you are here. You could have taken a page out of my diary. I moved to the city my now husband lived in and whoa baby was I in for a ride. I know exactly where you are coming from as I have been where you are.
For me what helped break the cycle of pain, constant worry, and fear of the future was attending face to face meetings of Alanon. At the very least I was able to gain a greater understanding of the disease of alcoholism. There are people in the rooms that have walked similar paths and it helps to listen to them share.
You have not indicated whether or not you have attended a face to face meeting yet. It is suggested you attend six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is for you.
I must indicate that board is not Alanon. There can be no true substitution for the face to face meetings in the Alanon program. What we have here is wonderful gathering of people some in Alanon, other 12 step fellowships, or members who are not in a recovery program but looking for insight. So, keep that in mind as you are reading the boards. Stick around, get to know us a bit. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. I am just so happy to have the opportunity to welcome you to this special place.
Thank you all for your kind words. It helps boost my spirits.
In response to your question, Tommye, a few months ago I attended one meeting of the women's group. I saw an acquaintance there, and for some reason it made me a bit uncomfortable, so I did not go back. Well, that, and I struggled with admitting that I needed to be there in the first place. I did not want to believe that what was going on at home warranted me going. We have just started marriage counseling (well we both went to the first session and he was apparently too hungover to attend the second). I was able to speak to the counselor one-on-one and explain all my feelings about the drinking, and she suggested that I give alanon another chance. I am going to go to a meeting tonight, a relationships specific one, and see how it goes. I think I am at the point now where I realize how much I need it, but I won't lie, I am really really nervous about it. Just posting on here today has helped me though, and is starting to make me feel more comfortable about it all.
First off, some encouragement to you in going to Al-Anon - they say that we will choose recovery for ourselves, when we are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired"..... That sounds like where you are at, so I would believe that this is a perfect time for you to re-start your meetings and your program of recovery...
Second, and this is just my personal opinion - but I think marriage/couples counselling, while one partner is actively drinking, is an exercise in futility.... the addiction overwhelms everything.
Just my two cents
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hey Kay! You are in the right place. You will find so much siupport here. Also, keep going to the meetings. Don't get discouraged. I have only been to four meetings so far, but I just didn't feel in the right place at the first one, so I chose another site where I feel like I completely fit in, and it is helping!
Kay, for all of us there comes a point where we are so miserable that going to meetings and getting support is way more important than anything that might result from being spotted at a meeting or whatever. Sounds like you are there. I'm sorry you are having to go through this with your new husband. Remember, everyone you see at a meeting is there because they have the same issue also...
I don't know what it's like for you and your relationship, but I think you are in the right place to find a framework to learn more about the disease of alcoholism, how it can affect our lives, and how to heal yourself in the face of those difficult problems.
For me, I can see now that I had a hard time finally admitting to myself what was really going on in my relationship. I realized that I had been in my own denial for a long time and didn't want to face reality when it did not match my HOPES. I was devastated. When I finally accepted the truth of my life, that was the first step for making things better for me. I got a lot more peace after that....
I'd also add that I think marriage/couples counseling can be helpful even if one partner is an active alcoholic/addict. I think it can be very beneficial to set aside time and space with an objective 3rd party professional for the purposes of conversation and improving a relationship or improving life in general. I tried some counseling with my alcoholic/addict boyfriend. It didn't save our relationship, but I think it gave both of us some really valuable information about ourselves and each other. I think those conversations - especially if they're not happening at home - can help one or both partners eventually figure out what they really need and it might be treatment or AA or Alanon, etc. I also think that counseling for couples and individuals can go really well along with programs like Alanon. I'm no expert and it might not be for everyone, but I do think couple's counseling with an addict can be worthwhile and not completely futile. There have been some great discussion threads on the topic of individual counseling in the last week or so on this board. Maybe another topic for couple's counseling would be beneficial. I'm wondering about how other people feel and what their experience has been...
Hey everyone! Just got back from my meeting a little while ago, and I feel like it was a much better fit than the first one I had tried. I feel really great about it, hopeful even. Granted, I did go to my car and cry my eyes out after it was over, but I am feeling a bit like a good mess, if that makes any sense at all. I had gone into it with the thought that the relationships group dealt strictly with romantic relationships, which I think I was wrong about, but that is okay. I felt connected to everything that people were saying, which made me feel like it might just be the right place for me.
In regards to the couples/marriage counseling, I do feel like it is good for us at this point. Granted, we will see what happens tomorrow when it is time to get in the car and go over there. He may make another excuse for why he cannot attend, or he may want to go. It is really up to him. All I know, is that it seems to allow the opportunity for us to communicate in a healthier way then we sometimes do on our own since there is someone who can speak objectively from the outside. Also, I have a tendency to try to speak for him, and not give him the time to get out the things that he wants/needs to say. The counselor has acknowledged this, helped me acknowledge it and I am learning how to stop doing it. I feel like this is key in improving communication in our relationship as well as making my husband feel comfortable in expressing himself in a positive way.
Anyways, I will keep you updated on everything, and I really really appreciate all of your kind words. I already feel at home on this board, and I feel like it is an extension of the f2f where I can go a little more in depth when I need to.
Doozy - I really like your idea about adding the topic about marriage counseling. You should go for it, because I would love to see what people have to say!
Hi there and welcome here. I can say from experience that couples counseling did not help my relationship with my abusive ex-husband. It turned into a session of him not saying anything and the counselor turning to me and only seeing my issues. It then turned into a session to help me only and not us together. So for that it was futile and a waste of money. My Ex never took any time to speak from his side of the story nor did he tell his part in it or take any blame. We are divorced now because we could not stop arguing. The man I am with now is my A. I go to alanon because of his drinking, but alanon works in all our affairs and has helped me see my part in a lot of my past relationships. Alanon really does help, the face to face meetings have helped me so much. Reading the literature like One day at a time in alanon, courage to change and the book Getting Them Sober. See we have to want this new way of life more than ANYTHING else in order for us to get better and to get off the A's back so they can be their own person and deal with their own consequenses. Take care of you, keep coming, get to meetings, read the books and remember you are worth it :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hello and welcome! Your story sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes I'd get up to go to work in the morning and my A still wouldn't be home. He wouldn't answer the phone and I wouldn't know whether to be angry, scared, concerned, etc. I constantly felt sick in the pit of my stomach.
Alanon meetings helped tremendously. I realized that I don't have to feel this way or continue to be sick.
I don't believe that counseling with an active A would be productive. He won't be capable of telling the truth in counseling any more than he's capable of telling it any other time. Alcoholism is a disease of insanity - lies go with it. There were plenty of times my Ah told me something and I knew he was sincere when he said it. Still, when he was drinking, he wasn't capable of following through. This lead to me feeling lied to and resentful. I've learned that it's better to not set myself up to feel that way.
Since we are just starting off with the counseling, I am not sure how it will go. My plan is to just see what happens. If he wants/is willing to go then I feel we should. If it starts to become a struggle where I feel like I am pushing him to go, then we will stop, and I will pursue individual counseling.
I just don't want to say "hey you aren't ready" if he feels like he is or at least wants to give it a shot. Tonight is appointment 3, so we will see if he decides to go or not. Here is to hoping he does, but being willing to accept it if he doesn't....
