The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel insecure and shy most of the time. Recently, I have been remembering incidents from my childhood (mostly things my dad said or did) that really, really hurt, and probably played a large role in me growing up to be this shy and insecure.
Those memories hurt, and thinking about them is making me feel worse, not better. There is a little validation in them ("I'm not just crazy, anybody would be messed up after..."), but it comes coupled with a bad mood and a sense of hopelessness because I have no idea how to move on from them.
Part of me thinks I should just distract myself with something more pleasant whenever memories come up -- the past is the past, and it can't hurt me now unless I let it. Another part of me thinks if I want to fix where I am now, I need to understand how I got here, because the past does influence my behavior whether I think about it or not.
...this is one of those times when I'm glad Al-Anon works by sharing experience instead of advice. I know everybody's different, and there is no one solution to this... but I would really like to hear about other peoples' experiences with this decision.
For me, I dredged up enough of the old memories of abuse (mostly verbal, occasionally physical) from my stepfather so I could evaluate those things from the standpoint of an adult. I carried the negative memories with me into my adulthood, and allowed them to influence my behavior. I hated it and wanted to stop. I went to see a counselor, and went over some of the memories. When I said them out loud and described them and allowed myself to remember them, I got very angry. I was angry for a few weeks - like the stuff had just happened or something. I felt the anger. Then I felt the sadness thinking about an adult treating a child the way I was treated...thought about myself in the shoes of my own two precious little boys. They don't deserve abuse - and neither did I. After I processed the repressed emotions about what happened, I was a lot more at peace. Those things happened, but I don't need to give my power over to them anymore.
This is one topic that I have only touched on in Al-Anon briefly from time to time. I felt more comfortable discussing abuse with a counselor. That's just my ESH - take what you like and leave the rest.
I used to think that thinking about memories like that would help me realize the truth of things and move on, but then I read that that kind of thinking (the psychs call it "brooding") is correlated with depression. Boy, that made sense. I've recently been reading that replacing the memories with happy memories in your mind doesn't work that well either. The current recommendation seems to be to be able to get a bit of distance and realize that our minds do that. My therapist calls it "the Fox News" because it's so full of violence, dramatic incident, etc. She recommends to say, "Ah, there goes the Fox News again," or "Ah, I see my mind is doing that again," and then bring my attention back to the present and what's going on. I read on these boards once the saying, "Recovery is when your mind and your body are in the same place." And "Look at your past, but don't stare at it." That's when I realized how much I tended to watch the Fox News of my mind! It's quite a challenge to see how automatic it can be for me. But when I can get out of it, getting detached can help my recovery a lot.
Aside from my son being an A it is my past that got me here. I had supressed much of my past and after 2 horrid car accidents I was diagnosed with PTSD and my past came flooding back so quickly and I had NO coping skills what so ever to deal with it. So if you have the chance to deal with it slowly by working this program I would encourage that. Blessings
I like what Mattie shared: Look at your past, but don't stare at it. There are variations of that saying.... and it's one of my favorites. For me, I feel I need closure...over a number of things, and if I don't get that closure, then I will not only think about it, but, if I allow myself to, I'll obsess and go over every single detail, analyze ect... I have not dealt with all there is to deal with, but I do find that the issues or incidents I feel I have closure on I am mush easier able to put in the past... and focus on now. Not to say I'll never think of those incidents again, but that's all it will be, I'll think about them, and move on.
My therapist said something like "people heal in various ways and it's different for everyone, you have to discover what works best for you"... and she went on to use the example of an affair, emotional or physical (my husband had an emotional affair). Some women want to know ever single possible detail (that's me) others are more comfortable discussing how to move forward and not druging up what happened.
But, I did have to be careful in my line of questioning and ask myself, why do I want to know this detail? Why does it matter? If it mattered because it could provide clarity on some contributing factor, or help me to understand something better, me, or him or motivations, ok...that's fine, if I was wanting to hear a specific answer like "well you provide that better than she did" or "I love you more"... then I'm just setting myself up for dissapointement with my expectations and validation seeking.
Ialso want to understand how I got here... and I think part of that, for me anyway, is understanding where I come from, and how that shapes who I am.
The past is the past however if we base our behavior out of the past then we aren't really living in the present. I don't know if that makes sense, it's kind of how I look at it. The past needs to be addressed, it's not going to change the past, we only can change our actions of the future.
I've spent a lot of time wishing and wanting the parents I deserved and the reality is that's just not who they are and that's ok. Rehashing the past and expecting a different result is an action of fruitless pursuits. I'd rather say ok, yes that did happen and that's why I react in this fashion how do I do this better going forward. So much is attached to coping skills and let's face it no matter what our past was how horrific, or Beaver Cleaver, it was the reality is we survived in spite of what happened to each of us and that's a good thing. As children we have no power in dealing with the adults in our life, as an adult I get to choose and I take a lot more comfort in that statement. What I'm learning to do now is figure out HOW do I really want to act in specific situations. I can go with old tapes or try my new tapes that are a lot more productive for me.
The fact that everyone heals at a different pace is very true. Be gentle with yourself. Whatever happened to you as a child or in the past, you were powerless in that situation and that's a frightening place to be, at least it sure was for me. The coping skills you learned were more likely survival skills to make it through to the next day, incident or whatever again, we are human and we do the best we can and you are still here so it obviously worked for you. Now it's time to find out what will work for the adult you.
So bringing up the past is ok as long as you know not to live there and stay there, I think Jerry or RLC has a great quote about the past I can't think off hand I need to write those down because they are great reminders that the past happened we choose to stay there or move forward. :)
Hugs again, keep coming back you are so worth it :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I like what others have said here. I had childhood trauma that needs to be dealt with and I am doing so now with this spiritual program. I can look at my past and begin to start feeling my own feelings now because I am here. I feel safer than I ever did in therapy or counseling. The meds they put me on at one point for depression and anxiety have fallen away and now I am facing life on life's terms. ONe day at a time. One moment at a time. I have abandonment issues as well, and I do happen to fall into that hole sometimes. I am learning to stay off that street of despair and learning how to keep my attitude in check, calling my sponsor and meeting with her after meetings. This board has helped me so much in the last year. Posting here is always a good thing :0) Keep coming, you are worth it! Looking at the past through working the steps is probably the best way to handle it. The book Waking the Tiger is another great resource for handling past traumas. HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I had plenty of those childhood problems. It seemed like anything I did was wrong and I left the family home at 16.
I had to look at the anger and behaviors carried from my childhood into adulthood. The awareness was just not there for me to realize how I effected others with those open wounds.
Since my parents are deceased I decided to go to the cemetery to pray, apologize for my part and look for more awareness. It helped me a lot toward forgiveness and understanding how my life had been effected for so long.
I have started to think about more possible behaviors I had as a child that may have come with me into adulthood. As a very active child I must have been enough to try anyones patience. It is not to beat myself up but to improve further today.
One focus I have had lately is about hindsight just being a way for history to not repeat itself. Foresight is so much more beneficial. Hindsight is less important if I remembered not to walk off a cliff in the first place.
For me it really helped lighten my load by going through several forth steps and looking at my part in the past. What I have found is that I stuffed my feelings and some terrible events of my life down so deeply that the only emotion I could comfortably relate to and express was anger. I felt like a shell of a human being. But the beauty of the 12 steps is that it gave me a framework that peeled my onion slowly.
I feel like my HP brings to my attention things of my past that are buried alive. My onion is peeled not all once because I think that would be too painful. Layer after layer my HP is sheding what is not authentically me and He stands beside me as it is He that removes these defects of character and shortcomings which blocks me from being of service to others.
There are a list of AA promises in the BB. Two that I love in particular are "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" and "we will see how our experience will benefit others". So, yes, to me there is value in every experience I have had, albeit painful ones. I use them to help others who are still struggling inorder to pass on the hope of the program.
Thanks for the posts! This has been a very interesting and helpful discussion about something I've been thinking a lot about! Another book that has been helpful for me is Healing the Child Within.
Looking at my past has helped me understand part of why I sometimes feel so shy and insecure. Then, I'm trying to use that understanding to help me move past those feelings and feel more confident. Looking at the past has helped me to find some explanations that I could work with to feel better.
I think some of our families have tended to "sweep things under the rug"... They can take on a life of their own under there, having effects we don't even realize! Ignoring old pain and negativity won't necessarily make it go away. Some of those things need to see the light of day and be released to a higher power and then we can be free!
