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I think dh is dealing with serious depression now. He hasn't had a drink in quite some time as he says he doesn't even want it. Nothing stirs him, nothing inspires him, he feels nothing. Here's what I typed up to a friend via email this AM:
I hadn't been bugging dh about his therapy sessions nor had I been asking much of anything. I've just been giving him his space. Last night we were up late talking because I couldn't take the silence and emotional disconnect any longer. Turns out he actually told his psychologist that he wanted to be committed to an in patient program. He kept talking about moving out and how that's the best thing for ds and that he doesn't want ds to turn out like him. He thinks he's extremely toxic and that his toxic personality isn't good for us and that he should probably move out.
He says he's ruined ds and that the only hope ds has is to separate himself from dh's influence. He told me it would take too many years to reverse the damage he's already done and he's not sure he's capable of reversing it anyway because he's such a negative person to begin with. He told me he feels no emotions at all, he can't give me anything emotionally in the marriage right now, he says he's in survival mode just trying to cope and get through the day.
I was up all night going through the scenarios and wondering what really is best for ds. I can see where dh is coming from yet I'm not ready to parent on my own. So, there's a whole lot of fear going on in my head right now. A part of me wants to just keep trucking along and see how he does with therapy. If he's that far into a depressive incident then he needs me around to support him even if it is from a distance(emotionally, etc), but at the same time I know that he has the potential to snap at any moment. He was referred to a psychiatrist to be evaluated and then get on meds. The psychologist is very concerned about dh and put dh at the top of his cancellation list so that he can get back with him soon(his first avail. appointment was Aug 15).
Then, I started thinking about ds and how he's made comments about 'not wanting us to divorce'. Well, what kid really WANTS that anyway? Then I think about how every time we travel: ds never asks to call dad nor does he ever say "I miss dad". If I didn't ask him if he wanted to talk to dh on the phone, I don't think he'd give it another thought. Is that normal? For a 12 year old boy to NOT mention his father for 8 days except maybe in passing but not to express any loss or desire to get home to see him? Probably not. Sigh. So, there's the other part of me that wants to let him go, maybe a temporary separation where he moves out and ds and I try it on our own and dh gets deep in repair mode and we see how it goes. He told me that he is just starting this journey and it's not going well. All this therapy is making him agitated, bringing up the past, the pain, and the anger so I think he really meant it when he said he maybe should move out.
I don't know what to think or do anymore, except pray. Ds and I are leaving for a tournament and will be gone until Sunday. I know we'll all appreciate the break. I have no idea what may lay in store for us in the future. Prayers appreciated.
Remember to keep your head where your feet are - in today. There is no way to predict what is going to happen tomorrow, and it just causes fear and anxiety and steals the joy from today when we try.
If your husband has hit rock bottom, he can make a change. Only he can decide what bottom is, and what changes he wants to make for himself. Speculation about where he's at takes the focus off of your own recovery. What will you do for yourself today?
Dear Ilovedogs, I share your same concern about your husband being seriously depressed (at least that is what it SOUNDS like). Apparently, he feels the same way. Depression is serious business in my opinion.
He can go to a hospital emergency room and be admitted to an in-patient unit--he woulddn't necessarily even have to be "committed". At least he wold be safe there and not home alone. He could get the evaluation by competent peofessionals and started on the appropriate medications (if that is what is warrented).
I have done this before with a seriously depressed friend.
These are my thoughts. Your other decisions can be made as the situation evolves and you are recieving support for yourself.
This is a tough situation, I know. Keep the faith!
My guess is that he should think of what's best for him and his recovery, and whatever gets him well into recovery will be the best for your son.
My own son (age 10) gets along well with his dad and has, to my knowledge, never seen him drunk, but doesn't bother to ask about him much. We have spent a year away and they email every once in a while, and his dad came to visit, but in between he doesn't express much about him. My reading on it is that he feels secure and also interested in what else we are doing.
Whatever the truth may be about your son, I always remember the saying, "Put on your own oxygen mask first..." If we're earnest in our own recovery, that's the best way to help our children. That goes for your husband too, I would think. He's getting to the age to be old enough for Alateen. Coping with a parent with visible addictions or depression, it helps to have some understanding of what's going on and to be able to talk about it.
Your husband may decide to go into recovery, which would be great, but that's also a long and hard road. All the more reason to take very good care of yourself and your son no matter what happens. Hugs.
I would caution you first of all on predicting that your husband has hit his bottom. None of us knows what another persons bottom looks like, we think we do because we gage it on what we think our bottom would be and place that expectaion on the A. And I say all that from experience of my own having grown up with this disease and now watching my son struggle with it. I have never known an A that isn't depressed. And when they stop self medicating ( if they do ) they become more depressed as they look back at the collateral damage they have caused. Awesome your husband is in therapy and open to going into a treatment program. He is right when he says he can't undo all the damage he has done. Nor can we. He hasn't reached the point in his recovery where he can understand that he doesnt have to undo the damage and should he continue with his program, change his behaviors while he can't change the past he can do better going forward. By the time I reached the doors of alanon I felt very much like your husband does. I was severly depressed and I saw absolutly no hope for any kind of happy future and I honestly didn't care, I didn't care about anything at all. You mentioned you feel you should be there to help him through his depression. I wish you could. My husband did all he could to help me while I was glued to the couch just aimlessly watching TV. And there was certainly a part of me that was grateful for that but at the time I really didn't care about his efforts either. If we had insurance i am pretty sure I would have ended up hospitalized, I wasnt sucidal I had just given up on myself. There was nothing my husband could have done to help me, I almost would have preferred to just be left alone period. And I am not an A I was just clincally depressed. Walking thru the doors of alanon was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not only was I getting help in dealing with my son I met so many people who had experienced my level of depresssion and hopelessness and they shared with me how they helped themselves. I tried things that they did and little by little i found myself getting my life back. My husband couldnt have been more grateful. Today while still not "cured" i can recognize when i am slipping and get myself back on track. I guess what I am trying to say is listen to what your husband is telling you and what he thinks will help him. Alhtough my children were adults when I went into my depression I can tell you it had a tremndous impact on thier lives. They watched the mother they knew to be strong and confident reduced to a shell of a person. That was absolutly humiliating to me. My daughter who was always my biggest supporter left home and vowed never to return. And she hasnt for 3 yrs. She will communicate from time to time and I have made my ammends but all to no avail. To her i am now damaged goods so to speak and wants nothing to do with me. She also blames me for her brothers addiction as he slipped farther into it while i was depressed. So yes I am sure it is having a big impact on your son, and if possible I would recommend if he is old enough attending alateen or going into his own couseling. Wishing you the best Blessings
Thanks Xeno for your words of support. I had a friend tell me that I should explain to ds that dh has an illness that, even though it doesn't manifest itself in a physical way, it's something that we need to show compassion for while setting up healthy boundaries for ourselves. Ds knows I'm in counseling and I asked if he wanted to go back(he's gone before a few years ago for his own anxiety issues) and he said no. He said he'd tell me if he wanted to, though. He's a great kid and I try to spend a lot of time with him deprogramming him from dh's negativity and poor example, etc. He knows that some of the things that dh does is not acceptable and that it's not healthy behavior. I don't compare dh to other kid's dads or anything, but I do tell ds that his example is lacking character or discipline or is immature and that since dad always apologizes he accepts it pretty well.
Keep up hope. There is also support for you through NAMI...which is the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. There are support groups for family members of people suffering from mental illness. Also, not judging your husband as I take meds for depression too. Meds and therapy together make all the difference. Once he starts meds, I think you will see a big difference. What you are describing sounds like a serious clinical depression. Your son is probably scared of what is going on with dad and he doesn't know how to react. I sure he loves his father.
