The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
5 years after leaving the ex A I am still climbing out the pit his alcoholism and drug addiction left behind. The bankruptcy, emotional, physical and financial. The exhaustion, the fear, resentment, sense of overwhelming despair. Letting the ex A go was just one small part of it. Rebuilding a life after alcoholism has destroyed everything it its path is really difficult but it is a choice. I could have gone down with the ship as the ex A did. Getting back to a place where there is a "balance" is not easy and sometimes I feel like I am still drowing in his catacycsmic mess!
I think God has answered some of my prayers. Apparently the new neighbor is going to be someone in recovery. That doesn't mean his life is fabulous, what it means is that I won't be dealing with quite as much chaos and crises as before. I've had neighbors who were in early recovery before and they were not exactly easy to live with. Nevertheless their behavior was not as unrelentingly self destructive as an adddict in full glory!
A few years ago I found myself really enthused by Amy Winehouse's LP Black to Black. I related to the rebellion, the defiance and the anger. I think it was one of the first times I had to admit I was really drawn to the darkness and rebellion of alcoholics and addicts. After reading what her parents had gone through with her addiciton and the chaos and crises of her life I was not as taken with the music and lyrics and persona. Of course I could still appreciate her as an artist and her voice but the rebellion didn't hit the same buttons as it once did! I'm sad this weekend her life took that critical turn. At the same time I'm surrounded by people whose addiction's are taking them on a very similar path they may not have access to unlimited funds to pursue it to the end but the path is inevitable if they don't seek recovery. I don't have to act shocked or angry or find someone to blame. I don't doubt for one second her parents in particular did everything they could to help her.
I've always been willing to share that "path" with an alcoholic and addict and seek something noble in that. I think now that for me personally it was part of my own self hate, lack of self and complete inability to take responsibility for my life as an adult. I shared their raging (speficially that was one of the things the ex A and I always agreed on "its not fair!") that I didn't have someone to offload it "all" on. I say that as someone with a sister who's been alcoholic since she was 16 and is now middle aged. I saw my role as someone who was trying to "fix" her and be angry at her and grieve about not having a sister. I couldn't get to the part of the disease and how unrelenting it is in taking someone down. I could only see 'my' part in either struggling to "rescue" her "fix" her "confront" her or reject her. There wasn't any other alternative. Now there is but it didn't come to that point without being in the other places beforehand.
The irony was that with the ex A I did offload so much responsibility (so I thought it was the you take care of me and I'll do the codependent, fix, rescue and reject number above) and he took it to the point of almost destroying me, our home, our belongings, our garden, our cars, our truck, our animals, our mutual denial, and most of all our mutual health. My need for the codependent, fix, rescue, reject was so strong that I was willing to obliterate everything and destroy myself in the process.
Dear marsie, I just heard about Amy this morning. I shed a few tears---even though I had not really followed her musuc in particular. I cried for her struggle and I cried for her parents. I know that all the parents of children in the grip of alcoholism think of her parents when they hear the story. I so hope that her story will, in some way, lead some others to help.
Thank you for your share. You show courage and strength.
I first saw something about Amy W and I thought it was a bad joke and realized how real it was, it is sad to see someone with so much talent take that road. So sad so young. I can't imagine what her parents/family are going through right now.
Thanks for the share,
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your awareness and clarity are powerful gifts of working this program. I am glad to share the journey with you. I too expected to "take care of my alcoholic husband but then hid behind him to take care of me" It did not work as you have so wisely pointed out.
Thank you for your share. It's inspiring to read the insights of those who have gone before me in this program and feel so much commonality and understanding.
I do feel for an alcoholic who sucumbs to the disease. At the same time al anoners often die from the disease too:
When I was with the ex A I was hospitalized 3 times.
1. Asthma - I did not take care of it.
2. Infections - I did not take care of them. The ex A said I wasn't that ill and I believed him to the point of almost dying - I was in the hospital for a week.
The ex A went to the doctor all the time. I didn't. I felt that I didn't deserve to. He didnt' feel the same way at all!
