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Over the past few months there have been a few nights that my husband has gone out drinking, gone overboard and started gambling. The first time he did this was also the first time he'd just gone out drinking and refused to come home (he typically doesn't go out drinking at all much less not come home). That night I thought to check our checking account on-line just to see where he was and was surprised to learn that he had withdrawn several hundred dollars. I immediately transferred the rest of our money into the savings account. He got pissed and called me, demanding that I transfer at least a few hundred back where he could access it. He came home shortly after. We talked a few days after and he apologized. It's happened twice since. Most recently last night.
This may be a useless question because he told me he's leaving today after he wakes up...that he's through with our relationship. I've no idea where all this has come from.
Anyway...my actual question is...how do you handle money when a spouse has these out-of-control times? I can't really just not let him have access to the account. It doesn't make sense to me either to totally keep seperate accounts since we're sharing our lives we are essentially paying for the same things. Even if the accounts are separate it's still essentially OUR money he is blowing. We are stable financially but certainly not in a position to blow a couple hundred dollars like that.
Been there, done that.... We both work, you didn't state if you both do. What we did was to get seperate accounts. Then we split the bills. I pay mine, he pays his. The "other" stuff (gifts, etc..) we discuss and decide who will pay for what. If this hadn't worked for us, I was prepared to get my name off the accounts he pays for. (Trying to protect my credit) but up to this point, I haven't had to.) We have been married 30+ years and I had ALWAYS handled the money. When he got out of control, he used our debit card like it was free money. The way we do it now, it makes him more in control and he knows what he has to pay and what he can afford to spend. It has also made him accountable and gave him some of his self respect back. I think it also help him in his recovery. He has been sober about 16 months.
I am new to MIP, only a couple of days now and I would like to say that you are not alone, I too have been there and done that. My AH would take off and spend his entire paycheck gambling and then start hitting the ATM. That happened so frequently that it became normal to have the phone or cable cut off. When the electric was cut off for non payment I hit MY bottom and went to the bank. I had my name taken off the joint account and opened one of my own. At least I knew I would be able to pay our bills. That was 4 years ago.
Since then we made arrangements where he hands me X dollars per week toward household expenses and keeps the rest for himself. If he decides to be selfish with it so be it but it gives him the feeling of control over his finances while still allowing us to have the means to live.
I too felt like "we are married, we should have joint everything" but I learned that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive. I took control of that part of my life as to not end up on the street.
In just 2 days I feel a little more in control of ME by joining MIP, and have found out that there are so many folks in the same boat as me. I am learning to read every post I can and reading the responces from a lot of the senior members who have "been there, and done that" and God knows it is giving me the courage to help myself.
We both do work. Actually he benefits a lot from the account being joint. He makes minimum wage and I make a little over double what he does. My only debt is my home (mine from before we married...we never put his name on it). He has a son whom we pay child support for and daycare plus about $25,000 in student loans. To me, it doesn't make a difference though if you are working toward the same goals.
It's so odd to me because he is, in general much more frugal than I. He's actually a good influence on me to curb spending...just when he drinks it goes down the toilet.
He left though. Packed a bag and said that he planned to head west (?) and would be homeless for a while. He left his keys and his phone. I told him to call me even if it was just to send him his things. He told me to throw them out or sell them.
I am so confused. We haven't been fighting or anything :(
I have separate checking/savings accounts and credit cards. My car is in my own name. Our house is in my name. It wasnt always that way. It is just something we had to do as a family as a result of civil actions against him for which my savings/checking accounts were garnished because of joint account status. Since then, everything has been separate.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you found us. It sounds as if your husband is on some kind of bender, alcoholic or emotional or both. That can be very hard. I hope you can look for an Al-Anon meeting in your area (try several as they are all different). You will find many people who have experienced similar things and have come out the other side.
In my experience the alcoholic's declaration that he's going to leave and change everything and leave it all behind may not last long. Whether it does or doesn't, the fact that he is behaving so unreliably is extra reason to take very good care of yourself. You are thinking about the relationship and your shared goals and bank accounts and the rest, but he is in the grip of insanity and the bottle. In those circumstances we need to protect ourselves, the same way we would if they were psychotic and hearing voices telling them to empty the bank accounts, or any other version of insanity.
I hope you can get to a meeting, gather your support group around you, and keep coming back. Hugs to you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds very stressful and painful. I've never been in that position myself, but watch a very good friend go through something like that. As terrible as it sounds, you really might want to see a lawyer. My friend's alcoholic ex-husband was on a path to ruin their family's finances and they had kids to care for. For her, it turned into a legal separation and then divorce. There are different answers for everyone, but in her case, it took legal help to maintain a little bit of financial security for the family. You might also find help through your bank. Maybe there's a manager or someone in customer service that could give some guidance.
Either way, I have found so much comfort and learned so much in just a couple months with Alanon. The face-to-face meetings and readings and this board have been so wonderful for me and I feel so much better than just a month ago as my relationship was ending with ABF. I really hope you are able to find some comfort and strength during this tough time for you as well.
This disease is so overwhelming at times. I am so sorry to hear your pain. Get to meetings and find a sponsor and take care of you! Find some Al-anon books and read away. When I was in the worst of it that is what I did and I grew and became better for it. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was very helpful. I am sending you love and support.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
