I was married to an A many years ago, and that is how I originally found Alanon. My AH said he had to put his recovery first, before our relationship. I wanted to go to every AA meeting with him, and for a while he let me. But eventually of course he got tired of that, and other members probably told him it was wrong. So I went to Alanon instead. I can't say I really loved my AH at that point, since he had been such a drunk for so long. I think he met women in AA who never knew the mean old drunk and only saw his new recovered self. I didn't know about letting go of resentments at that time, so I probably was not as positive as I should have been.

Well anyway, he suddenly decided the marriage was over, after he was in AA for a year. It was a very traumatic experience for me.

I'm SO sorry for you loss.  Alcoholism is a cunny, baffling disease.  But, I did want to let you know that not all relationships end in divorce.  My AH has been in recovery about 16 months.  I won't lie to you.  There have been some rough spots and through the Alanon program, I have learned to let go of the resentments and forgive.  I will also let you know, that I don't resent the AA meetings that he attends. He goes 2-3 times a week and I attend Alanon once a week.  The other two nights, is "my" time to myself. One night, I go out for supper with friends and the other night is my "tv" night.  I am so happy that he attends because it helps him so much and he always comes home so positive.  Even if he had not found sobriety, I would never have wanted him to "pass" even if our relationship did not survive.  Before this last rehab, he was very close to death and I really didn't know if he would survive.  I am SO glad that he did. I hope this helps you a little bit. Every relationship is different with different circumstances.

I wish you peace, Della and hope your future is bright.

Dear Della, my heart goes out to you for your loss.  May time and the memories of what was good bring you comfort down the road.

As sweetstanley says, each relationship and circumstance is unique to the individuals involved. Thanks for sharing yours.

Good to see you posting again.  Please stay around.

Sincerely, Otie

Thanks, guys.

It honestly never occured to me couples could grow apart when the A recovers. I've always had visions of him getting better and then appreciating all I did for him (incurable romantice I am!). It also never occured to me that I needed recovery too as I felt he had the drinking problem, not me.

I know that wanting him to recover at any cost to myself is the 'right' thing, but it would take a very secure and selfless woman to want that. And I'm not sure if I am that woman yet.

Della,

Allow me to be the messenger of good news  :)

I will be married for 25 yrs this Nov.  For 19 of those yrs my husband was lost in the disease.  He has been sober for 6.  I no longer call him "my A", he deserves the title of "husband".  He has worked hard to put all the pieces of our lives back together, as have I.  We're a rock solid team.  I could gloat and go on and on about how wonderful I think my husband is and how grateful I am to have this life...but I won't, lol.  I just want you to know that there are miracles and I'm a grateful recipient.

Christy

 

Della, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to understand what you're feeling. Prayers for you in this hard time.

I haven't had any of the A's in my life pass from the disease at this point. Two of them are still drinking. Although I hate to see them consumed by the disease, and choose not to interact with either when they have been drinking, I would much rather it be that way then having either of them pass.

My AH has been sober for about 2.5 years. I was not able to have a real relationship with him while he was actively drinking because the nature of his alcoholism kept him drunk around the clock. If he was awake, he was drinking. Even if he was physically present, he was mentally gone. This left no room for any relationship with anything other than the bottle. When he got sober, his whole job for a while was to stay sober. He had to go to multiple meetings a day, do service work, meet with sponsor, etc. This didn't leave him much time either, but at least he was mentally present.

These days, we have a wonderful relationship. We go to some open AA meetings together, although we primarily focus on our own respective recoveries and don't take each other's inventory. I'm so very grateful every single day.

Although we each have things we do that don't involve the other person, whereas before I was totally on top of everything he tried to do - to the point that we were more or less ONE person, I would not say that we've grown apart. I would say we've just GROWN. We've gone from a sick relationship that was entirely focused on drinking/stopping the drinking to one where there are three elements: me, him, and us. We are individuals now, in addition to being a married couple. Before recovery, I thought that being one person was the goal in a marriage. I now realize how unhealthy my perception was. Becoming 2 individual people would've seemed scary to me before recovery. I couldn't let go enough for that to happen. But when I got better, I got a different perspective.

I don't know how accurate it is to say that many marriages with recovered A's don't survive. Many marriages don't survive anyway - whether one person is drinking or sober. I don't have any knowledge of the statistics, but it seems to me that it would be hard to say that if 50% of marriages end in divorce where the A finds sobriety, and then correlate the divorce rate to recovery. Maybe those couples would've gotten divorced either way. In a vacuum, maybe the statistic is accurate. However, when compared to the general divorce rate, is it really substantially higher? Just a thought - my .02. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)