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This is my first post, so I'll try to be brief. My husband has been in AA and NA for almost 20 years and has been sober for 13. I married him 6 years ago. I sat in the rooms of AA and NA for two years with him. I learned in these rooms that men should work with men and women with women. He even shared about how often he saw disasterous effects from not following the guidelines. He has a disability and is actively finishing college for drug & alcohol recovery counseling. We both had bad childhoods, parents who were alcoholics and issues with bad marriages. I got diax with cancer in 2007 and after 2 surgeries, radiation treatment and pain management issues, I have been cancer free for one year.
The issue is that I've been detoxing from tramadol which was given to me for my pain and I was told it wasn't addictive. It doesn't give euphoria, but cuts pain. After 2.5 years, it stopped working and had vicious side effects. My H who should know and understand dealing with physical addictions, has really hurt me this week.
During a time when I really need him, another woman from our church who is having issues trying to stop drinking confided in him and instead of him hooking her up with the woman who runs the recovery program he was at her house until 1:00am. He didn't bother to call to let me know what was going on and when he told me after the fact, he said he did nothing wrong. When I bought up the rules I learned and he reenforced - he said it was a crisis. She has called him since and I can't believe I caved in at first because I was being a good al-anon.
When I decided to stand up for myself and how he could leave me when I desperately needed him to help another women - he said it was innocent and nothing happened. Many words went back and forth and I opened up to my stuffing feelings and now he needed to know it was not ok. Today at church, I showed up late because I was dealing with back and leg pain. When I got there he walked me up to the woman and said this is xxx who I helped. She is holding our place. I thought my blood pressure was going to shoot through the roof.
I looked at her with darts and turned away from her. I told my husband to get me some water. There was a potluck at church and we were in line. I could not eat. When I sat down with a friend, he was going around talking to others and at one point she was at a table with another woman. My husband hugged them both and that was it. I walked up to the table and introduced her to the woman who she should be talking with - the woman who works 12 steps with other women. I told her having a married man in her home until 1:00am was unacceptable and she - who has been in the rooms knows the rules. I then told her that he was my husband and to leave him alone - lose his number - and don't talk to him.
My husband was very upset with me, but I'm not enabling any 'xxxx'. Even if he thought it was innocent, when a woman is fragile and is fighting off drinking and has a sad story that someone abused her and she's looking for a rescuer - even a man who thinks he has it all together can be caught up in the snare. I've seen happen too many times. Does anyone have opinions about this. My al-anon has my head going in many directions about the whole thing right now.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 26th of July 2011 01:24:37 PM
While I do think that, in general, it is best for people to work towards recovery with members of their own sex to avoid romantic/sexual attraction, I also think it is dangerous to turn "in general" into "always" (for example, some gay/lesbian members may prefer an opposite-sex sponsor -- or if your sponsor is 40 years older than you are, gender sorta becomes irrelevant...).
On the other hand, if you calmly and rationally explain to your husband that him working with this woman bothers you, I would hope that he would respect your feelings and stop. When someone is in crisis, particularly if they're in a kind of trouble you yourself have experienced, it can be hard to say "no" to them -- but he can introduce her to somebody else who can help her so it won't feel like he's turning his back on her need for help, just directing her towards a more appropriate source for that help.
Well said Atheos.... Faith, I hear your pain, and it is completely understandable.... In Al-Anon there are very few absolutes, or "shoulds".... I agree that 'same sex' is recommended and typically the best - but I know, from my experience, that I have been able to connect with and help the recovery of several women, and vice versa....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with you Faith. Going to her home was out of bounds. You seem to have drawn your boundaries clearly so good for you. I have no problem with sharing at meetings, and at social time after meetings with other people around, but I support you in your objection to his further involvement.
