The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Husband loves to taunt me and make promises and over and over again, I want to believe him. I want that my control, what is wrong with me. I love him and he just keeps on drinking and more and more and throwing it in my face. I have thrown his beer away, I have thrown him out of the house....he promises and promises and he lies and lies...I know I can't be alone...but why do I feel like I am...why I am I the one that is crying and begging and doing things for him over and over again.
In alanon we learn to go by the 12 steps and we learn slogans to help us. When first going to meetings you hear so much and wonder how it works - but it does! Have you read the 12 steps? Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Our enabling is just one way our lives become unmanageable. We throw away the beer, we are nice, we cry, we are mean, we are whatever we can imagine - so they can see our pain! The problem is that they are in pain and alcohol messes with their wiring and they don't think straight. You can't change them - but you can change you. You are powerless over their addiction. Step 2: Came to belief that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This is a powerful statement because all your actions and reactions have not worked to this point. In the rooms it is said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. How many times can you throw away beer and think something different will happen? What do you have to lose by putting your trust in a higher power? It does work. Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is the only way I've been able to start learning and changing old habits. I'm not perfect, but as one slogan says: Progress not Perfection. Going to meeting is great and I go to both open and women only meetings. The more meetings you attend, the more you will start seeing yourself in others, hearing stories that sound like they could have come from you and also seeing the choices people make with the power of the 12 steps.
I know it has started changing my life and I'm still working the steps. I'm also looking for a sponsor to help with the detailed work, but I also remember the slogan: One day at a time.
Please read the posts and go to meetings. Don't do it for him - Do it for you! You deserve your own recovery!
one thing I learned early was that an alcoholic will say what they know we want to hear anything to get us off thier backs , our insanity is we believe the lies over and over again always ending in dissapointment and frustration .. please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand . I believe they mean it when they make those promises but the disease just wont allow it . get the focus on you , you are the only one that you have any control over . Often when we seek recovery the alcoholic will follow , if he dosent its a win win situation for you , you get your life back learn to become your own best friend and take care of you . Dont argue with him it only makes things worse , he is not drinking at you he is drinking because he has a problem . crying dosent work , begging dosent work , ultimatums dont work your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you this is his to fix , leave it with him where it belongs .
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 25th of July 2011 12:54:04 AM
Welcome to the boards of MIP. :) I hope you will find a f2f meeting in your area and choose to step through the doors. You will find out that you are not alone. There is no magic fix for the addicts in our lives and just like abby says the only thing you have control over is you. Carrying around the double helping of responsibility is no way to live the rest of your life. There are many wise wonderful people on the boards here and you will find the same acceptance and understanding at the f2f meetings.
Just keep coming back because you are worth it. :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I will try to find a meeting, I do understand all of this...I know he is sick, and you all know he is sick. I don't want to keep feeling so bad, I don't want to keep making up excuses and feeling robbed of my life. Thank you very much for your comments they are giving me strength that I have never felt before.
He can lie and lie and not feel guilty because he is drunk all the time and doesn't have to feel his feelings like you do. He is in the grips of a powerful addiction and that has him acting in a manipulative and hurtful manner but one that will ultimately lead to his continuing to be able to drink.
There are many ways to look at your own behavior in terms of whether you are an enabler, a hopeless romantic, a person that takes wedding vows seriously, or a sucker for his lies....it is all in your perception and what helps you to live in the solution. I do like what you said about feeling "robbed of your life." Nobody needs to have that kind of control over you. That is why both Alanon and AA are spiritual programs. Your HP has granted you this life and he/she/it can give it back to you again in ways you never imagined. Your life and your peace of mind are not 100 percent contingent on any 1 person, even your husband.
Hi Kathyslost, Welcome to MIP. It sounds like you found the right place. I can relate to your share and I hope you find a meeting near you and soon. Serenity comes in Al-anon when you make it to meetings and listen a lot and find a wise old sponsor in time. It took me a few months to start working a solid program and my life is so less chaotic now. I hope you take the time to start taking care of you. I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to let everything that all of you have said sink in. I am pretty sure I was guilty of making myself miserable as well. I am going to keep coming on here and try to find a F2F meeting soon!! Thank you ...and I know that God will grant me my Serenity~~
Thank you ...You are all so kind. I am new as of this past weekend. After 13 years I just could not do it any more by myself...I am going to start thinking a lot more about me...~ : )
