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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling the need to share again...and again...
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling the need to share again...and again...
michellelong


Veteran Member

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Posts: 39
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Feeling the need to share again...and again...
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I'm sorry to keep venting but I am hoping this is what the board is for.

I am not having a good day like I hoped for and I don't understand why! As I have said in a previous post, my AH is in jail serving the third of 22 weekends from a DUI back in January. He comes home at 6PM tomorrow. He calls me but sounds distant. He takes sleep induced pills before going in and sleeps away the time he is serving with the exception of getting up for meals or potty breaks. I am supposed to be feeling carefree and alive not having to worry about wheter or not he is coming home tonight or will he take off drinking and drugging again.

Some how this particular day I am feeling the loneliness I normally feel when he binges but I know in my head where he is and it is not making sense. I am angry as well that he can take sleeping pills and be oblivious as to where he is to "make it go away".

I have even been secretly hoarding money away for the past 6 months just incase I decide to get out all together. I have always been told to have a little nest egg incase you need to leave. I find myself counting what I have saved everyday thinking "ok where can I go with this"? I have said more times than I can count that I was going to leave him.....what hurts is when he says back.....make sure you have a safe place to go! People around me tell me they know he loves me but I can't feel that anymore.

I don't want to leave my AH because I know without me he will end up dead, on the other hand I feel like if I stay I am going to end up witnessing his death, noy literally mind you but I feel I will have the law at my door or a phone call to come to the morgue.

I'm originally from NJ and have lived in NC for 10.5 years. I met him while here and new he drank and I believe I even knew he was an alcoholic before we married but did not want to accept it. I sometimes think maybe if I leave I should move back to my roots but I really have no family left exceot some estranged cousins. I sometimes wonder if it is fear of being alone or if it is really love that is making me stay and be tortured by my AH.

He really is a sweetheart when he is sober but he is an animal when he is not, he can look me straight in the face whike I am crying and can hardly breath from chect pains and all he can say is "I don't want to see that crap" with no emotion at all! That hurts!!

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest and am going to make the 7PM meeting, I need that tomight!



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ML
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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good for you protecting yourself!

  • As far as if you leave he will die,we have NO control over that.
  • don't know why those dots are there??
  • HOW come he can have sleeping pills in there? Never heard of that. I hope you keep coming here and venting.

love,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3870
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Michelle,

I totally agree with Deb, if you stay or if you go, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You won't control what happens. You truly do not have that kind of power, none of us do. You can focus on yourself there is no magic fix it's work. That is the only control that we have in our own lives.

What your A says to you when he's high is the disease, the lies are the disease, the disease of addiction is totally unmanageable and it's not going to be controlled by us. I can look at my A now and recognize that what he says and does it's not personal. It still stings at least I don't stay there anymore.

I look at it as I need to loose weight (this is on my list of goals this year) I have to remind myself I didn't get here over night it took years, it's probably going to take a lot of hard work to get myself into shape physically, it's all worth it. Ditto on my mental health, I didn't just wake up one day and decide I wanted to be a hot mess, I had a lot of practice at my own bad behavior, oh it's been years in the making, so as far as I've come in 6 good grief it's now been 8 months, I'm going to go so much further provided I do the work. I want my fairy god mother back, the whole wand thing would be a good thing. :)

Be easy on yourself and remember you didn't just wake up and find yourself in this situation, it's been in the making over a long period of time. What are you going to do about you? Because you are worth recovery, you are worthy of being happy now regardless of the future.

P :)


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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
michellelong


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
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Thank you Deb and Pushka,

I am going to work on me and right now I feel like I know I cannot control what happens to him. I can't say I will feel that way the next time he takes off but I will do the right thing and log on here to read some more posts and get off of my chest how I feel. I think that will make the difference in whether I sit here with chest pains and just cry or feel like I am doing something to take care of me. I am not going in blinded, I know I have a LONG journey ahead of me and I know I will go through more unbearable times.
So far in 3 days this board, one on-line meeting (couldn't seem to get on one last night, only found a chat room) and the support I am getting from all of you is helping me to stay a little more focused on me and not my AH.

Deb, as for the sleeping pills, he is not allowed to take the pills into the jail itself, he takes 3-4 before he walks in the door to ensure he passes out within 30 minutes of being booked in. I generally have time to make it home and I get the call telling me goodnight at 6:30 PM, He sleeps till noon the next day where I'll get another call and hear how he is going back to sleep, then last night my goodnight call was at 5PM......I was like WTH?? But it is what it is........I cannot control it!

I wish I could reach out and HUG all of you for the support and encouragement!

I know this won't be easy and I know there will be times coming up soon that I will be posting while crying, but knowing I have a new family of support that actually KNOWS what I am going through will hopefully lesson the blow.

Michelle

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ML
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