Dont know what to do now with marriage - Al-Anon Family Group

HAguirre · Member

Dont know what to do now with marriage

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Heather

Welcome to MIP

I am so sorry that you are feeling isolated and misunderstood within your marriage. Please know you are not alone. Alcoholism is a disease that you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure.

Your husband is taking care of his disease so I would like to suggest that you look for Face to Face meetings in your community so as you can find the support and constructive tools that you need to have a great life

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Please keep coming back here and sharing It works

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you! It's likely you won't feel so alone the more you post. There are some fantastic people who participate on this board on a regular basis. I hope you can find time to read through many of the posts. Also, you can use the search option to find topics on specific issues.

I once felt very lonely too. My friends do not live with alcoholics, so they really didn't understand what I've lived through. I often isolated myself because I didn't want others to know what was going on in my personal life. I kept friends at bay, never inviting over to my home.

However, I broke the isolation when I finally decided to attend Al-Anon meetings. It took me several meetings to get the hang of them and to feel a part of the group. But I'm so glad that I went through that awkward stage of beginning something new. Meetings are full of supportive people who do understand like no one else can.

Please give them careful consideration. Take good care, Gail

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It's okay to turn away and walk the other way right into the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon. He's doing the best he can with what he has for now. That might be a very new thought for you and it's okay to leave him to his recovery and get your hands off..that might also be a very new thought for you...Was for me...Find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your district and call it and find out the places and times we get together to help and support each other and come sit with us and listen and learn. We also have alot of literature which you can get and read cause understanding the disease does have a deep calming affect. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

In our literature there is a line that says going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread .. he is never going to truly understand how his behavior affected you any more than your going to understand his compulsion to drink .. Al-Anons get me they understand and they listen . please if your not already find meetings for yourself , take care of yourself for a change and leave hubby to his Higher Power .. right now your husb is stark raving sober his head is all over the place , dont make any hasty decissions right now , find meetings take care of you and your gonna be just fine . Louise

AnnieMar · Member

HAguirre, what helps me sometimes.. not always.. is to realize that self-centeredness is part of the underlying root of alcoholism. Of addictions in general, I guess. It sometimes helps me separate from my husband's self-centeredness so I feel almost neutral about it. Other times it just irritates the hell outta me. Or I let it feed my low self-esteem, thinking I must just not be important enough to be really acknowledged by him. It's a struggle, but there are times I can see it. I don't mean that you should just patiently wait and forgive him being this way, but that detaching from it can help you take care of yourself, and get some much-needed rest from the physical and mental exhaustion you're feeling. If he's serious about recovery, I think he's likely to come around to seeing that he hasn't been capable of seeing much of anything except himself. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, but that the ability to really step outside of his own head got swallowed up in the alcohol, and in the behaviors that invariably go along with it. In the meantime, take care of you.. you as an individual, regardless of what he's saying or doing. For me it's like having to take a leap of faith that it's ok for me to do that, and I have to force myself not to second-guess myself. But I think it's a step in the right direction for your own well-being.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I have been and maybe still am where you are right now. I didn't know what to do about the marriage....so I did nothing. I didn't know whether to go right or left or up or down. Walk away, fight, end it, stay, go ..... I just didn't know.

My hubby, who is my qualifier for this group, has been in AA for 11 years. He still WILL NOT talk to me about his meetings. I met the people from his meetings when he was in the hospital for cancer in 2007 and they introduced themselves to me. I started going to meetings to have some kind of connection to him. And then I was mad at myself because that is such a LAME reason, but any reason to get to meetings is a good meeting. I learned he is who he is and there is not much I can do about it but hit my head against that brick wall over and over and get a good headache... until I decide to live with my own peace paramount in my mind.

Try some meetings. You will feel so much better and you will find a whole new social group. After a few years I ended up going out to dinner with some female friends regularly. We understand eachother like old friends even though we haven't known eachother that long.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

The best decision I ever made was go to face to face meetings of Alanon. I discovered the 3 C's: You did not Cause It, You Cannot Control It, You cannot Cure it.

Whether a loved one is in recovery or is not, the meetings provide a strong support system of love and understanding for families and friends that are affected by the disease of alcoholism. I discovered that I was not alone in my walk and I found great comfort in knowing that what was going on in my home and in my life was commensurate with what others were going through as well. I found peace, comfort, acceptance, understanding, and love in the face to face rooms. I do so hope you will give it a try.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

HAguirre · Member

I have gone to meetings but there is only 2 that I can go too I feel like im giving up on my marriage because im working on me and walking away from him emotionally I know I wont lives like this the rest of my life uncarring relationship does that make me a bad person I wont do this too my self or my kids anymore

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
Yes, I know the feelings. First of all, you are not giving up on your marriage and walking away emotionally. By going to the meetings and learning what is being said there you are covering all your bases... you are working on your part. And when you talk about the uncaring relationship, don't paint yourself with the same brush that your hubby has. You are not uncaring. You are not emotionally walking away. However, the person in the other half of the relationship is not talking to you right now about any of this and you don't know how he feels. You can only guess. So give yourself some time.... and in the meantime, be as happy as you can be. Do extra with your kids. Play with them. Be both parents for them. You are so mixed up and in turmoil that you can't think straight and you may decide something today that you will regret tomorrow. It won't hurt to decide to not make any decision until you can make one that you know is a good decision. When you know in your heart and mind what you want to do, no one will be able to talk you out of it. You will know when you know.

In the meantime, be happy and have some fun in your life. Don't let the addiction take everything away from you too. Be happy.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.