Tired of Enabler's - Al-Anon Family Group

michellelong · Veteran Member

Tired of Enabler's

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, well we have no idea whether friend is drinking or not. Which means nothing anyway. It's being on a program of recovery that matters. Why wouldn't he help him? He is not on program!

I do know how you feel. I was always so upset when my AH would be asked to leave by me as he was so drunk and obnoxious.

If just once he didn't have enablers....rrrrr He had a ton of them, especially mommy. Now he lives with one of his mother's friends. Woman of ill repute. yuck. now this is how probably sick I still am sometimes. I think, well when ill repute woman dies, she is terminal in her disease, now where will he find a host to parasite off of? He is not handsome anymore or attractive, has no money and is horribly abusive.

Will he finally be miserable enough to stop again. yea right. None of my business. When ya go from rescuing animals all your life, rehabing, loving them, even having a sanctuary, spending all your time with these neglected, tortured, abandoned animals,yet you are no suppose to do anything for these sick
A humans, it is really mind boggling.

lets see if I see a dog laying in the gutter, I go get it and do whatever it needs.

But if it is a human,nope leave them there.

And yes that is what we must do. YES I sure relate with you. Its not easy for us to to let go! I was thinking ok if my bro won't call the police I will. Tell them about this elder abuse.

But no we cannot do this! It will blow up in our faces, it's now our job to do this. I tried this once, the police did nothing. AH drove his huge 4 wd right over the top of a little car at a stop light. thank goodness no one was hurt.

Anyway, I tell myself NO not my job and leave it alone. detach, say you are going to do what you do. I wouldn't even take him to jail. Let him figure it out.

hugs hugs,debilyn

michellelong · Veteran Member

Thanks Debilyn,

I was starting to feel again like it was just me, that I was a horrible human being because I refuse to drive him around after he has started drinking and I always hear the same routine of "If you drive me you won't have to worry about me" or "this way you know I won't get hurt" I'm sorry but I cannot stand seeing a beer in his hands or smelling it in his breath. I also learned that I wouls be stopping at this ones house, the store down the road and then at this ones house or tht bar over there. There is never a time to stop!!

I don't enable!!

I secretly pray that the next time and the next time he gets caught and actually goes to prison....which he will under the NC State law for DWI's. I would have PEACE!!!

hugs back.....Michelle

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Michelle I was told early in Al-Anon there is nothing wrong with having those feeling, it's called being human. We want our alcoholic's to get it. We want them to get what they deserve. We allow them to make our life unmanageable. We love them and at the same time hate what they become when the disease is in control. Again we are only human.

Separating the disease from the person was hard for me. I love my wife and I hate the disease. With Al-Anon over time, one day at a time, and with acceptance, my life got better. No one here, or in a f2f meeting will tell you what you should or should not do. Only what worked for us.

Your in a better place than when you found MIP two days ago. Your not alone and you found we have online meetings. Your on the right track. You started your recovery. I'm proud of you and it only gets better.

As Canadian Guy often says...He is going to drink, or use drugs, or go from bar to bar, or get anouther DUI, or go to jail for two years, or maybe find his bottom. He is going to do what he is going to do.....whats important is what Michelle is going to do. Starting your recovery and taking care of yourself first should be your first priority.

Keep coming back and you will find the help you need to make your life better regardless if the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not.

HUGS,
RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha ML...welcome to the board. Suggestion? go get your local phone book and in the white pages look up Al-Anon and call that number to find out where and when we get togther in your district and then go to the very first one you can get to. Come in there will be a seat waiting for you and then sit down, introduce yourself, listen with a wide open mind and learn. When you are there get as much information as you can about you and alcoholism and you may even get a fat "newcomers packet" at zero cost. There are no fees for our program soooo lock up the house and come on over.

There's no shame in a community conscious person calling the law on a drunk...I am a member of AA and I've made those calls...to the police, hospital, emergency services etc etc. No shame and done with thought and prayer.

Enablers have great intentions before they do things and the consequence from doing those things often come out worse. The road to hell is also paved with good intentions. In program I learned how to help rather than enable...there is a big difference. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

michellelong · Veteran Member

Good morning all,

Thank you for the replies, I stayed up for quite a while last night just thinking of where I am so far in my fight for recovery and I found that over the years if nothing else I did make the decision to try and step out of the picture when my AH takes off and takes his first drink. I usually know because I won't hear from him for hours which is not normal when he is sober.

I have even tried the route of telling him, I won't yell or fuss if you just come home and stop now. But I have learned that although he seems comforted by that over the phone he keeps going until HE is done. I do love my AH with all of my heart and soul but I hate my AH when the disease takes over.

Jerry F, thank you for your support in there being no shame in calling the law, I have picked up the phone and put it down so many times I have lost count, reason being I don't feel they take it seriously around my neck of the woods. It seems to me that every time my AH is in trouble the system fails to do it's job. The DA this time failed to look at his extensive record, had they my AH would be pulling the 2 years that has been suspended. His probation officer has not been to our home once since his sentencing May 10th and has only tested him once.

But I am starting to understand a little about the HP, I can't just yet say MY HP but I am understanding there must be one as I have pulled through some pretty fierce times. I believe that what is meant to be will be and wheter it is death, jail, prison or sobriety foe my AH it is not something I can control. For all of this knowledge in such a little time I have all of you to thank for your posts, replies and encouragement. I have myself to thank as well for taking this first step to a healthier me.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Michelle, keep coming, this program works when we do the work for ourselves. Go to meetings in your area for you, alanon will help you feel better. You will learn there are others out there that did crazy too. LISTEN at the meetings to how people are living their lives with the new tools. Share when it feels right to. Talk and ask questions after the meeting of those who you feel a connection with. Its ok to take care of you now.
The book Getting Them Sober has helped me SO MUCH. As well as the AA big book, One day at a time in alanon and Courage to CHange. Keep coming ;) HUGS!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.