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I have had an alki step father. I am a recovering alki myself. Whats got me twisted up is a loved ones other addiction though.
When he talks about his plans and schemes how he is going to control this addiction.
What do I say back? Oh thats great? I dont want to say that is great.
I want to yell GO TO A DAMN 12 Step meeting already!
Everytime I speak to him. I watch what I say. I am not myself. I try saying the right thing, hoping if I say the right thing maybe he will think 12 steps are good and get to a meeting. If I say the wrong thing then he wont. (yes I have so much power! I know its insane).
I find myself worrying and scheming what to say. I want to yell GO TO A MEETING. Instead I try wiggle it how I love my meetings what I like about being sober. Its twisted.
But when he says (I dont ask!) he starts off telling me how he is doing this or that to or is going to try do this or that to control his addiction. He said he is going to keep a journal to find out where he goes wrong with his addiction!!!
What am I supposed to say back to that? 'Oh that is great?' I dont want to say that. I dont know what to say. Do I just grunt or what? What does alanon think is best to say with these situations?
The best that you can do is focus on yourself, work your program, maybe talk to your sponsor about what's going on. You sure aren't alone in wanting to "make" someone you love see some sense in what they are doing. What did it take for you to walk into your program? I had to get to my own program when my own pain outweighed the benefit of the emotional payoff I was getting. There is nothing wrong with saying how you feel about something, however it has to be done without any expectation that we hold any power over someone else's choices.
In support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are witnessing denial firsthand. There are all kinds of schemes and plans, anything but admitting that it's a disease that can only get better by stopping.
Seems to me you are doing the right thing by refering to yourself and your journey. Really, that is the only thing you do know for sure, what worked for you. I would suggest you continue to keep your answers in the "I" mode. Like, " I found after using every excuse I could to continue, I had to admit that meetings are what finally worked for me."
It's frustrating and baffling..but it's what many of us live with or have lived with. There's no magic words that turn the light on. He has to arrive at recovery's door on his own.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dear slugcat, I think I know the "bind" you are talking about. You don't want to start a debate, yet, you would like a tool to deflect his quacking about it. I hear that you don't want to speak insincerely about such an important matter, either. Am I close?
If so, and since it is your discomfort you are trying to deal with---I think a sort of "pat" answer would be useful. I might try something like: "Yes, I do hear what you are saying" If he persists in asking what you think, or what you mean, I would answer: "I have learned that words are one thing, action and results are another". Then change the subject as quickly as possible.
When loved ones in my life are finding other ways to practice the great obsession of controlled drinking, I kind of think of it as someone openly sharing in a meeting. In my homegroup we practice the policy of no cross talk which is to not comment on another persons share. With all of the love and respect Alanon has taught me to take what I like and leave the rest, I just listen to that person and say something like, "thanks for sharing" or, even, "I hear ya"
In that regard I keep my side of the street clean and let that person run all the experiments they need to inorder to get enough pain to try something different. Perhaps someday that different thing will be AA.
I have to agree with Otie and Tommye here. They have taught me well :) You see, when my A or anyone in my life goes on and on about things now, I am learning to just listen, nod, and allow them to have their own thoughts. I don't try to advise anymore, I don't try to argue my side of things. I just have learned to say "Ok". Thats a complete sentence! Or "Thats your decision" Or "Nice". If my A asks me an opinion on how he is handling things, I have learned I need to say things that put it back on him, like "do what you feel is right". Thats all we can do. I hope you have meetings for yourself. Alanon helps us feel better about our selves :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
