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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Hurt, confused and scared...(long)
Post Info TOPIC: Hurt, confused and scared...(long)
MAR2011


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Hurt, confused and scared...(long)
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A couple months ago my A went into a clinic for detox, they told him he would have died if he continued to try to do it on his own. Up until Thursday night, he was sober 8 weeks. Those 8 weeks were fantastic, stress free, happy times. He's the best man I've ever met when he's sober.

Because of a DUI in December, he was sentenced to 38days in jail, starting Friday. Thursday he freaked out... and drank. At 3pm, he told me he had a meeting in the next town over at 7pm. I expressed that I was upset we couldn't spend more time together before he had to be taken to the jail. He got upset, got mad, thought about a million things and got overwhelmed.

At about 7pm, I got worried because I hadn't heard from him and went to his office to see if he was there, he wasn't. A longtime friend and I started heading toward where he said his meeting was (I just wanted to know he was ok because it was a bad area) and on our way there, he drove past. I turned around and followed until he pulled into the parking lot of a beer distributor. Blocked him in and questioned what he was doing there... he had already been drinking, not much but I could see it in his eyes. He kept expressing that he didn't care about this or that, that he was going to jail the next morning so he was doing what he wanted. His coworker was in the car with him.

I told him that I would follow him to drop off his coworker and we would go home, stop while we're ahead. He promised he wouldn't try to lose me on the way. As soon as we got out of the parking lot that's just what he did. I kept up, he blew through stop signs and red lights, of course I stopped. When I caught back up with him, he had just past his coworkers street and went to turn, without stopping at all, his coworker jumped out of his truck. It was like a bad action movie.

I decided it was time to call the cops. I didn't want him hurting himself or anyone else, the way he was driving. Long story slightly shorter, eventually I had called three times (that first time, next time I found his truck stopped back at the coworkers house and when he thought it was a good idea to run into the woods), the very young cop told me I was being childish. That I'm "not his mother" and basically to back off. I said, "I'm not his mother, but I'm his fiance so excuse me for caring." Cop said to me that it seemed to him I was trying to get my fiance locked up. I said, "He's going to jail tomorrow morning for a DUI, why would I want him in at all, let alone sooner?" He had no answer. From what I could see, this cop was inexperienced and looking at the situation as a domestic dispute instead of what it was.

So now, with my 4 1/2 month old daughter, my fiance is in jail and not allowed back into my home (we live with my mom to save for a house). I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to leave him? Am I supposed to be cold hearted and stop caring? What am I SUPPOSED to do...



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hotrod


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I am so sorry that the disease of alcoholism is causing so much chaos in your life.  Since you BF is in jail at the moment, it is a good time for you to begin to Focus on Yourself and find out your options. 

Alanon face to face meetings in your community would be a fantastic place to begin. 

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

At these meetings you cann break the isolation and learn new constructive tools to live your life with  You and your child are worth it.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Pushka


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Hugs,

Focusing on you is the best thing you can do. The 3 C's you didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't control it, and you won't cure it. Follow up with a f2f meeting it really helps to know you aren't alone.

In Support, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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We learn to take one day at a time.

Today he is safe in jail. You and baby are safe at your moms. I always say get this book asap,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew, Volume one. Its easy to read, its great.

Get to a meeting as hotrod helped ya to find. They are welcoming and you will find a home there.

Come here and share as much as you want and need.

Wish I had, had Al Anon at your age. Since you share a child and really love him,you need it hon.

What should you do? You take care of you and kiddo, do what you have been doing. Enjoy your life. When he gets out, what he is going to do is figure it all out for himself. It's up to him.

In a way the policeman was right. We are not their mothers. Plus we have NO control over what they do. It's  a waste of time to chase them,look for bottles, trust them, depend on them, look to them for guidance...

They are VERY sick people with a disease. It's horrible what you have gone thru.

Apparently he learned nothing from the dui.

Is this how you want to live and bring up your baby?

I understand you love him, been there believe me. They do not need our nurturing or caring, or babysitting.

He HAS to figure it all out for himself. If he wants a family, a place to live, he has to work on him and set it up, get into rehab, AA. I can tell you, I am afraid, soon as he gets out he will drink

Seen it a million times. I could be wrong. They lie like crazy when they are in jail. They are so sweet, treat you like glass. I mean afterall they gotta find someone they can use when they get out.

I had to face, he was not ready,wanted his using more than me. I never doubted his love for me. But that is definitely all a person needs in a relationship.

I am very glad you found us. come back. love,debilyn

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
RLC


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Mar,

I agree with Hotrod and Pushka. Your A is in a safe place and will have time to reflect on his life and future. Hopefully he will choose recovery. This is a perfect time for you to start and seek your recovery by putting all the focus on yourself. If you read prior post on MIP you will see from other members ES&H and how they found the help they needed in the rooms of Al-Anon. Use this opportunity to to do the same for yourself. Nothing could be more important for you and also for your daughter.

HUGS,
RLC

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xeno59


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Now is the time for you to focus on you and your child
As you work the program you will lean how to detach with love. That does not mean you stop loving or caring about him, it means you let him do what he is going to do, while you take care of you,
What I got out of your share was that you were going to stop your boyfriend from hurting himself more by drinking. Alcholics drink it's what they do. Your bf having been to the Drs was well aware of the consequenses of the danger of more drinking, and as he already had a dui he was very clear on the consequense of drinking and driving.
As you work the program if you are going to get healthy, learn new and better coping skills for yourself and to teach your child you are going to have to accept you can't control your bf's actions, and the sooner you get out of his way and HP's way and let your bf find his own bottom the sooner he will find recovery. Should you continue to cushion that bottom not much is going to change. I am not jusdging you in any way believe me. My son is an addict and I spent yrs even after i joined the program cushioning his bottom out of complete fear of him being, hurt, dying etc. It took me a very long time to get my son and his behavior out from under my microscope and take a good long look at my actions, my illness.
No one knows what another persons bottom is my son has OD'd, been to jail etc none of it his bottom.
He is also an adult whom I have to give the dignity of making his own decisions weather I like them or not. It doesn't mean I love him any less. I can only pray that HP's will be done, not my will.
I seriously urge you to throw yourself into your program right now and get yourself healthy so your child has at least one healthy parent.
I know all to well the place you are in and my reply may seem a little harsh, I don't mean it to be. But you can only help yourself. Your bf has his own HP and his own recovery to work should he choose to.
I do wish you the best in your recovery
Blessings

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