The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm brand new to the group, been looking for something like this for a long time. I have been married to an alcoholic/drug abuser for 6 years. The longest he has gone without anything is 11 months. I have had 2-5 month periods of happiness as well but it never lasts. I am to the point where I never know if he is coming home but after so many hours I already know. I am so tired of the stress related to this nonsense, the crying and sleepless nights. The never knowing if I'm going to get a call that he is dead or on jail or has killed someone else. I have done all the wrong things such as threatening to leave and only one time when I actually asked him to leave did he come begging to come home and that was the 11 month stretch. I don't want to leave because this is my home and I have my 2 baby dogs that I wouldn't be able to take with me. I love my husband and as we all say at some point, he is terrific when he is sober but I actually feel hate inside when he takes off and drinks......cocaine is his vice after so many as well! It just makes me sick! I used to enjoy a glass of wine on occasion but have never been much of a drinker, I stopped completely years ago as to not have anything in the house. I just don't know what to do anymore as the binges are becoming more frequent again......6 times sine June 1st!!
Glad you found us. I know in NC there are lots of Al-Anon meetings. They exist just to help you. You will also find a group of people that will become your best friends. They know your pain the way your family and friends, neighbors and work associates never will. Find them and use them. They will help your attitude the most. And whether you stay with him or leave (totally your own choice) you will find the right attitude to be able to live happily. You will get "tools". I didn't understand what tools were, but they are just ideas for life....ways to be happy.
Keep reading on this web site too. Something to help you is in every post.
I have looked on line for Al-Anon meetings here and found some over an hour away. As sad as this sounds we have an abundance of DWI's here where I live and no meetings for people like us! I have even been searching for meetings on line and am discouraged.
My AH is currently pulling weekends in jail for the last DWI in January with 20 more to go! But even since his sentencing he has taken off drinking and driving and I feel helpless because I cannot stop him! I have come so close to picking up the phone and giving the description of the vehicle he is driving but out of fear I don't. I am too scared it will not remain anonymous! Even his lawyer for the last episode told him if he does this again before 2013 he will go away for along time and even he can't help him. Oddly enough I look forward to the weekend stints because I feel safe! I know where he is!
I even leave the scanner on when he pulls his binges and pray they catch him.
I have no family, my one friend who I thought I had deserted me........At the end of June this year my AH went on a binge and I lost it! I booked a hotel room at Myrtle Beach SC and jumped in my truck with all of my clothes and toiletries. I was hoping he would see all of my personal stuff gone and snap out of it....didn't work. Anyway I sent my (supposed) best friend a text, who by the way knew what was happening and had not bothered to call me to see if all was ok.....I sent her a text saying "I wish my best friend was here, room already paid for" (I stayed four nights) and mind you she does not work nor does she have children. Her reply was "Don't lay this on me" I'm am here for you and alway's will be, but don't lay this on me". We have not spoken since!
Whether I am able to find a face to face meeting or not I do hope and pray I can use this message board when I need to, which seems to be often lately!
Thank you all for your support!
-- Edited by michellelong on Friday 22nd of July 2011 02:08:22 PM
There are online meetings on this site. You can click on the link at the top left of this page for times. In the mean time please keep coming back and posting. You have found a new and caring family here who understands you as perhaps no one else can. We have been where you are and also have been effected by the disease of alcoholism.....best defined as cunning, baffling and powerful, taking over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. We all need help to recover from the effects the disease has on us. You made that first step today.
michelle so glad you are here.......Most important......Your not alone anymore.
Hang in there and read read read the posts on this site, even if you don't think they apply. I've only posted a couple of times, but am reading a lot and somehow it sinks in. I have found myself making better choices and having more hope - even though nothing has really changed, except maybe me. You have friends here! I felt so alone a few months ago and so went public with all my friends, coworkers and family about what was happening with my AH. I was ashamed to tell anyone, as if it was my fault, but found no one judged me and it opened up an entirely new support system for me. Having that support from others here and in person makes us stronger and more able to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. I am still a little chick in this learning process and plan to keep on learning, so hang in there and we'll learn together.
You are not alone. You've already gotten some great ESH! Please keep coming back, reading, posting whatever it is that you need to do to help you get through your situation and back to a better place.
3 C's, you didn't cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you are not going to cure it. All any of us can do is focus on making our lives better for ourselves and finding hope again that we are not lost.
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I so hear your pain and frustration. Know you aren't alone anymore. Some of our stories may differ but we all love or have loved a person with addiction. We can understand your feelings and fears as no one else ( who doesn't face this problem) can. So i am very glad you have found us. Nothing you do can change your husbands behavior. He needs to find his own bottom, his wake up call that he has a problem and then be willing to change. And none of us knows what another persons bottom is. My belief is by the time most of us reach the doors of alanon we have hit our own bottom. Our lives have become so emeshed in our loved ones addiction we have lost who we are along the way. Our lives have become so unmanagable we finally reach out for help. And now you have found it. We do have meetings here twice daily, sounds like you are on eastern time so for you they would be mon-fri 9am and 9pm Sat 10 am and 9pm and Sun 10am and 7pm. Please join us, you will be welcomed with open arms. Face to Face meetings are ideal but if you can't get to one our online meetings are awesome. Read the posts and replies here on the message board... there is so much wisdom here We work the same steps as AA or NA just in a different context. And this program is meant only for you...your husband has his own recovery options. As you work the steps, learn the tools, slogans and get comfortable with the fellowship you will grow, you won't be displaying the same behaviors over and over that we have all done in the past. You will learn how to get yourself healthy instead of worrying about what your husband is doing. And when I say healthy I mean mentally, spiritually and physically. My son is an addict and your speaking of sleepless nights took me right back to where I was a few years ago. His drugs of choice are halluginigens and he would stay awake for a week at a time coming and going to keep that high going. It's a loner drug they say and I believe it cause it isnt like he is out partying and having fun no no he goes out gets high and gets home as soon as possible and locks himself away to hallucinate I guess. He is not mean or violent but he also when high has no clue what he is doing. He may try to cook something and leave the burner on things like that so if he didnt sleep than niether did I. Until he would finally crash then I could catch a few hours of sleep and this went on for 2 yrs. He never has memories of what he has done or said. OD'd 3 times in a 4 month time frame, no memory. He has been and right now in jail because he can't follow probation. He has been to rehab twice. Still hasn't hit his bottom. So again you are not alone hopefully that gives you some comfort. Doubtful there is much you can share that would shock anyone as between us all we have pretty much seen or heard everything. See if you can make a meeting with us, we would love to have you Blessings
Welcome to MIP. I too have walked along the same road as you are and have found serenity and peace of mind in the face to face rooms of Alanon. As everyone said, you are not alone, but are amongst true friends that understand your problems as few others could.
I made my second trip into Alanon after my husband was horribly injured as a result of his drinking. The pain was just so great. He was a frequent binger and his evenings out sometimes would result in him not coming home. It was so frustrating not know where your loved one is, dead or alive. I had days for which I wished he were dead because then I would know. But it was in the not knowing that killed me. The constant daily obsession of where he is, what is he doing, and with whom grew in me with such speed. There as absolutely nothing in my life but pain, worry, and resentment.
Then I was pushed into the face to face meetings of Alanon. A club for which I did not want to belong to. I think I can say confidently no one is jumping at the bit to join. The people in there knew where I was coming from and through listening in meetings I was able to hear my story as others were sharing their struggles and difficulties of their own lives. I no longer felt alone and found tremendous comfort, support, love and acceptance for me just as I was.
When I got busy in the program I got better. My fear gradually lost power over me as I began working the steps with a face to face sponsor and attending meetings on a regular basis. Online meetings and this board is great, but there is no substitution for the love and understanding in the face to face rooms of Alanon.
I am still married to my lovely husband who has not found the gift of sobriety. Alanon has taught me how to separate the man from the disease of alcoholism. He is a wonderful man that is kind, gentle, loving who just so happens to have a disease called alcoholism. I am grateful to the program and for the disease because it has giving me a new perspective and taught me how to keep the focus on myself and learn how to live, one day at a time.
I do so hope you find a meeting in NYC. There is another member here that is another NYC gal, her name is Hotrod. I hope you have a chance to meet her on this board. I think you will find she has a tremendous source of experience, strength and hope she can share with you.
Wow, I did not expect the responces given and cannot tell you all how much I appriciate the advice and for lack of better words "peace of mind" that I am not alone. Xeno59 and Tommye I have to say to both of you reading your stories freaked me out a little to know there really are other people out there with similar issues. Tommye's is very if not identical to mine so much so that I felt like I wrote the post myself.
At least for tonight and tomorrow night I will be totally at peace as he is pulling one of his weekends in jail and will be home Monday night. I have had 2 wonderful nights with him being sober so far but as I am not naive I know it won't last but he is a wonderful man as well when sober.
I am going to try and stay up to be a part of the on line meeting tonight at 9PM. And Tommye I am from North Carolina not NYC sorry for the confusion. I went to our local Chamber of Commerce even yesterday to inquire about a local Al-Anon meeting but was told there aren't any yet. Here's to hoping someone starts one soon. Again just these few replies mean the world to me and I will use the board as often as I need and I will read as many as I can.
Hi there michelle, I made misread your title, yes of course, NC is North Carolina. So sorry.
Here is a link, perhaps your chamber of commerce does not know of meetings in your area. But the Alanon Website will. There is a link, find a meeting on it. I do so hope there is one in your area. The website is:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Please keep coming back. I am glad you have a few days to yourself. I know how good it feels when your alcoholic is locked up because you know they are safe and sober. But, the peaceful feelings you have today while he is in jail can be the same feeling as when he is out there drinking or not. Alanon has showed me how to have an emotional independence and sobriety whether or not my loved one is active in their disease.
