The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am grateful for this message board. I don't feel I have many trusted places to turn at the moment (whether real or perceived). I'm glad that I feel grateful for anything right now.
My AH was distant and seemingly angry yesterday. I respected that he didn't want to talk about it, but struggled with his still treating me badly in his attitude, being annoyed with me, not speaking to me, etc. This lasted for hours. Whether I pull back, give him time/space or ask him what is wrong, nothing I do is right. Eventually we fought on our drive to our meetings - he was actually screaming at me directly in the car, I even pulled over. No doubt I contributed to this, and participated in it. At the same time, I don't think it's a crime to ask someone a question, and feel hurt when they repeatedly respond unkindly.
Today I opened up to him about some of my feelings about myself. I feel insecure constantly (mostly since he and I have been together), and down on myself - all of this makes me feel disappointed in myself. He told me that I only operate out of fear. I agreed, I do feel fearful often - but I feel so many other things and am responding/reacting to so much more. He told me that I am constantly reacting to being reminded of my past. He said that I was the one who was angry and withdrawn yesterday, and started the argument. He never looked at his actions, or the fact that he treated me horribly yesterday when I tried to talk with him.
It is true also, that my history buttons are pushed. It is true that I spent a lot of time, and therapy work, getting through these issues, only to be in my present circumstances.
However, I feel manipulated. I don't feel comfortable opening up to him, because he has used this to discredit and blame me in the past. I spent a great deal of time in this alcoholic-codependent relationship NOT being as sick as I feel now. I feel I made a mistake that I cannot take back - marrying him. And, most importantly, I now have a child who needs me to be healthy. How can I ever do that and be with him?
In this moment, I don't wish for anything in my life, other than my child. What is the point when I have found the very kind of relationship that I don't want? I can't even focus on work, and I'm afraid I'll just keep sinking deeper into despair.
HELP.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
please know that it will get better. We have all been where you are at some point. I have been in a long time marriage to my AH and often thought I made a mistake. Then I look at our kids and the joy they bring me and I realize it was NOT a mistake. Also, I am learning, I don't have to base my happiness on my relationship with my AH. I can choose to be happy and I can do what makes me happy, in spite or regardless of my AH's response. I have a choice to let him upset me or not, and so do you. I too felt codependent and insecure and inadequate. And I know it has a lot to do with living in this relationship, but as long as we are breathing, we have a chance to do better. I always tell myself, I did the best I knew how at the time, and when we know better, we do better. I found through counseling that I was focusing way too much on my AH's behavior instead of dealing with my own issues. Now I am figuring out what makes me tick, makes me happy and am working to pursue it. And now I am not concerned if it is something my AH wants me to do or wants to do with me. I too had things in my past I wasn't proud of and had to learn to forgive myself and move forward. Although I am new to this forum, I know you have many who are here to support you and help you. And I would encourage you to not put too much validity on what you are getting from AH. Mine varies from day to day on how he would feel about me, and it really depends on where he is coming from more than what my behavior has actually been. Hope this helps.
I can relate to all those feelings KLotus. Not that I have any answers. My qualifier is not an A, but for other reasons he seems to have all the traits. I always feel insecure about the relationship, and he refuses to ever reassure me about it. If I ask him about the relationship he says "What relationship, we have not relationship." And then he thinks I'm crazy for wondering if he loves me, or not. He says "You have been doing this for 30 years, can't you ever learn?" What am I supposed to learn? That he loves me, or that he doesn't love me?
So I am very determined to focus on my HP and my own life. I feel so sad, because I love my qualifier and I really did want to be together with him. I have to let go of this relationship and maybe it will work out or maybe not. I can't escape grief it it doesn't, but I am determined to accept my HP's will, whatever that may be.
I could have practically written your post. The funny thing is; his anger is generated out of his own fear, too. I am fearful of being yelled at, being his verbal punching bag, and afraid of his outbursts. Yet, all of those things come from his own fears: fear of inadequacy, fear of intimacy, fear of success, and fear of failure. You name it, it's there. For me, I'm trying to take everything day by day and NOT respond the way I would have in the past and sometimes that means leaving the room so I can contain myself and control my tears, etc.
I have found that dh is getting angry more often because he knows I'm working on my response and that I will call him on it or that I will walk away. I used to sit there and just take it or try to help him through it or listen to his babbling and complaining. I told him that I'm worn out by it all and that when he comes up with a new thing to gripe about, maybe then I'll take the time to listen. Not sure that I'm getting anywhere but he did go to counseling with a psychologist today and came back all pissy. He was complaining about how much it was going to cost and that he doesn't want to go to the testing tomorrow, etc. I realized he was in a foul mood and left him alone after he snapped at me. He's hiding in his office now and that's probably for the best.
I think others here have the right idea and I needed to hear it, too. Focusing on myself and my HP, not to be selfish, but to make myself a better person. In return, I can then help create a healthy environment for myself and our son.
It takes time. Focus on you, you can't control him or his behavior. You can control you!! :)
Sending love and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
One of the nice/best things about this board is that we can open up and talk to eachother without fear that we are going to be attacked and/or judged. That is why I don't talk to my AH about stuff that I can better talk about to another Al-Anon. My relationship with my AH is what I would consider shallow, yet I can't believe that I could ever trust him with feelings that I share with strangers. And it is for the very reasons that you give. He needs a lot more recovery before I can trust him. I need a lot more recovery before I can trust him. I don't have to think up a response to his insanity. I only need to have the strength to walk away. I also have learned to let him have his moods. I cringe. I get sad. But they are his to own. Sometimes he drives people away with his moods. That's his problem. I don't even want to talk to him about it. He would just deny and get angry and blame me.
The support I find here is incredible, thank you all.
I agree, overall I would not take back the choices I have made, as they have led me to things like my daughter. I know that I am, in truth, in God's hands. Trying to find meaning in the moment is difficult, and it is when I do not remember that God is with me that I struggle most. I want to remember, and be grateful for the work I have already done, which has given me so much more consciousness, allowed me to tap into what is really within.
Maryjane - I was just today thinking about the trust and talking with strangers part that you mentioned. I think my AH, in the past, wondered why I did that - I but I quickly realized that I trusted strangers far more than him, for good reason. This, and his moods, etc., does make me sad, tired, angry. I agree, however, that there simply must be more recovery happening (for both of us) before this can change. It struck me today when my AH send me a message: "you are the best." Yesterday he was distant and inconsiderate, the day before screaming at me, angry, hurtful, withdrawn. Again, you're right, that's HIS problem. I often wonder: what does he want? I know his marriage values, his family values, and in many ways what his life's goals are - and so often he behaves contrary to this. Then again, I can remember a time where I did too. Then AGAIN, I didn't have even a fraction of the support he has now... oy! :) SO confusing.
I am always grateful when he does/says something nice - but I know it likely won't last. The rollercoaster is painful. It is very similar to the dynamics I grew up with: parents who were bipolar/alcoholic, lacked boundaries, were emotionally abusive, inconsistent, and emotionally abandoned me. I have reflected on this a lot lately. At times my present circumstances feel worse, because I see and know differently now, and have found this situation. It's like salt in a wound. Opportunity? Sure, everything is. Abusive and unnecessary? Often.
Thanks a great deal to all of you, I am able to remind myself that what I hurt from the most is a sense of loss, a sense that I have lost ME. Whether married or divorced, in the long run, I need to live in circumstances that support me - or I cannot be much for my daughter! I need to heal, no matter the cost.
Blessings and gratitude.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
