The material presented
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Just received a call from ABF. Mind you, I AM at work.... the only one of the two of us that is currently employed.... He got in touch with his lawyer.... the Solicitor wants to throw the book at him really hard... so here comes the blame game again...
24 week Drug/Alcohol program... 18 week family violence program.... numerous fines and not to mention what his criminal record will look like afterwards....
"Kat.... I wouldn't still be sitting here in jail and facing this IF YOU DIDN'T CALL THE POLICE".... UGH... seriously?? Nope....I thought to myself... YOU wouldn't be sitting there if YOU didn't feel the need to be trashed for 2 weeks straight.. if YOU would have worried about your family first... if YOU would have been at work that day instead of sitting at home drinking and conspiring how YOU were going to push my buttons because that's what YOU like to do when YOU drink.... Wishing that point I was a fire breathing dragon so I could just singe his butt right there and then.. .LOL
I DO want him home... I DO want things to work out...The love IS there... I AM ready to fight this disease.... BUT... I didn't let him win, I didn't engage and I didn't apologize... I guess MY HP took over.. .I simply said "whether or not you continue to blame ME for the incident that night is completely your choice. I'm choosing not to discuss it anymore. I have to get back to work. I'll talk to you later."
((hugs)) to you all for continued support and strength!
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hey that's a great quote - I will have to use it the next time my AH blames me for his living in a trailer for 9 months (he's worked and spent his money on partying instead of rent but its my fault he lives that way?) "whether or not you continue to blame ME for you living in a trailer is completely your choice; I'm choosing not to discuss it anymore" Great way to put it - thanks!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm actually kinda liking responding like that. LOl I am such a sarcastic person by nature, quick to turn things around on people. I'm getting MUCH more satisfaction putting it back in his court, walking away and leaving it so there is no way he can respond. It's quite empowering.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
My son is my A and we first turned him into the police 4 yrs ago for possesion ( a felony ) the courts have given him numerous chances..probation. rehab etc 4 years for petes sake and the kid cannot keep it together long enough to get off probation. Well he is back in jail and now just being sentenced there is no more they can do for him so now he has no chance to get the felony off his record. This obviously will affect the rest of his life. At first he played the blame game etc, always talked us into letting him come back home .... he did attend recovery meetings and therapy but it was all for show and he definitly was NOT going to do any 12 step group etc. He is currently in jail likely for about 5+ months and he and I get into it on the phone in regards to recovery and calls end up just being a waste of time and my money. So my son wrote home and actually came up with a good idea about recovery talk ( so maybe he has learned a thing or two) and maybe this will work for you and your A. My son said talking about recovery on the phone is basically a waste of time as we try to talk over each other neither of us is being heard. Hmmm good thought. He asked for kind of a truce, asked that all recovery talk be done in our letters to each other so we each could have our say and be heard and decrease the arguments. Wow great idea Maybe you can suggest this to your bf..... let him know you want your talks to be calm and upbeat ( cause i am guessing you are paying for those calls to) and whatever resentments, complaints, recovery etc be written down and sent to the other person so the arguments will stop. Just a thought Blessings
Kat, you got it! Its that sentence you keep hearing here: Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean. You did just that from the sounds of it :) HUGS! HOpe you make it to a meeting soon!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Good stuff.... In their addiction, and before they have fully chosen to be sober, it has been my experience that it is very rare that an active A will thank or appreciate being held accountable for their actions. The 'blame game' is classic and common, and your approach & answer to him was perfect - you chose to hand it back to him, and chose to vent here (and NOT to him). Both decisions are awesome, on your part!!
Take care
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Fantastic answer to insanity. My hubby blamed me too for the judge giving him a harder sentence than he thought he deserved or his lawyer said he could expect. I don't know what I did, but he blamed me for it. Insanity.
