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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My fault too?
Post Info TOPIC: My fault too?
likemyheart


~*Service Worker*~

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My fault too?
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Hello all - I have a story to relate and hopefully some of you will see the humor I do.

For 9 months now AH and I have been separated and every time he gets mad at me (with increasing frequency) everything bad in his life is my fault. It's like he's got a tape recorder set on a loop replaying the same ole same ole everytime I don't do things the way he thinks I should do them.

Well, a week and a half ago he found a baby crow in the road, still alive and he's been taking care of it - was alive two days ago.

As I said, he gets mad at me almost every week now, and all it takes is a few words out of his mouth or one text and I can tell his words are fueled by beer by their tone and the very predictable rampaging on everything I've done to him to ruin his life (only known him 3.5 years). I'm to blame for everything.

So - today, he sends me a text telling me the crow died - and my first impulse was to text back and ask if he was gonna blame that on me too?

I didn't do it. It would be mean because I KNOW he is probably sad, he cares so much for critters - like a little boy bringing them home to mommy - he rescues a lot of them (i end up having to clean up after them), and I know he kinda thought it would be cool to have a pet crow.

But I thought about it - sometimes I wish I could be the hurtful cruel person he tells me I am (and tells others I am); I could pay him back for all the mean things he says to me. And, he'd say something like that to me, no doubt about that - but I try really hard in my life not to be mean - I had enough mean treatment as a kid so I strive not to go there.

Like I said though - I thought about it!



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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
ELEKTRAWMN


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I have the same problem with my ABF; however, I have a bad habit of engaging instead of walking away. I'm VERY quick with comebacks and I take what he says personally even though I KNOW the words are fueled by beer (his choice also). I'm not a naturally cruel person, but a naturally defensive one. My number one goal is to let it roll off my back. Walk away from the situation and realize that I am NOT the person he's accusing me of being. So much easier said than done.

Many hugs to you!

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~Kat

 Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
maryjane


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Hi,
I do see the humor in your story. I understand. And I too have had to make a conscious decision that I don't want to be like that. I could come back with some retort that would totally make my day, and ruin his.... and then I would have to live with myself. I don't want to be the kind of person that even I don't want to live with. I take the high road whenever I can.

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maryjane
youfoundme


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Sarcasm is one of my defaults. I turn it on when I am hurt to either make things funny (but they still hurt) or to take the edge off of the situation. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism (one of many). I use sarcasm because it was what I was taught as a child. I know this now, and I am learning to not be sarcastic as much. When I am I feel terrible. So I am learning to not use sarcasm and to keep quiet. When I don't react, and remain calm, I can carry the peace with me. Saying nothing is often the best thing to do, some times the best action is no action at all :) Keep coming! it works when we work it :)

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Pushka


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*snort* I'm sorry, I so understand your post. You need to give yourself so much credit. You thought and then made a choice not to. You worked your program and knew it wasn't who you are anymore. Hugs and keep up the good work!!

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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It is really hard. We want to lash out from all the bolony but the sad thing is they have a disease, its the disease that deserves a kick in the teeth.

But sadly it is our A it has infected.

I get upset when I think about my ex AH not being here with ME like he promised. He knew I had been alone so long, he was there when my first husband died. All the pain I went thru, he saw.

So to abandone me was almost criminal. I said,"We were suppose to grow old together!"

He says,"Well I thought thats what I was doing with J***." I wanted to say no, you are a parasite and she is your host.

His father abused him horrible, called him a parasite.

I am glad I don't ever have anything to do with AH. Unlike so many who still talk to theirs. I am free of it.

But here I sit by myself, too scared to meet anyone unless they make the effort.

Hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

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Otie


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Dear likemyheart, do you think it is likely that now, since you are no longer living in the eye of the storm, you no longer have to burden of so much anger to carry around?  I think it is very positive that you feel more free to be your "true self".  Doesn't being true to your self feel best of all?!

Good show.

Sincerely, Otie



-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 19th of July 2011 05:06:04 AM

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Tracy


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It is so sad this disease your A sounds like he does have a heart takig in injureed animals.  Its just a shame that this horrible diease prevents him from cring for himself hopefully one day he will see he needs help just like those injured animals.  Alcohlism attacks the peopole closest to the A it wants them al;l to itself.  Our job i to protect ourelves.  I hate it whn I get angrey with my ABF because I know the disease is winning getting just what it wants.  I get confused thi sick person is hurting me I want to potect myself yet have compassion.  I struggle with this so I am tying to have no contact at the mo If I can not interact with him kindly them no matter how much it hurts I need to remove myself I do not want to engge with this disease, so I am gettibg out of the way as much as I can so he can look t th disease instaed of me.

 

take what you liike



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Betterfuture


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Wow thanks for sharing everyone.

Today I did get into an argument w/ my AH but I didn't let it get too far. There was a misunderstanding about visiting w/ my daughter and He just got so angry started cursing at me so quickly I hung up. Good right? well it would have been but I responded to text messages. I just wanted him to know that I'm not the same person he can bully around and that I'm not aching to talk to him like I usually am when we are not together. So I simply said I could care less if he drinks or not just as long as he doesn't drink around my daughter when he has her and that its hard for me to believe him because most of the time what I hear from him is not what I see.

Its so crazy! He would try to argue w/ me and I would just respond that I care about him as a person and I wish him the best, I know that its his disease talking and not him and he just gets even more mad lol.

He then accused me of cheating on him (SOOOO NOT TRUE) I just ignored him after that. I feel bad that we can't even have a conversation without fighting. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I wanted to text him to F*ck off!!! but instead I just said Take care.. who knows what will happen next I told him I was planning to move but did not say where. He kept wanting to know but I figure we can discuss all this when we go to court.

I didn't want to talk to him anymore. EVER.. if possible but I know that the justice system will have to run its course.. KUDOS to keeping the peice and working the program.. whew today was a tough one!

xoxox

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tommyecat


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I am glad you didnt get sucked in although tempting.  You kept your side of the street clean not giving him an opening for an arguement.

Good Job!

Tommye



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Jozie


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I too have to watch when I am being "Accused" of things that I Know I have know control over, Nor even Took part in for the Most Part... even tho the Alcoholic or Addict Insisted I did... I recently went thru something of this nature with a person that found it easy to Kick me, yet couldn't look at their part in it... I can honestly say that "Detaching" was the only solution for me... I am Still working on the "Detaching with Love" because the words were Sharp, and Hurt me emencly, but thanks to my program and the best friends I could ask for, I am Slowly starting to be able to Detach with Love, knowing that the relationship has neared its end... However I didn't want to be the Mean Person that they accused me of, and i didn't want to just Detach and Run away, I have done that all my life, but i have found that in order for me to heal from the hurt, I need to step back and accept them for who they are and Not Who I "Thought" they were and I think that was my toughest Struggle with it... I have known them a long time, and Love them Very Much, but I can no long be "Used & Abused" by those I love... When Respect is missing from the Relationship...

Good for you.. For not Stooping to your AH Level of manipulation... that is their Issue and burderens to face not yours, Good for you for finding Humor in the whole deal for that has saved me More time then Not! I am just Grateful that this Program gives me a Chance to Be Me! Not Who I was Precieved, or Still Preceived to be thru the eyes of others... I grew up in an Alcoholic home, and I was told on a Regular basis, "What would people Think if they Heard that", and NOW I can Say, "What others Think of Me is Really NONE Of My Business, Thank You! " And I Do with a Smile, and Leave it at that... I get Alot of Blank Looks when say that, mainly because I was that "Gossiping Self Centered Person" before Program, and I'm not going to say I don't have Slips cause I do, but have also learned when I am in the Pressents of my HP... It Seems to keep me on My Own Street, and not the streets of others...

Grateful you are here, Keep Coming Back... And WAY TO WORK YOUR PROGRAM Good Job

Friends in Recovery

Jozie

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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi likemyheart,
My exAH does the same thing with the blame and rage all at me. I have learned to barely answer the phone and to never respond if I know he is drinking. It is so hard and yes at time I think I would like to bite back, but I know he is hurting too and more hurt never helped anyone. Keep up the good work and I heard a good slogan today that may apply here. Having a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I loved this one since, I am always resenting on my A and his Mom everytime I have a bad run in with them I get stirred up and ruin my own day. Sending love and support!


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