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For those of you in the know, I'm wondering if an A or Recovering A's self focus and blame ever ends? Or goes in cycles, or ?? What's helped w/dealing with it also would be most helpful! [ Never mind my OWN self pity and blame ;) ha! ]
My BF is in recovery - 7 yrs - but his sole topic of conversation is himself, or perceived wrongs that are being done to him. Or what a great guy he is by cleaning up his mess, and how he forgives me - a tale I blabbed about in a long post. Attempts to steer a conversation my way are overrun.
I realize that people are like snowflakes, no two are alike! And a sig. other not listening is a universal problem. Still, it's a grinding issue. I don't want to battle resentful feelings. No reason to break up, but over the long haul what's the point in being lonely and unheard in a relationship?
Short of sending up signal flares to the guy, I'm stumped!
I think there is a universal language of addicts the same way there is for us as well. There are just key things that are always true in statements. Unless the A is truly working a program and living in the way of a program the blame game will stick around. It's their own distorted thinking just as it would be mine if I blame my husband for choices I have made. It's their own victim role.
Hugs and keep going to the f2f meetings. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am wondering if he has been an A or recoverying A the whole time you've known him? If so maybe that's his personality, just a thought, Also a thought I know how easy it is for me to slip back into my old behaviors, then i catch myself or some one in alanon gives me a gentle reality check so I would guess it would be just as easy for an A to slip back into old behaviors. Is he still attending meetings? Have a sponsor? If so I might suggest to him that he take these issues up with his sponsor. You work your program, let him work his. I think for people who are unfamilar with the disease ( i grew up surrounded by it ) we think if they are in recovery they are going to be just these awesome people. Well they may not have been awesome from the get go ya know. They may have been selfish and manipulative long before they started using. I know growing up with this disease I learned how to lie and manipulate to get what i wanted. Working this program has shown me a better way, but catch me on a bad day and I am back in square 1 Wishing you the best Blessings
The self centeredness, self will, blaming etc., is about fear baseness. Fear is the consumate emotion for the Alcoholic in recovery. If and when he can and will get past it life for him and others around him will change. He will find a power GREATER THAN HIMSELF and be okay just being a vunerable, falible, human being and child of God...not the only son of God. He might be dry but sober?...You're not his sponsor and you're not his motivation or reason to seek a higher level of recovery. It's okay to turn your back on it and detach from it rather than be a reflection for him or a target either.
When the alcoholic starts drinking...maturity stops and when he stops drinking it will stay where it ended until he continues to grow. If he keeps talking about how he has forgiven you for what ever...he has not forgiven you. If he keep talking about himself his self esteem hasn't been repaired yet and he's still trying to convince others instead of himself that he's worthy. If he's still blaming outside of himself he is still blind about himself. There are lots of recoverying people in both programs that are caught on "talking" recovery rather than "walking" it. It is about the "walk" not the "talk".
It's okay not to enable it. When someone attempts to make me responsible for their dysfunction or blame me for something I am not responsible for...there is usually a consequence they did not want. Practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
